friendship

there's something beautiful about friendship...

it can last through problems and trials, it is the acid test and the basis... give me a scandal or two, an attachment or breakup, and parties willing, friendship will endure. :)

i think it's so sad how many guys today see a pretty girl and start chasing her immediately. sometimes wonder if i'm the only guy left in the world who believes in taking time to get to know a person... it's just instinctive for me to take a step back, to wander to the sidelines when things get too complicated, and wait patiently for the situation to right itself. i'd rather fade into the background than compete for someone's attention...

i used to wonder if it was something wrong with me. maybe i'm not courageous enough, maybe i'm not thick-skinned enough to play the game... but i've slowly been realising that it's ok :) a friend just told me that that's one thing that makes me stand out from the rest. well... i guess. anyway i'm glad to be who i am :)

another thing...

you know, i just got back from a 3-day trekking trip that was really emotional, full of ups and downs and new people and experiences. but the most touching thing i experienced this weekend was a simple chat message i just received from a wonderful friend, thanking me for being someone she can really trust. you know how much that means to me? it means more than what tangible wealth can buy, it means more than these little emotional mini roller-coasters i've been in, it means the world to me, maybe more... just like our friendship means so much to me too :) thank you for everything... :)

goodnight

100th :)

the unknown beach :)

few things are nicer than lying on the beach with a friend... and talking for hours...



thanks... :)

hmmm my 100th post is coming up soon. wonder what i'll write... another story? or an update on how my life has been? i realise i haven't been recording all these wonderful times i've been having these few weeks... hmmm time to start writing in my journal again maybe :)

what's my perfect major? :D

cute "what is your perfect major" quiz!

You scored as Mathematics. You should be a Math major! Like Pythagoras, you are analytical, rational, and when are always ready to tackle the problem head-on! Mathematics 92% Journalism 75% Linguistics 67% Dance 67% Art 67% Philosophy 67% Psychology 58% English 58% Engineering 42% Theater 25% Anthropology 17% Sociology 17% Chemistry 8% Biology 0% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

lol... chemistry and biology are my last 2....

agony and ecstacy

2005: 2hrs 33mins
2006: 2hrs 10mins

:)

hmmm i wonder what i should do next... look out for a (mini) triathlon? the full marathon in december? a shift to strength training?

on games and friends and contradictoriness

just writing some stuff on my mind while taking a break from studying :)hmmm i haven't written a poem or story for some time... well maybe another time :)

so I've uninstalled all the games from my laptop because I got sick of killing some random shapes on the screen instead of doing other important stuff - stuff like studying, chatting online with friends... *real life* stuff.

but it got me thinking... i think we guys play games because there is not enough in real life, because a world inside the computer can be more interesting and fun.

real life... what makes real life real to you?

for me, it's the friendships, people, relationships that are so dear. it's interesting... i'm an introvert that likes to live inside my own mind, but i often find myself crying out for a close friend or two. i'm an introvert that doesn't like being alone :) i'm a telephonophobic that loves talking to close friends, i'm afraid of crowds and noises but i want to spend time with people.

yes, it's difficult to balance...

talking about the telephone, yeah i have a slight phobia of it - ask me why another time heh... and it's difficult because i love talking to close friends, and my net connection has been so bad that chatting online can be difficult. i can want to talk to someone badly, but take very very long, or never, to get down to calling the person.

yup, i'm kinda contradictory :)

ever felt like there's so much more you want to write but didn't have the words for it? goodnight...

friendships and friend

sometimes friendships are like MSN convoes... you're forced to choose who to chat with because there's no way you can keep up meaningful conversations with ten people at the same time. and for the first time in a long time, you're feeling sad that you have to give up time for certain friends, to be with other friends.

you know what's nice? spending a whole day with a friend. even if it's spent running around school, nearly falling asleep listening to ipod music while waiting for your laptop to be upgraded, 'finding' the wrong room, tripping over my own foot and nearly crashing into the railing, what really makes a day magical is the friend you spend it with.

:)

stutterer starts school

i received a package from uchicago two days ago. one of the admin departments must have forgotten that i've turned their offer down, and sent me a big "welcome" package... i made me feel emotional - full of memories. this year has been a long, convulated, tear-stained route to where i am now...

i guess i should be afraid right now. tomorrow's the start of the the term of a school that emphasizes speaking, and working on projects with complete strangers... talking was never my forte. i know that my life would have been very, very different were i not a stutterer, but nevertheless here i am now, scarred by the embarrassments of the past, but still content with who i am.

but strangely i'm not that afraid; i'm looking forward to it, in fact... i don't really know why, yet :)

yesterday's convo was so full of LIFE. it was like a showcase of the talents of the senior students... if i took away anything from it, it would be that i want my life in uni to be full - i want to DO things, to experience things i've never done before, and to do stuff i've always wanted to do. i want to make great, lasting friendships that go beyond work and CCAs...

look at this life: studious prefect in primary school (i can't even remember what CCA i was in then), just plain weird in lower secondary (some of you may know the story), studious top-of-the-class chess club member in upper secondary... at least things got a lot better in JC - it was then that i found my closest friends and made the most of what talents if have :)

how will uni life be like? i don't know, and i'm leaving it to God. i'm really happy in fact. somehow i've been kind of simply drifting along when it comes to university stuff... things always work out for our good...

where will i be four years from now...? we'll see.

a people ruled by love

i want to be a loving person :)

so i was really, really sleepy during bible study tonight 'cos i only slept for 1 hour the night before. the sermon was really good and really deep, but it was some stuff pastor mentioned towards the end that got me moved:

that christians should be a people ruled by love.

if you take a step back and look into the heart of the matter you'll realise that all the petty quarrels and striving to be the best and trying to elevate oneself above another are so meaningless, and that there is so much more joy to be found in living in love. not that i've achieved it, but it's a truth i sometimes forget.

Dear God, mould me into a loving person :)

wishing you bluebirds...

my heart has been saying goodbye alot...

one of the biggest dreams i've had has passed on, and i find my heart shielding itself from the memory of the dream whenever it crosses my mind. it's as if my heart can't take the pain of losing it.

and that's just dreams - friendships are even more precious, and it's these weeks, months, years, when friends fly off or change school or move on, and new cliques are formed.

sure, change is inevitable. i'm experiencing that, too: a whole new dream, new experiences, wonderful new groups of friends. but something has been striking me a lot these weeks: that the old matters so much more.

what is the point of making a new friend if i have to do it at the expense of an old one?

and when was the last time you felt lonely while spending time with friends you thought were close?

come walk with me...

really, the world's moving fast enough already, we don't have to contribute more to its speed :)

yknow it's such a blessing to realise that it's perfectly ok to go through life at your own pace. it's too easy to look at the pace of the rest of the world and wonder why you're lagging behind, but really, there's no point trying to follow others when it's not 'you'...

went out with a dear friend today for the first time in months... it's so nice to meet an old friend and finding that you two can still click very well after all that time :) oh and the movie "Click" joined the list of movies that have made me cry... very touching movie.

someday i'll fly away...

ever sat down and told yourself that there is something deeply wrong with the world?

ever felt your mind brimming with too much, too compicated, too deep thoughts that you feel the only way to share what you feel is by literally connecting your mind with someone else?

and deeper than all this lies the paradox: there is so much depth inside that cannot be expressed, that causes so much turbulence and turmoil, and often worry and pain; but i would not give up a mind like this for the world.

while you have your exciting, crazy, adventurous life, i have the depths of my mind to plunge in and explore and mull.

recently i've had a strong, strong, feeling of inadequacy. but who cares? i know.

when you're so glad you stayed to chat...

so i took 4 hours to pack for tomorrow's camp because i was chatting with people online. no regrets at all.

"sam, no sorrys btw friends." thanks... this meant so much. when you know you have a friend that accepts you, and is willing to listen even when all you're doing is faxie-ing. and after a pretty emotional evening on msn, chatting with lots of people about alot of complicated / exciting / emotional stuff, this one line just reminded me that in the end, real friendship is so steadfast and strong and accepting. real friendship is one of the things in the world that doesn't die easily...

the other things is something a friend helped me remember - something i've always known but have forgotten: "i'd rather take my time to get to know someone than rush into something just because everyone's rushing." it's so true. why rush just because everyone's rushing too? the Christian life is all about relaxing in His peace. :)

you know what? i'm missing so many people. it's a bittersweet feeling... and strange too, that i can be in the same country as a friend but feel like i'm on the other side of the world... things are changing, my heart.

