...

you know, right now, i'm actually happy that no one's reading my blog anymore. it means i have the freedom to write whatever's on my mind. by the time anyone reads this it'll probably be buried somewhere in my blog history. who am i writing to then? God, my laptop, my table, thin air... i dunno.

i've been so so sad these days. and i never told anyone... guess i've never liked to impose my problems on other people. why sad? it's funny because my daytimes are always cheery... today i had a very succesful business meeting with a big shot from a U.S. company... and i went to buy a little present for someone. that present was the high point of my day... there's something about giving gifts that i love. i love knowing that i've made someone happy, that i put a smile on someone's face, that i made someone's day, that i reminded someone that someone's thinking abt her or him.

but i always, always look forward to coming home and logging on to msn... because i'm so damn lonely.

haha i actually said that. but i guess it doesn't matter 'cos i'm the only one reading this blog nowadays. and no i'm not just saying that for sympathy. i really am the only one reading my blog nowadays. LOL i'm trying to convince a reader on a blog entry that i'm sure isn't going to be read.. anyway.

i've been so sad these days... and no one in the world knew, except for one person... i dunno if you're ever going to read this, but if you chance upon this entry one day... thank you, really thank you for your concern. and i'm sorry i never told you why i was sad. anyhow, here's the reason - i'm just so damn lonely.

i've had such dear friends in the past few years... but they're all... fading. one gets attached and the friendship fades from then on (i don't blame her). another one... God, i helped her through months and months of sadness!!!! and then when she's standing on her feet again, she moves on... and i'm left feeling used, and so tired, and painful - it's like an arm suddenly decided to rip itself off from my body (yes, J, this friend is the main reason why i'm sad... i'm sorry i didn't tell u when u asked...). and another dear dear friend, decided she wanted to move on, to explore... and others have gone overseas...

it feels like last new year's eve. you know how i spent it? i spent it huddled on the sofa in my room, listening to the little fountain outside my door, crying. because i knew that everyone else had their own friends to be with and here i was, at home, with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

i know why people cut themselves. it's to distract them from the pain in their hearts. because emotional pain cuts deeper than any flesh wound.

friends moving on... it's so painful. i know this is the age when people rediscover their need for excitement... partly cos they're back in school surrounded by other pple. and they move from exciting experience to exciting experience... but what happens to the people who just love simple constancy? who just want to spend a whole afternoon sitting on a bench by the beach, or the corner of a rooftop, or in a park, or on a balcona, just spending time with someone. who would much much rather have one friend who he trusts completely, who knows him like a sibling, than 100 so-called exciting friendships. it's painful... it's why i feel like i've been left trailing in the dust. my dearest friends have moved on to other experiences. and i'm left hanging on to the fading memories of the friendship...

right now... this is what life is like. i don't even cry anymore. at nights... i potter around the room... occassionally check my msn list... try to pack my room... get pissed at myself for numbly playing a game because i have nothing better to do... microwave a snack from the fridge... that's all. life's like that. it's been like this for some time. i don't know what's keeping me going.