*off to camp for the next 3 days... goodnight*

dreamy islands...

fun times...










so tell me:

what happens in the real life between magical moments? the times you don't see in movies - when the hero is brushing his teeth, or sitting in front of his laptop checking his e-mail. in a life that has almost forgotten the magic of beautiful memories, wonderful moments can seem so much more real. they are like treasure islands scattered throughout a huge ocean, and it is all you can do to keep yourself from doing nothing but swimming, swimming, and looking, doing nothing but seeking the next shore.

it's scary.

don't know much

ever experienced this? you're listening to an album and then a song starts playing... and the moment you hear the intro you start crying because you remember the song - it's a song you used to love so much, long ago, maybe too long ago, because you've forgotten how beautiful it is until now.

maybe it's true - some dear things can be forgotten, given time. but somewhere, deep down, the feelings remain, waiting. it only takes a spark to kindle the largest fire.

and more changes...

hey... sorry i changed my blog address so suddenly... i had certain good reasons for doing it, and also could you guys not link my blog? given the nature of some of my entries, i think i should make it a bit more private :)

so life has been really interesting these days... back-to-back overseas trip and 2 camps, and spent the last 3 days going out with acct camp groupmates. it's nice how in just 2 weeks i've already found a bunch of great friends. :)

so I've decided to join this dance club in school wtih some friends haha... salsa here we come! also just had an audition for a musical in september.

suddenly life feels... full. know what i mean? not just more things to do, but more things to think about, more emotions to feel, more problems to weather, more things to learn about myself and others, more loved ones to care about. hm. only the first day since monday that i'm not meeting those coursemates, and i'm already missing them.

not that i'll forget all my old friends (ie you!). you probably know that i have a bad memory, but it's really not bad - it's very selective. there are some people i know i may never forgot, and you're probably one of them.
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a quiz from someone's blog :)

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		8
Words of Affirmation:		5
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz
------------------------------------

Despair

Despair is the heart of the man who painted his room the colour of the night, who nailed the door shut and barred the windows. It is the fist that grips the same man's heart as he sits on the dark marble tiles, trembling, as he stares into the darkness, neither crying nor remembering.

Despair is the cruel star that winked on the young man who was just passing by, who left his heart on this beach years ago. It is in the hot tears that creep down his cheek as he sits and remembers and knows that those friends and memories are fading; the starlight splits into a mocking kaleidoscope in his red eyes.

Despair is hands of the counsellor who goes home, every night, to a lonely flat. The same hands that cradles her tired head as she stares at the telephone, hands that now slowly dial a random number, because she just needs to hear a voice, any voice; her mind wanders to thick length of rope she bought years ago.

Despair is the lips of the man who lies whenever a friend asks how he is, saying that he is fine, diverting the topic from anything to do with the burdens that weigh down his every step, every word. It is the same lips that tastes the salt of his tears as he cries in the dark at night, the lips that does not know how to express itself.

Despair is the unspoken and unheard, it is the dark beyond the stars that ends all light, it is the gleaming end of the sharpest edge of a merciful knife. Despair is before hope, and after hope, it is constancy and uniformity, the unbroken run of a predator hunting its prey to its inevitable end.

Despair is the deepest depth, the most blinding blackness, the friend you once had, the hope you once cradled, the life you thought you remembered, the years that you wasted, the tears that went unseen, the hugs you will never give again, the kisses you will never have again, the flowers that wilted, the sea of a drowning man and the forgiving noose. Despair is itself, and it is strong.

is it just me?

deleted - i really need to remember never to post stuff when i'm down and sleepy...

top of the world

I wonder why so few people are joining victoria chorale after VJ Choir. Ask yourself something: do you really want to look back one day and wish that you were in stage singing instead of watching in the audience? I know there are some of you who are truly passionate about choral music but not in chorale because your friends aren't there. Ever realised that everyone else is probably thinking that way? It only takes a spark to start a huge fire.

Anyway, I'm back from the 4th World Choir Games :) VC's results:

Category 1: Musica Sacra A Capella - Category Winners (ie. top of the world)
Category 2: Contemporary Music - Gold Medal

As usual I'm a bit sad that there is so little knowledge about this, and so little coverage by the Singapore press. Do you know how big a deal it is to top the whole world for Sacred Music A Capella? It is equivalent to a Singaporean runner competing against running powerhouses like the USA and Africa, and beating them flat. And do you know how it feels to see your Singapore flag fly high, and to see people from all over the world in a grand hall stand up to pay respect to your flag while you stand on stage and sing your national anthemn? Or to see foreigners come up to you and say "Wow, you're the choir from Singapore! You are really very very good! Can I have your autograph?"




Singapore is trying so hard to put its mark in the sporting arena, but how many Olympic Gold Medals have we achieved? Singapore, look to your choirs - we are already very famous and highly regarded amongst other nations, and are winning very high-level competitions on a regular basis. How come we are unknown in our own country?

partings

oof. it's always like this... i feel super lonely at the start of a new camp or school or year 'cos i don't mix with new pple well, and by the end of it i've gotten so attached to the friendships i've made that i can't bear to leave. heh

felt so horrible leaving the comm service group early (missing the last day 'cos of WCG 06). camps are one of those magical times amidst long periods of normal life... sure, you'll have precious memories of the fun times and great friendships and all, but after the camp, there's no going back to experience those times again... i have this huge fear of memories fading...

(anyway i'll be overseas from 22-27 july! gonna get the gold :))

hide me!! (long post - part 2!)

so my group went to PS for lunch and i somehow ended up at the far side of the quieter side of the table. well, didn't talk much so spent alot of time observing people (:))

the new way i've been seeing people is quite interesting haha... when i observe my mind gets an impression of where a person does his thinking. some people seem to do their thinking in front of their eyes. you can see him taking in his surroundings and forming his conclusions and replies the moment it hits them, and he either puts them aside or immediately makes a comment or something. then the other kind that does their thinking inside, behind their eyes. you can see her internalizing and thinking alot more, before she make a comment. it's like there's a range of points starting at a person's eyes and going inside and away from his head, and there's a certain point where a person does his thinking. no it's not supposed to be scientific or mystical or even physcial, it's just the way i visualize the way a person thinks from what i observe heh

so today, i was observing my groupmates... the type of mind i find really interesting is the kind that does its thinking deep in, because there's the hint of so much more to discover about the person. and there is a lot of beauty when you see a part of the mind peek out from inside, with a smile or a few words; as if a hidden treasure reveals itself, or a hidden burden is released.

yeah... heh... anyway, forget about this, and live in the illusion that i'm not *really* this odd. :)

hide me!! (long post - part 1!)

Urgh. First day in a uni comm service project thing, and am having "nice" reminders of how lousy i am at mixing with new people.

i mean, it was fun and most of the people were nice... but I really am not that good at popping my head into an ongoing conversation and joining it, or at striking a conversation with someone i hardly know. and when i DO do that, i always leave feeling horrible cos i think i made a bungling fool of myself. i know, i know, people don't think about other people as much as we usually think, but still...

funny eh? i like to think i understand people well, but i'm frightened (yes, frightened!) of meeting new people >_<

i might be imagining things but i sense alot of sensitivity abt BGR - it's as if the guys know that the girls know that most of the guys are just-out-of-army and super despo, so all conversation between opposite genders are a bit awkward. yeah yeah i think way too much...

the dark

the dark is a beast
hear the deep growl a baritone low
and his eyes a feral green

fight the dark
alone and scars of the past hurt so
face the urge to flee

away from it all
into your mind where safety flow
but stall the tears and see

it is in dark
and away from light's unchanging glow
that you remember how to weep

packing and being early

packing my room tonight... i'm armed with a handheld vacuum cleaner and boxes to keep stuff for storage or for throwing away heh. it's always hard for me to throw stuff away 'cos i wanna keep everything for memory... i get frightened at the thought of losing a beautiful memory - because it happens to me.

i know why people get married. it's because at some point we all realise we want to settle down, to be with someone we can trust completely, who trusts us completely. it's because we want a steadiness and certainty, because we realise we need something more than a friend we see occasionally.

i think i must be an early developer or something... i see so many of my friends flitting around life and friendships like butterflies. but for me... i don't remember a time i didn't long for stability. maybe all introverts are like this - finding more fulfillment in even just one wonderful soulmate than in 20 friends.

but what happens to a stability-seeker if he starts losing touch with his old wonderful friends?

*checks msn list again*

these are the last 2 lines of something i partially wrote in my head while in the loo... maybe i'll finish it someday:

wail for the night is against you
and time happens to us all

goodnight, world

It's raining my Sunday morning.

Good morning, little swallow, isn't roost-time over?
You're late for the flock.
Why the ruffled feathers and distant look?
Look at the day:

Oh, it's raining our Sunday morning.

Then, little swallow, won't you sing me a song?
As we shelter from the day.
A whistle of dismay and a chirrup of forgetting?
Remember we once loved the rain.

Look, it's raining my Sunday morning.

messy stuff

urgh. was reminded today of one reason i like being alone - i really don't really know how to handle other people. >.< what a mess...

so afraid to show i care...

that's a line from a Barbara Streisand song btw... "Tell Him". it's such an awesome song... probably the best non-Christian song i've ever heard. it's about an older woman telling a young woman in love to tell her man that she loves him.

reminds me of a book i'm reading now. the book is quite scary... it tries to tell women that if a guy doesn't call you, doesn't ask you out and doesn't sleep with you, you can be sure he doesn't like you and you should forget about him. like... huh?? i mean that would be true if all guys in the world are really confident and really extroverted... but there ARE guys in the world who don't immediately try to jump into a girl's life the moment they get a little interested in her... well. maybe it's just me... *shrug*

anyway, time to sleep, goodnight. :)

p.s. i know i know... i feel odd too... 2 days after i write a horribly sad entry i suddenly sound normal again. >_< dunno what's going on.

work, work

okie decided to post a bunch of pictures from Tecman tonight. after the meeting with the big shot yesterday, i originally wanted to blog about how much God has blessed the company because we always place Him first. i mean, i'm seeing how He makes things happen to move the company in a certain direction, without us even trying. and how we don't have to beg big companies to give us good deals... but instead they fly halfway across the world and offer us good deals. but anyway, here are the pictures...


my dad's birthday celebration! the staff bought him food and some little cakes

the store

thanks tua for the cake... it was amazing =)

working on wedding advertisements

i want this card for my wedding :)

another nice card

you know, i just re-watched the History of Tecman video i made for the opening ceremony. and one of the scenes i put in struck me. it was photograph of a verse. at the time i put it in as an pre-ending because the theme song came from that verse... but i had no idea God would use it to speak to me weeks later, right now.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his companssions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore i will wait for him."

I'm still feeling very sad, and yes, a single verse like this doesn not solve any problems on its own. But this simple thing shows me that through it all, i can rest, because someone up there knows what i'm going through. how things will work out, i don't know. but i know that i can simply rest... goodnight...

...

you know, right now, i'm actually happy that no one's reading my blog anymore. it means i have the freedom to write whatever's on my mind. by the time anyone reads this it'll probably be buried somewhere in my blog history. who am i writing to then? God, my laptop, my table, thin air... i dunno.

i've been so so sad these days. and i never told anyone... guess i've never liked to impose my problems on other people. why sad? it's funny because my daytimes are always cheery... today i had a very succesful business meeting with a big shot from a U.S. company... and i went to buy a little present for someone. that present was the high point of my day... there's something about giving gifts that i love. i love knowing that i've made someone happy, that i put a smile on someone's face, that i made someone's day, that i reminded someone that someone's thinking abt her or him.

but i always, always look forward to coming home and logging on to msn... because i'm so damn lonely.

haha i actually said that. but i guess it doesn't matter 'cos i'm the only one reading this blog nowadays. and no i'm not just saying that for sympathy. i really am the only one reading my blog nowadays. LOL i'm trying to convince a reader on a blog entry that i'm sure isn't going to be read.. anyway.

i've been so sad these days... and no one in the world knew, except for one person... i dunno if you're ever going to read this, but if you chance upon this entry one day... thank you, really thank you for your concern. and i'm sorry i never told you why i was sad. anyhow, here's the reason - i'm just so damn lonely.

i've had such dear friends in the past few years... but they're all... fading. one gets attached and the friendship fades from then on (i don't blame her). another one... God, i helped her through months and months of sadness!!!! and then when she's standing on her feet again, she moves on... and i'm left feeling used, and so tired, and painful - it's like an arm suddenly decided to rip itself off from my body (yes, J, this friend is the main reason why i'm sad... i'm sorry i didn't tell u when u asked...). and another dear dear friend, decided she wanted to move on, to explore... and others have gone overseas...

it feels like last new year's eve. you know how i spent it? i spent it huddled on the sofa in my room, listening to the little fountain outside my door, crying. because i knew that everyone else had their own friends to be with and here i was, at home, with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

i know why people cut themselves. it's to distract them from the pain in their hearts. because emotional pain cuts deeper than any flesh wound.

friends moving on... it's so painful. i know this is the age when people rediscover their need for excitement... partly cos they're back in school surrounded by other pple. and they move from exciting experience to exciting experience... but what happens to the people who just love simple constancy? who just want to spend a whole afternoon sitting on a bench by the beach, or the corner of a rooftop, or in a park, or on a balcona, just spending time with someone. who would much much rather have one friend who he trusts completely, who knows him like a sibling, than 100 so-called exciting friendships. it's painful... it's why i feel like i've been left trailing in the dust. my dearest friends have moved on to other experiences. and i'm left hanging on to the fading memories of the friendship...

right now... this is what life is like. i don't even cry anymore. at nights... i potter around the room... occassionally check my msn list... try to pack my room... get pissed at myself for numbly playing a game because i have nothing better to do... microwave a snack from the fridge... that's all. life's like that. it's been like this for some time. i don't know what's keeping me going.

forced laughter

so my parents are flying off to the USA for business stuff tomorrow morning...

so again it's just me, my furniture, the laptop, the memories corners i don't touch anymore, the stacks and stacks of books i don't read anymore, the half-packed boxes i stopped packing, the wardrobe of half-filled with clothing i don't wear, and the shadow beside me that has to leave when the lights go out.

ever thought about where you are now in life, and gotten angry at what got you to that place?

sigh wanted to rant more, but kept getting indecisive about how much i can type out here. and anyway my blog is becoming to sad a place already.... *forced laughter*

goodnight...

huddled and crying

Hey, friend, tear your eyes from the dazzling fireworks for a second. Ever noticed that old man sitting alone, huddled up by the tree? I see him there every New Year... Hey, are you listening to me? Ah, nevermind, nice fireworks.

how did YOU spend new year's eve?

into his eyes.

Glance, for once, beyond the shell, and onto the surface of his soul: do you see it? Weep, love, weep. For he is a man of sorrows and fears.

What did you see when you looked into his eyes?

He was the man in the rain, and the child as he cried; he was the woman who wept because she forgot. He was the youth in the room and the mother bruised; he was the father who kept it all inside.

What do you see?

Do you see the fist enclosing his heart, crushing him, tugging? Or the weights pulling him to the ground? Name them, name his adversaries, if you can. The man just calls them beautiful.

It's your turn now.

Ask him what he sees as the heart in his eyes looks into yours. Ask if you dare, my friend.

random thought!

This thought just popped into my head while i was showering. It's intriguing eh? Had me thinking for a bit.

Which is better? To be loved by someone you know, or to be known by someone you love?

perfectly fine...

you know what true hurt is? it's not when you cry because you feel the pain, it's not when you're sobbing and your friends can't console you, it's not when you do crazy things to get the painful something out of your system.

true hurt is when you seem perfectly fine to the people around you.

i'm actually laughing to myself now... it's so simple and so true... to me.

true hurt is when every single person you know thinks you're perfectly fine.

Blue Eyes

see the old man with the deep blue eyes
wand'ring alone as the days go by
a heart of a fool and his painful sigh
a love that was true 'til the day you died

in your wake

slow down, slow down, won't you pause for a friend?
i so miss plain walking, and the stillness, the stars,
the plain quiet moments, and the sitting in the sand.
i guess.... i'll just wait, but i wonder how far.

Little Bluebird

I asked little bluebird
To teach me to fly
Away from it all
And into the sky

pictures and quotes!

New store opening ceremony! Hehe I'm so proud of Tecman :) I don't care if people still think we're low-class, a neighbourhood store, whatever... I know what we are, and how loyal our customers are, and we know how faithful God has been to the company, and that's enough :)

Cute quotes from my parents today:

"SMU girls all very pretty one hor. Especially now you got car, all sure want to be nice to you one. Must open eyes big big and get smart one." - My dad! :D

"Slash the prices! Now we don't care about profit. Make loss also nevermind. Most important is to bring in the cases." - My mom on reviving our wedding department :)

Mist

Oh, gaze into his bloodshot eyes:
Love, and the fear, and years gone by,
     Journeys so far and a tower tall,
     See kings and queens; and rise and fall
But bars of iron, and a cold, cold sigh.

3 things on my heart...

1. Realization that my self-esteem is either way too high or way too low... I always think I'm one of the worst singers in my section, but I keep trying to convince myself that I'm just being paranoid and am actually not bad, and then I have a horrible pract and I think I'm super super terrible all over again... lol... =/

2. Joy :) The way God teaches and guides me is so beautiful... I can look back and see 'seasons' in my life, periods that last several months where He was subtly teaching me something. The period when He walked me through the book of Romans was beautiful: things would just happen throughout the period that would remind me of teachings in that book: sermons, stuff in my daily life, picking up the bible to read at night... It was beautiful. And there was a period when He showed me over and over again how I can trust Him no matter how difficult situations are - it was so gentle and subtle and yet so obvious that trusting Him now comes so easily for me. Ok I'm a little sidetracked haha...

But yeah, joy. God's been showing me these days that I can find so much joy even though things around me are hectic, and uncertain. Joy is so deep! It is beyond happiness and hyperness... To me it is like a water that fills my heart. Sure, cares and burdens may be in me, but when I look at the emotions I can smile inwardly because they are all surrounded by the waters. Perhaps it comes from knowing that God is handling everything for me because He loves me, perhaps there doesn't have to be a reason for joy other than it being a lovely gift from God. It's wonderful. The leave-it-to-God life doesn't mean you forget what you care about, it means that you care about things, but with a beautiful, unchanging joy and peace.

3. A beautiful verse: "Then she said, 'Sit still, my daughter, until you know how the matter will turn out; for the man will not rest until he has concluded the matter this day.'" from Ruth 3:18, NIV :)

Joy and restfulness :)

a meme!

How old do you wish you were?
Exactly 21... I'm really curious about how I'll be spending my birthday. :)

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In the living room... my parents were frantically and incoherently trying to tell me what was going on on TV.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Turn the coin return a few times... It never works tho :)

Do you consider yourself kind?
Yeah, maybe a bit too much for my own good.

If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Somewhere no one's ever gonna see, like in between my toes.

If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Greek. It's just so cool.

Do you know your neighbors?
Yup, one of them is pretty close to my family.

What do you consider a vacation?
Spending time with a close friend.

Do you follow your horoscope.
Well I sometimes read the horoscope pages to laugh at how wrong it is for me :) But there is a link between astrology and Christianity, something I've been wanting to research more deeply but never got down to doing. :)

Would you move for the person you loved?
I was all ready to do so until

Are you touchy feely?
Yup. Hugs are nice things.

Do you believe that opposites attract?
Sometimes, yes.

Dream job?
One that lets me multitask with the option of going in-depth if I want to. And one that allows me to spend time with my family.

Favorite channel(s)?
Er... The closest thing to TV I watch are VCDs on my laptop.

Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere where I'm spending time with a close friend. The beach comes to mind... Beautiful memories there.

Showers or Baths?
Showers. If my legs get tired I can always sit down on the shower floor... hehehe

Do you paint your nails?
I know being a guy doesn't necessarily mean I DON'T paint my nails, but... yeah I'm a guy.

Do you trust people easily?
No

What are your phobias?
Crowds and loud noises... it's getting better tho.

Do you want kids?
Yup, after spending a few years with my wife... *just the two of us*

Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yeah... since... Pri 6 I think.

Where would you rather be right now?
With a dear friend.

Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
See above.

Heavy or light sleeper?
Usually heavy, recently having problems with a new pillow tho. lol

Are you paranoid?
*suspicious look* why are you asking that?

Are you impatient?
Yup.

Who can you relate to?
You.

How do you feel about interracial couples?
? It's normal really :)

Have you been burned by love?
Depends on what you mean by burned :)

What's your favorite pick-up line?
I wish I had a pickup line. LOL

What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
One of those that came with the mobile.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Hmmm... I think I was online, lamenting how few friends were on... Am I the only one who stays at home at night??

What did the last text on your cellphone say?
LOL it was an update on the coming weekend's practises from my SL.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine :)

What color shirt are you wearing?
White :)

Most recent movie you watched?
Moulin Rouge, only halfway through tho :)

Name three things you have on you at all times?
Er... Er... I dunno...

What color are your bed sheets?
A deep blue that's fading a little :)

How much cash do you have on you right now?
$75.10

What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The lard that gives the chicken rice its flavour :)

What's your favorite town/city?
Prague. It was magical.

I can't wait till:
Nothing... Life comes in big patchy chunks nowadays, and really I'm looking forward to every single patchy chunk because there is so much joy and peace to be found in each chunk, even if bad things happen. Somehow I'm feeling a deep, deep joy in the midst of all the crazy stuff that has been happening these days. It's wonderful :) Something I've grown to learn - leaving it all to God doesn't mean you cease to care about anything. :)

Who got you to join LJ?
Dawny!

What did you have for dinner last night?
Last night? Indian rojak at the Bras Basah food court :)

How tall are you barefoot?
1.73 i think

Do you own a gun?
I USED to have a toy gun...

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
eh... anything, really...

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
i don't have one... any suggestions? lol

Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Smiling... smiling cos I'll still be full of joy.

Last thing you ate?
A chunk of fried chicken :)

What songs do you sing in the shower?
Christian songs, and certain lines of some love songs :)

Last thing that made you laugh?
I think I laughed with my mom's small group when i went to visit them at my neighbour's house :)

Worst injury you've ever had?
Fracture-dislocation of my wrist from blading. (see the scar?)

Does someone have a crush on you?
I would certainly like to think so, but disillusionism and cynicism has gotten hold of me so my answer is HAR? ME? Pls lah. NO.

What's your favorite candy?
Kinder Bueno! Haven't had it in ages.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Beauty for Ashes.

a... a... a... nevermind.

Ever had a thought like this? That your life would be very, very different if not for something?


hehe this pic is just here for fun... that's me with Uncle John (a close family friend) and my dad

For me it's stuttering. I actually thought of explaining here what causes stuttering, but nah, too technical =) Stutterers go through a lot of turmoil in something as simple as speaking... I don't think many normal people know this cos fluent speech comes so naturally to you guys.

It's a difficult, difficult condition to have... I don't know how to describe the anxiety and fears I've gone through as a stutterer. Looking at a person, knowing well that you are going to 'block' on the next word but just trying to say it because you have no choice, and seeing the person look quizzical, or lose interest, or turn away, or ask if you're ok, because your head is shaking in an effort to get the stupid word out... (btw - don't try to give a stutter stuttering advice unless you really know about the condition. i've really heard too much nonsense advice from laymen.)

But back to the point - I think my life would be very different without the stutter. I would've been alot more... up-in-front, go-getting, dynamic. instinctively I always want to break barriers of formality between me and superiors, or business relations. I think... I would've become one of those super-confident super-networking people. So often I've wanted to say or do something exciting but I force the desire down because I know I'll just disgrace myself by stuttering.

But well, looking back, no regrets, really. I'm glad I'm like this. It's still an instinct in me to want to be at the forefront, to be in the action (which explains why I always try to stand in the front row in choirs! haha), but sometimes there really is more depth behind the scenes... I think there's so much more beauty in a quiet, soft word than a loud, cheerful shout.

And there is something about silence. Sometimes silence carries more meaning than the most fluent of words. And sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to be quiet and simply listen.

Even in something as painful as stuttering, there's a beauty. :)

Like a... well?

You know, I think it's really interesting to be someone who likes to observe, and who tends to internalize everything. So often my heart feels like a well that slowly fills. And the thing is... It is a beautiful thing to me, to have this well filled, be the emotions happy or sad.

When it's just plain emotional things that fill the well, it's beautiful because the heart feels fulfilled, enriched. It's as if I've somehow become a better, deeper, wiser person from mulling over the emotions.

And when it's sadness and hurt that fills the well... There can be a beauty too. It's in crying my heart out to a friend, or just to my pillow. I've ever cried till I got so tired of it all that I could do little more than lie curled on my bed. It is that moment where nothing else matters. You're just way too tired to care, and you just want to forget everything and let cleansing sleep come over you.

But there's another kind of hurt... the most painful kind: the kind that hurts so much that you are forced to cover it up, seal it, and store it in a dark corner of your mind... It's a hurt that doesn't hurt because it is buried so deep. I suspect the only way for this to heal is to share it all out to a friend. But if I have trouble facing it myself, who's going to know to help dig up the hurts?

Anyway... yeah. Life is so... deep... as an emotional person. SNAG, so what? I wouldn't give a life like this up, for the world :)

The Storm

He was the storm.

It was in the way his hair flew like the banners of old in winds of war. It was the fire in his eyes and the steely gait; and his robes, oblivious to a frame carved from marble, that flowed like the waters of the waves that buffeted your boat.

And he was approaching.

Can you see it now? The storm surrounds him like a coat of shimmering chain. As your skin tingles you almost see crackling lights and flames encircling him like a majestic hurricane; he was the centre, the eye, the focal point, the Glory. For a moment you understood it all:

He was the storm.

He strode between the waters like a pillar, like Atlas beneath the skies; you imagine him reaching to the heavens with an arm of stone and bearing the storm with his might. The world. He was bearing the world with his might. Take courage!

And all this while, he was staring at you.

Dimly a word appears in your mind: charisma. The eyes of the man of stone wearing a garment of the storm were like deep, deep wells. You see love, justice, care and beauty in his dark eyes, you see an assuredness that has spilled over into his followers' lives. You would give it all up for this man. You did. Come.

A mere man would have drowned, but this person was so much more.

As the waves buffet your craft, you climb slowly out of your boat, and begin to walk.

memories...

simply starting to look through some old photos made me realise how much i've been shielding my mind from the memories subconsciously, even now...

i never knew i was someone to block off painful memories like this.

i needed to look thru those photos on my comp, but i just couldn't carry on, i could feel the memories coming back and i could feel the hurting start...

i'm used to looking at my hurts, handling them, experiencing them, and crying them out. but this time it's so different. looks like some hurts hurt too much for my heart to handle.

and looks like i was wrong when i thought my heart had healed.

a mother's words

mmmm I've been so blessed. 2 nights in row I've had wonderful conversations with people dear to me... tonight was with my mom :) We talked on family, relationships... What's there to explain? Again I wish I had taken everything down...

A few things stayed with me tho.

Something she said underscored a change that has been happening in me... Being able to... change. I used to take pride in being an unchanging ever-the-same Sam. And it's taken so much, over the past months, for me to realize that... when you least expect it, people can change, and perhaps even I can change.

Well the context was relationships... I dunno... I always feel so content the way I am. Just never saw the need to change. But y'know, I think rather be able to adapt for someone, than to stay as a stubborn person, not willing to change just because I don't think I'm someone who changes.

That said, I think I don't have to worry about changing too much, because if God directs a change, it's for the better, and it'll come so naturally. :D

"Change comes from within..."

on dear friends and disillusionment

i realised something... you know someone is dear to you when after spending time with the person, you wish you could remember every single thing you talked about. "change comes from within!" ~ what you said is so true.

also felt disillusionment today. y'know... when you were kinda happy and hopeful about something, but the feeling deflated after a realisation? it's a sad feeling, but a good one because i think disillusionment usually lets you see things the way they really are =)

we'll see

People-watching over lunch =)

another long post! some pre-scripts: 1) Monkey and Monkey, if you tell ANYone what i told you today i will do horrible things to both of you. lol. 2) Welcome home Adela!

Spent some time observing people over my shredded chicken porridge (with egg :)) today.

A quiet man eating with 2 women at the table in front of me - they looked working class. The man had a stoic, couldn't-care-less look; he wasn't speaking.

A silent married couple beside me, I think they were having noodles - I wondered when they would start speaking to each other.

Two workers fixing the aircon on my right - they had the nonchalance of people who have learnt a very specific skill, and are using it day in, day out to earn a living. I wondered about their families - were they the sole breadwinners?

The quiet man hadn't spoken yet. I now noticed that the two women with him spoke to each other occassionally. Perhaps the man's stoicism was just a front to mask an awkwardness? Perhaps he didn't know those 2 women but just followed them to the food court because he did not have anyone at the workplace to have lunch with.

I noticed the yong tau foo seller at the far end of the food court. He was replacing washed bowls, he looked like he had been doing it for years. I’ve noticed that he was someone who had alot going on in his heart behind the casual just-doing-my-job front. Something in his eyes, in his mannerisms, hinted of a discontentment.

Then there were the cleaners. I noticed one who seemed like a type of cleaner I haven't observed before. I've always known 2 broad types: firstly there was the tightly focussed I'm-doing-this-for-a-living type. He walks slowly... I can see his eyes scanning, searching for empty plates like vultures searching for carrion. He focuses so strongly I can't read anything else in his eyes. Is this his whole life? Does he think about anything else? Does he even have anything else, anyone else to think about? Then there is the other type of cleaner, the smiling one. Occasionally when he cleans your table and you help him pile the plates, he'll smile at you, and chat back when you ask them something. It's sad - I noticed he seems to have a fearful respect of the patrons - I wonder what they taught him in training, or what kind of horrible patrons he has encountered. But I digress. Today I noticed a third type - an observer.

Now a man dressed as a hawker with an air of importance about him was talking to one of the cooks, explaining something about the food. I think he was the big boss of the seafood stall. A little man in the big scheme of things, but for the moment, in his stall, with his staff, he is king.

And the supervisor of the air-con workers had arrived - another little man who is ruler for the moment. This little ruler stood there staring while the workers worked. They still looked nonchalant, used to their job.

Neither the silent couple not the quiet man had spoken yet.

A young woman strode in determinedly. She was too busy to stop to let me observe her more and read into her character. Perhaps one of those who take pride in busyness and want to impress others with her fast-paced life.

Two young boys sat down in the middle of the food court, both sec 3 or so. When I saw them I thought of wisdom. They had the faces of kids who have not seen enough - it was something about the eyes. How do I describe it? It looked like all their thinking was going on an inch in front of their faces: their thoughts were wholly on what they were discussing excitedly for the moment. They were neither yet bad enough to have seen the dark side of life, nor yet introspective enough to see beyond appearances. Perhaps the innocence will be lost over time.

The observant cleaner had stopped observing.

The quiet man had not spoken yet.

And the married couple stood up and left, still silent.

Ever wondered what people think about you when they observe you?

:)

state of the heart report!

haven't posted in a few days :) was actually going to continue the story i wrote, but since i have other stuff to post... :)

Lotsa stuff on my mind...

You know what life feels like to me right now? It feels new... so full of new dreams, new hopes, a new future ahead even, and new friends. I haven't even been writing much in my old journal. It feels like a part of my life has been closed off and sealed.

I... I dunno if it's a good or bad thing. I don't like change, and I certainly didn't foresee these changes. I'm scared of things being sealed off, but I dunno... If God directs changes in my life I'm sure it's all for a wonderful purpose :)

oh by the way here's a photo of my niece! 1.5 months now


anyway back to the point,

On the road of life you see a door
Large, inviting, fulfilling
Slowly you walk to it, your hand grasps the warm knob
But you stop:
What is this door, Lord?
Just a detour?
Or the start of a beautiful journey?

oh wow, God answered my question after I typed that :)

so 'till next time,
Goodnight, reader

Think my next story will be about an old music box... *wink*

Perfect gallows...

"Stand fast, good fate, to his hanging; make the rope of his destiny our cable, for our own doth little advantage. If he be not born to be hanged, our case is miserable." ~ The Tempest

Found this gem of a line in The Tempest... need I say more? No matter what happens, the rope of His destiny shall be my cable. :)

memories and beauty

"I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just gonna cave in." ~ the weird kid from American Beauty



Here are the "memory corners" (and CDs area!) of my room... Do you have one in yours? :)

Memories are a huge thing for me - I don't have a good memory; when friends tell me, 'Sam, remember the time...", I always feel sad when I realise I've forgotten that beautiful moment.

Beautiful moments in my life are always touched by a little sadness. Because they are transient things to me - I know that in time I'll probably forget the magic of the moment, to have it recorded only in maybe my journal or in photographs.

But you know what? I'm content to be like this. There is a certain beauty in transcience - it makes you appreciate the magic of the moment more...

And really, there is too much beauty in the world. Can you see it? When you're at the beach at night, it's in the stars in the sky and the lights shimmering on the horizon and the waves and the soft wind... When you're with a loved one it's the way he or she smiles, it's the understanding and love... When you're on a hilltop, it's the way the clouds cast giant shadows on the valley, the way the setting sun makes the mountain range in the distance shine like diamonds...

I think if I were to remember clearly every single beautiful moment of my life I wouldn't be able to take it. Beauty can be overwhelming sometimes. :)

last night i...

1. had a shock! i learned that someone i don't really know thought i was interested in her. like huh??? I didn't even think about it lor! hahahaha... chao funny.

2. watched half of American Beauty on VCD: it's an amazing movie if you like looking into people's emotions. It's quite interesting 'cos the character I best identify with is the weird kid who kept videoing things - u learn that along he was so stiff because his heart couldn't handle how much beauty there is in the world...

3. listened to my new favourite song over and over again :) Tell him.... that the sun and moon rise...

4. Woke in the middle of the night shivering with a fever... It's a scary feeling. You're trembling and trembling under the blanket because the room becomes so cold, but at the same time you're perspiring because your high body heat makes the bed so hot. One of the few times I awoke in the morning wet with perspiration...

Epilogue: The Dream of the Captain of the Guard

ok finally finished editing this - it's less of a teen action flick kinda story now haha!

The man stood in the middle of the rain-soaked road, facing the gates of the city.

He knew the names of the statues that have stood vigil over the friends and foes who have passed through the gates. Neither the names given them by the Builders of the city, nor even names given by any earthly king, but their true names.

The man waits in the cleansing rain. He knows how to wait. A man who has stood waiting for dreams and kingdoms to fall does not become impatient easily.

The door by the side of the gate creaked open, and The Captain of the Guard now stood framed by the old door and silhouetted by the firelights of the city. He was trembling.

"What... What news, Exile?"

The man remembers the Captain. They fought side-by-side in the final moments of the war. He was once a good man, but his time had come, and news must be told and deeds performed, no matter how terrible.

"I have returned from my exile. As a wandering alchemist walks abroad seeking herbs and magicks, I have travelled far to heal the hurts of our city.

The man's eyes burned with rememberance, with revelation, and with a wisdom painfully earned.

"And I have this to report: uncertainties, unrest and strife, for I have gone by foot or horseback from the easternmost end of the Beautiful Sands, to the western tongue of the Bay of Deaths, and have found everything in order. It is all good... my captain.

The man did not expect a reply. He walked slowly to the figure sillhouetted in the door.

"I have learned a secret on my journeys, and it is a True Thing: some hurts come from within.

The man unfastened the rank insignia on the Captain's breast.

"I was ordered to take back what was stolen from the heart of the city, or to die trying. Fare thee well in Hades."

The man in the doorway did not make a sound.

The city now stands in the cleansing rain, facing the dead body.

She knows the true name of the man she exiled. Not the names given him by the kingdoms he was sent to observe, nor even the name given by the people of the Bay of Deaths. This is his true name - and a name is the person:

The people of the city once called him The Captain of the Guard.

the small kid's name is samuel :)

love, actually, is all around us.

just finished watching one of my favourite movies for the third time...

some movies can really summon emotions that are beyond words... moulin rouge is one of them, love, actually is another.

i think there's gonna be a lot on my mind as i lie under my blanket tonight.

goodnight :)

big pictures

I really think anyone who's studying business should work in a small business for a few months to see the big picture...

I'm learning so much at Tecman - accounting, marketing, ordering, supplier sourcing, payments, customer, staff relations... Things like planning how to set up a business intranet, making subtle changes to move a company towards a vision you have. I'm happy to say that I've quite influenced the direction our new store is moving towards - for better or worse. :)

Really you don't see the dirty and gritty side of a business when you do an internship in a huge corporation... Maybe Tecman should open its doors for university interns...

Anyway thought i'd show some pictures!! Mary i think you'll be very interested to see these pics... do tua and jie have my blog address?











yes, yes, the store looks empty. it's a weekday morning, whaddaya expect lol.

:)

bought this for my mom, 'cos she was overseas over Mothers' Day, and her flight's touching down in 40 mins (oh dear I really should leave soon to pick fetch her from the airport).

I love my mom... She's really one of the best friends I have. I can tell her everything, knowing that she'll always understand or try her best to... She's one of the first people I told about wanting to stay in Singapore in fact.

I've learnt so much from her through just observing her - that sometimes it really is best not to care about what others think and do what you love and what you find fun... That the friendships you have are so much more important that a prestigious career, or money... That God still does miracles!! That sometimes it really is best to grit your teeth through a trial, or a quarrel, or a heartache, and cry to someone later... That being a listener really, really blesses the people around you.

People say men end up marrying women who are like their mothers... I think it's quite true... I certainly want a wife who's like my mother. :)

Hide

He has kept the telephone by his side all this time. Some semblance of hope, perhaps.

He knows exactly how many times it has rung in the past decade.

Every call has started with a ring that startled him badly, and every call has ended in tears.

Still he clutches the telephone like it means the world to him. It does.

"I don't know why, doctor... I...

"They are laughing at me, you know. I know they are. I can see their thoughts - they know I'm different. I... Those times I hid, I just couldn't take it...

A long pause. Grit teeth and a long exhale.

"Sorry, where was I? Yes I just couldn't take it... I couldn't handle others, I didn't know what to do... I mean I could bloody understand it all... But... I was different... And I knew that they knew.

"And everytime I got close to someone I hurt them. Doctor, you ever experienced this? You get close to someone and end up hurting him? No? You don't know? Everytime, you know.... Every single stupid time."

There is a long silence as he waits for the doctor to reply.

It starts as a low baritone growl, then a snort, then... sudddenly peal after peal of laughter pours out from the receiver. Never ending streams of cruel laughter cutting deep into his heart like knives. Accusing laughter, condemning laughter, the laughter against someone who's different. The laughter that doesn't care.

He takes it all in... His hand is trembling; he twitches in the disability to accept the pain; slowly, slowly he puts the receiver down.

And he stares blankly at the wall.

He has no more tears left.

He threw the key away many, many years ago.

today, I...

* got pretty angry with a good friend... sigh... dunno what came over me. should've just kept my big mouth shut and faxie-ed in my journal like what i usually do... better to suffer in silence than to know that i probably hurt a friend by telling her she really shouldn't have done something. =/ sorry

sometimes it really is better to leave some things unsaid.

* got my hair cut, from no slope to high slope :) back to my army hairstyle heh... i can feel the winds rushing past my ears again....

hello

* spent $340 in 4 hours! yeah biggest shopping spree in a long time. 3 giodano tops, a giodano khaki, a belt, running shoes, a gift for my mom, a handheld vacuum cleaner, hand soap, and shaving cream... lol felt so tired after that. how in the world can you girls still look so excited after a whole DAY of shopping?? :)

oh i need help btw... any place to recommend for good going-out shoes, as in not running shoes? dun wanna keep spoiling my running shoes...

* got invited to a board-game party by one of my yahoo auctions buyers... cute idea eh? :)

* felt a twinge in my heart when i walked past bodyshop...

* felt glad that God's been answering a prayer beyond what i could have asked for :)

empathy

is this your gift too?

then you understand that certain blessings cuts both ways
and perhaps you too can glimpse past the things left unsaid
and perhaps the moments of silence were because you understand

listen...

tears for another's loss, and pain when another hurts.
i might not be the one to bring you,
but i'll be there to listen.

keep much inside, times i stare at the sky and wait for the stars to wink
they know my thoughts, the stars,
the turmoil, things i may never get to say.

see the pathways ahead, the days, the years?
call me cowardly, unable to initiate a path, fearful to make a resolution,
but this i know: how to walk a road with a friend

i think....

~~~~~~~~~

Plucking of the Star
i'm sorry, shadow, the star wouldn't come to see you
"but dreams," he said, in a tiny voice,
"is where i'll be to meet you."

JOY!

hehe i realise i can find little bursts of joy in the smallest things!

felt so tickled when i turned off my room light before turning on my bedside one for the gazillionth time!! haha like oh my how come it's so dark suddenly and haven't i made this mistake a million times before? *laughs*

also found joy in eating biscuits that I overpayed a blind person for... actually glad i didn't tell many people the story about the blind guy... only 2 of you in fact :)

also quite tickled by the thought that i'm probably gonna do some shopping this weekend!! haha... my poor shoes are ruined, my loyal old giodano shirts are all cut or fading, my shaving cream ran out (last week), the little bottle of liquid soap at my sink ran out too (lol i think last month). hehe...

i have funny memories of shopping :) there was once when a friend (you know who you are!! :P) left her huge handbag with me while trying on clothing, and after a while i forgot i was holding the bag and started walking around the crowded shopping centre with it! hahahaha ok

another thing is i might finally be going to cut hair this weekend too LOL... if i do i'll go back to my short high slope haircut i used in army... tried and tested lah i think it's still the best of all my weird hairstyles LOL. i mean i figured that if i'm totally clueless about how to do my hair, just hack the whole thing off and make it too short to do anything with it HAHAHAHAHA :D

ok time to sleep... cya at chorale or at church on sunday or when you come back from overseas or when there's another reunion, whichever applies to you.

hehe oh dear it's so funny, i KNOW there's so much i can be worried about but i'm feeling so full of JOY. lol... okok really time to sleep. goodnight, sweet dreams, simply rest :)

with your heart and sole

well, at least the right and left shoes are now balanced *happy look*

Nuts

Friends who are hard to really get to know, because they hide their hearts from the outside world so well.

I realise I have alot of such friends :)

Or maybe most people in the world are like this...

turn your eyes upon...

You know, the world really looks beautiful when your eyes are on God.

I was feeling seriously full of worries and cares on the way home from fetching my dad to the airport. But then I started to sing songs in the car. Now I LOVE singing in the car! There no one to hear you so you can sing as loud and as extravagantly as you want :) And as I sang to God I realised something so simple...

It's so true... We can trust Him.

I've so many examples of God's goodness! There's one thing to highlight tho:

I only just learned from my mom that all along, her heart's desire was that she would have children staying with her in Singapore, and that there would be someone helping her manage Tecman.

To quote her in a recent email,

"On 2 May, 2006, I read: He will satisfy your desire with good things - Psalm 104:6. This verse caught my attention, I stopped and started to ponder. I wonder how is God going to satisfy my desire with good things. Does God know my deepest desire? How to satisfy? What are the good things? This Bible verse was always in my mind for the days after." On her part she had no idea how God was going to satisfy her desire, since I had already gotten into Chicago.

But out of the blue, she received my email on 6 May, that I wanted to stay in Singapore. I had no idea she was feeling this way. And you know what? It was exactly on 2 May that the U-turn in my life started. And 20 days later, on 22 May, I would accept SMU's offer of admission.

Isn't God good? He not only answers prayer, he also makes sure it is answered in a way that is best for everyone involved.

The Christian life is so exciting because our God is alive! And if you take a look at your walk with Him you will see how clearly and specifically He fulfills your desires and needs, and how He teaches, heals and restores, and how He loves you so much. I see it so clearly in my life :) I can be quite a skeptical person, but even I see that there's absolutely no way that the many examples of His goodness in my life had all happened by chance.

Even right now, I'm in the midst of having a specific heart's desire fulfilled.

It's just wonderful... We can simply rest, and trust :)

Flee

I am the darkness, alone
Surrounded by walls, I'm dark.
I'm shielding my soul from the rest of the world...
I'm running away from the rest of the world...

I'm hiding my heart from the rest of the world.

just the way you are

i've been realising something these few weeks... there really are alot of quiet or lonely or shy people around, we just don't notice each other because we're... well... quiet or lonely or shy.


boo!

it makes the quiet person even more lonely, because it's the noisy, ra-ra people who are the most noticeable and the most popular... i know from experience that it leads to lots of self-condemnation and hurt... you think there's something wrong with you, or you feel sad that there's no one else who shares your heart.

and it can get really bad when an introvert is with people he doesn't really know... cos there's alot of self-consciousness, uncertainty, worry about whether or not he or she dealing with people correctly, wondering what people thinks. it makes the introvert just want to run away... or hide from the rest of the world.



i would know... i've hid everywhere... toilets, rooftops... after all, we introverts are comfortable and content to live within our hearts.

i guess i just wanna say this to those of you who feel you are different from everyone else, who can't stand the loudness and craziness of others, who long for close close friendships, who feel lonely, or who just want to run away from the rest of the world:

you aren't alone.

and you really are loved more than you know.

and your friends love you just the way you are.

yeah

a crazy sound, a lonely sound...

Winds of Change

this will be the last of my little "winds of change" series of posts... it's been a journey for me; i don't think anyone really understood all that was happening between the lines, but it's ok :) we write for our own edification too

ok i've been accepted into smu accountancy, and i'll be officially turning down my U of Chicago offer of admission very soon.

i won't go into all the details, but suffice to say that these few weeks have been full of difficult changes: a huge U-turn in my life accompanied by worries and many, many tears. I'm really grateful to those of you who walked down the long U-turn with me, and were there to listen... it really meant a lot.

I'm someone who loves constancy in life, and change is difficult for me. But i see it as... I had to make this change to avoid a bigger one. And God really cleared the way for me. I had this image in my head early on, inspired from Jer 6:16 – that I would not have to search for the path I had to take, that it would be obvious. And the path has been very very clear; I often found myself walking in it without even trying.

anyway... those of you in smu... see you in school! *grin*

If the Lord delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
from Psalm 37

on my mind...

ever noticed how rare real life seems to be? we have wonderful, magical, emotional moments, but when the moment is over, you're back to driving away from a nice time down a dark solitary road, or walking down a pavement with only starlight and streetlamps to warm you.

i like to think that real life is in the magical moments - everything else is just filling, moments to reflect, introspect, cry, regret... thought i'd share snippets of what was on my mind the last time i was in the time between real life moments:

huge, huge, huge changes in my life - and uncertainties about the future

the things we leave unspoken and the nuances

friends and the fear that i'll lose them

a little song... 'sammie, sammie, on a tree...'

a song i've loved for a long time and heard again tonight: "i am music, and i write the songs"

only 5 things! but big enough to occupy my thoughts during a quiet drive home. goodnight :)

Winds of Change, or The Shadow of One's Heart.

i don't know why i'm writing this, cos i think i should let more people read my previous (more important) post, but anyway,

There is a girl in the forest before the awakening of the morning:
Her name is The Shadow of One's Heart.
She is wearing a cloak that shimmers of the colours of the night:
The deep black beyond the stars,
Now the brown of old leaves and branches,
Now the green of leaves in the dark,
Sometimes as she walks slowly, slowly, slowly
You see stars gleam, then fade in the fabric of her dark cloak

Her head is covered by a hood of the night, but oh what you see of her:
Shadow is pale, and her face marks no passing emotion;
Almost stoic, with a porcelain frailty, almost sad.
You see beneath the surface, observer.

There is a pool in the forest in the light of the full moon:
Its waters are called The Bitter of Sorrow.
You tremble as trees rustle, murmur, argue, in the wake of a cold wind
fiery furnace, sweet daughter of night,
you have a tale to tell the waters, Beloved One,
Shadow come
Her pale feet touch the waters, and a single ripple is sent gliding across the surface
tell us your story, Wizened One.

Shadow's cloak shimmers in the darkest colours as her fragile hands lift her hood.
Hands that now enter the Water, feeling, remembering,
Her eyes are closed
She bows imperceptibly slowly, slowly to the Bitter of Sorrow,
You see her lips: they are pale, carved out of marble and diamonds,
Touched by the warmth of the heat of the moonlight,
She kisses the waters.
You can no longer see her porcelain face,

But deep down, you know, the shadow is sobbing.

it's not just you

oh dear... it seems to be my desktop's turn to crash =/ i hope it's just overheated from being overused today and that it'll be fine when i try again later. the thought of losing all the memories in that comp... anyway,

my self-esteem has been getting really really low these days. i see the people around me changing, but i've just been stuck as myself. is it just me? maybe it applies to everyone my age, but the friends around me are changing... suddenly everyone is so... what's a good word... trendy? fashionable? suddenly everyone has amazing social lives and a million friends.

and here i am:

looking awful... i love my giodano. i love the plain look. i'm so happy looking plain and not being worried about what pattern is in fashion. if it were just me i'd stay in my old giodano and jeans my whole life. i don't care if it's old and fading. but who am i kidding? people are superficial, society is superficial, the world is looking at my appearance and shaking its head - this is a social misfit. not to mention that my attempt at looking better by keeping my hair longer seems to be falling flat. i dunno... i've always felt that it's the people who look beyond outward appearance that are worth being friends with... but i keep hearing from my own friends that people look at the outside. and then i look down at MY outside and i see a pile of trash. =/

non-existent social life... i see my friends changing. i'm not just referring to one person. is it cos of the transition from JC to uni? suddenly my friends have a million and one other friends, suddenly they've become 'in' and 'cool', suddenly everyone is a clubbing expert, suddenly everyone is a fashion expert. and here i am, the guy who doesn't know how to change, the one who's still at the start line wondering how everyone progressed so fast. i see my friends moving on, and i'm still clinging on to them and to the past.

is it just the people i mix with? i dunno... maybe people like me are just rare or something. what's your idea of a fun friday night out? you know what's mine? sitting somewhere with a close friend. that's all... the beach while the waves crash, a cafe while the rain falls outside, a bench where children play in a park... people who tell me, you want more friends ar? go out more lah! are just ignorant... i don't want more friends, i want more friendship. understand what i mean? if you don't... whatever. lol. whatever.

it's hard being like this.

you get close to someone, then he or she changes, moves on, and you can't cos you don't know how to change. or you have friends who are so energetic and want to go out and do stuff, and you just want to go to a nice quite place with him or her and chat... so of course your friends move on, find other people to hang out with. who wants to do boring stuff with a boring person?

seriously, who wants to hang out with a boring person? i'm not streetsmart, i don't enjoy partying, i like being in quiet places, my fashion sense is from the 1800s. tell me if you mind being caught dead with someone like me.

thanks for reading this far. at least you care enough about this boring person to read all the way here... i suspect there'll be peope who just read the first paragraph, and think that this post is about my computer. then again, who am i kidding? not many people read my blog anyway. gosh i'm seldom so honest about my sad feelings on this blog.

=(

Eccl 4:10

I used to love being down. I used to feel that it was like a release - I can be comforted by talking to someone or just crying my heart out.

How stupid. There are some pains that are too big for tears.

stare at the list for long
wait in vain for an hear
go hide, go hide, go hide in the dark
brine unhearalded, unheard

i'm tired

Friends are friends...

You know... This period, friendship has been striking me real hard. Friends can really make all the difference. Seriously, a career, prestige, fame is pee sai compared to wonderful friends...


I feel so blessed leh... I mean I don't have MANY friends, but what friends I have are so filled with God's love and favour :) People whom I can do crazy things with (car-hunting in suntec's basement >.< really sorry about that!!), talk out my burdens with... I used to think that people didn't care. That actually they were just chao irritated with me and when they said nice things they were just acting to make me feel better. Had such bad inferiority complex... And sometimes I still do.


But anyway, here's a big thank-you and a huge *hug* to all the friends with whom I have laughed with, cried with... People who have kept me alive when I was down, and people who have helped me develop my listening/counselling skills! People whom I've been to the beach with, to chat, or just to watch the waves and the stars... People who have loved me. Really, you all mean so much to me :)

If you're going on a hard journey and could choose something to take with you, what would it be?

A friend, a dear, dear friend.

:)

Winds of Change, or The Flight of Abiathar.

The massacre was happening again; the sword of Doeg was spilling blood, crushing ephods.

He saw infants crumpled in the dust from falling off their dead mother's arms as the sword stabbed then ripped out in a gush of blood. He saw old men, priests, eyes wild as they ran helplessly from pursuing soldiers, and his own father writhing on the ground by the foot of Doeg. And then he was running, running...

He woke up with a start, brushing off the tears that stained his face, and the animal that was chewing on his bruised feet. He opened his eyes: stars above him, grass below him, trees around him... and memories inside him.

They were dead, they were all dead.

His whole life, everything he knew, his family, his possessions, his beloved... Everything gone forever. There are some hurts that cannot be expressed, some pains that are too big for tears and too heavy for sorrow. He could only stare numbly into the night, praying he would dream again: another vision to pretend that he was with his family once more, if only to watch them die.

The creature had begun to chew on his feet again; this time he didn't care. He just didn't care anymore.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall search for The Man Whose Life Is Wanted By The Murderer of My Father. I have gone on enough for the day. Tonight... tonight, I shall rest.

Jer 6:16

Lord, show me the ancient paths, show me the good way.
I won't look for it, I won't search, but I'll rest in You.
All you had us do at the crossbroads was to stand, look, and ask.
Lord, I'm standing here, I'm looking, and now I'm asking,

Lord, show me the way to go from here,
You didn't say we had to search for a hidden, winding path,
You just said to ask for it, and then walk in it.
So, I'll carry on in rest, knowing that the path will be made clear.

Such peace... =)

Ever felt these ways?

"This is what the Lord says:
   'Stand at the crossroads and look;
       ask for the ancient paths,
   ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
       and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Jeremiah 6:16

Ever felt this way? You're faxie-ing your burdens on someone because you might go crazy if you don't faxie to ANYONE. And you know that that someone probably doesn't mind.

But everytime you talk about what you're burdened about, you're worried that that someone is getting bored or put off or growing tired of your faxie-ing...

It's a lousy feeling alright. As a friend said on MSN last night... you don't know if you're being impolite or insensitive.



Or ever felt that suddenly, suddenly, things are changing in your life? Your nicely-laid out plans are suddenly being swept away by winds of change. (ok i must seriously stop being poetic lol) But yeah.

Ever felt like you've hit a sharp turning point, a crossroads? That suddenly the journey down your life as you know it comes to a screeching halt as you are forced down another path?

It's scary, I tell you. Especially for one like me who doesn't like change.



"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

Winds of Change, or Where Does Joy Lie?

Tell me where you found joy.
Pluck me a rose from the great, vast desert;
Show me the cuts and scars on your limbs
From your strange journey to the crag beneath the vultures,
And show me the crust of blood on your finger:
Your red tears from the thorn's wound

Tell me where you found joy.
Guide me to a king’s treasure in an long-forgotten maze.
Pick our way through ancient bones with your trembling feet,
And brush away cobwebs with arms sallow and thin.
Now I see in your eyes the glint of hunger and gold:
Your eyes… They never saw the sun

Tell me where you found joy.
Travel with me to Thebes and Creon
And let me tarry with you as you face the Winged Riddler,
As you now speak proudly the word Man:
The fruit of wisdom or knowledge.
Your parents, where do they lie?

Tell me where you found joy.
Did you wrest Aetites from the neck of the eagle?
Tell me you were there on the cliff
And you beheld the Neglected Egg,
And witnessed the stone’s keeper expel her young;
Your fear as she turned to face you.

I’ll tell you where I found joy...
I find it in resting snugly between the sheets in the morning.
In waking up, logging in, and starting the day with a nice long MSN chat.
In going to Mac’s and giving the staff at the shop a treat of nuggets!
And in simply resting in the moment, and forgetting all else.
Because He sees all, really.

The Year of the Lord's Favor

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes

Winds of Change, or The Colour of Dawn.

What is the colour of your tears? Tell me you see the light splinter and sparkle too. Tell me you, too, see the rainbow colours. Or try stopping time to notice the gleam on the edge of a teardrop as it falls onto your cold, sobbing skin.

What is in a moment? Bring me to the time you rested in a second, when you found solace in that nothing else matters. When it was you, the walls, and the stillness of your room, or bed, or cubicle, or rooftop, when you could pretend that it didn't exist, that you didn't care, that you had nothing to cry about. Or you could try.

What is an emotion, what is too much? Show me your heart in the very second the sobs start, when emotion overcomes it. Show me the battle between your muscles, or pride, or face, and the feelings within. Show me your heart as it shivers and grinds and tenses and finally, finally, exhales.

What is a mask? Take it off, take it off, my darling heart... if you can. Take the mask, kneel, and present it, and watch it shatter as my great red tears merely brush it. Then watch yourself pick the fragments up slowly, slowly, watch yourself slowly fasten each piece on the organ, watch yourself burden your shattered heart. If you can even find the mask.

How do you colour sunshine? With a brush of yellow, red, or merely gold? Tell me you colour it with the dreams and fears of last night, or spot it with the dyes of yesterday and the inks of the future; tell me you left out the morning, and that you forgot to wake up. I'll be there, I'll be there... For I colour sunshine with the dawn.

i learned a

few things last night:

1) Ritz Carlton toilets are amazing. The cubicles make you feel all warm and homely - great place to hide if you wanna get away from the party crowd hahaha...

2) Toilet- and lobby-lurkers aren't that rare. Was nice to see that I wasn't the only one who had to get away from the celebration :) LOVE the carpet and the sofas in the lobby area!!

3) People who talk alot somehow love to talk to others who talk alot. Quite interesting huh? Maybe they love fighting for the spotlight or something. And most of these 'successful and popular' people look the same... The distinguished, rich, i-built-my-career-from-rags-to-riches look :D

4) If someone asks you to say something via video to a friend who just got married, think twice before saying anything really obscene cos the video might just be shown in front of like 500 distinguished guests including the president...

5) Propriety assumes a lot and condemns easily. (c'mon i really didn't see that not everyone on the table had been served yet!!! *grrrr*)

that said, it WAS quite fun to squeeze myself into my suit, gel my hair and in general act distinguished :D Just let me hide in the toilet or lobby once in a while to recharge *laugh*