big pictures

I really think anyone who's studying business should work in a small business for a few months to see the big picture...

I'm learning so much at Tecman - accounting, marketing, ordering, supplier sourcing, payments, customer, staff relations... Things like planning how to set up a business intranet, making subtle changes to move a company towards a vision you have. I'm happy to say that I've quite influenced the direction our new store is moving towards - for better or worse. :)

Really you don't see the dirty and gritty side of a business when you do an internship in a huge corporation... Maybe Tecman should open its doors for university interns...

Anyway thought i'd show some pictures!! Mary i think you'll be very interested to see these pics... do tua and jie have my blog address?











yes, yes, the store looks empty. it's a weekday morning, whaddaya expect lol.

:)

bought this for my mom, 'cos she was overseas over Mothers' Day, and her flight's touching down in 40 mins (oh dear I really should leave soon to pick fetch her from the airport).

I love my mom... She's really one of the best friends I have. I can tell her everything, knowing that she'll always understand or try her best to... She's one of the first people I told about wanting to stay in Singapore in fact.

I've learnt so much from her through just observing her - that sometimes it really is best not to care about what others think and do what you love and what you find fun... That the friendships you have are so much more important that a prestigious career, or money... That God still does miracles!! That sometimes it really is best to grit your teeth through a trial, or a quarrel, or a heartache, and cry to someone later... That being a listener really, really blesses the people around you.

People say men end up marrying women who are like their mothers... I think it's quite true... I certainly want a wife who's like my mother. :)

Hide

He has kept the telephone by his side all this time. Some semblance of hope, perhaps.

He knows exactly how many times it has rung in the past decade.

Every call has started with a ring that startled him badly, and every call has ended in tears.

Still he clutches the telephone like it means the world to him. It does.

"I don't know why, doctor... I...

"They are laughing at me, you know. I know they are. I can see their thoughts - they know I'm different. I... Those times I hid, I just couldn't take it...

A long pause. Grit teeth and a long exhale.

"Sorry, where was I? Yes I just couldn't take it... I couldn't handle others, I didn't know what to do... I mean I could bloody understand it all... But... I was different... And I knew that they knew.

"And everytime I got close to someone I hurt them. Doctor, you ever experienced this? You get close to someone and end up hurting him? No? You don't know? Everytime, you know.... Every single stupid time."

There is a long silence as he waits for the doctor to reply.

It starts as a low baritone growl, then a snort, then... sudddenly peal after peal of laughter pours out from the receiver. Never ending streams of cruel laughter cutting deep into his heart like knives. Accusing laughter, condemning laughter, the laughter against someone who's different. The laughter that doesn't care.

He takes it all in... His hand is trembling; he twitches in the disability to accept the pain; slowly, slowly he puts the receiver down.

And he stares blankly at the wall.

He has no more tears left.

He threw the key away many, many years ago.

today, I...

* got pretty angry with a good friend... sigh... dunno what came over me. should've just kept my big mouth shut and faxie-ed in my journal like what i usually do... better to suffer in silence than to know that i probably hurt a friend by telling her she really shouldn't have done something. =/ sorry

sometimes it really is better to leave some things unsaid.

* got my hair cut, from no slope to high slope :) back to my army hairstyle heh... i can feel the winds rushing past my ears again....

hello

* spent $340 in 4 hours! yeah biggest shopping spree in a long time. 3 giodano tops, a giodano khaki, a belt, running shoes, a gift for my mom, a handheld vacuum cleaner, hand soap, and shaving cream... lol felt so tired after that. how in the world can you girls still look so excited after a whole DAY of shopping?? :)

oh i need help btw... any place to recommend for good going-out shoes, as in not running shoes? dun wanna keep spoiling my running shoes...

* got invited to a board-game party by one of my yahoo auctions buyers... cute idea eh? :)

* felt a twinge in my heart when i walked past bodyshop...

* felt glad that God's been answering a prayer beyond what i could have asked for :)

empathy

is this your gift too?

then you understand that certain blessings cuts both ways
and perhaps you too can glimpse past the things left unsaid
and perhaps the moments of silence were because you understand

listen...

tears for another's loss, and pain when another hurts.
i might not be the one to bring you,
but i'll be there to listen.

keep much inside, times i stare at the sky and wait for the stars to wink
they know my thoughts, the stars,
the turmoil, things i may never get to say.

see the pathways ahead, the days, the years?
call me cowardly, unable to initiate a path, fearful to make a resolution,
but this i know: how to walk a road with a friend

i think....

~~~~~~~~~

Plucking of the Star
i'm sorry, shadow, the star wouldn't come to see you
"but dreams," he said, in a tiny voice,
"is where i'll be to meet you."

JOY!

hehe i realise i can find little bursts of joy in the smallest things!

felt so tickled when i turned off my room light before turning on my bedside one for the gazillionth time!! haha like oh my how come it's so dark suddenly and haven't i made this mistake a million times before? *laughs*

also found joy in eating biscuits that I overpayed a blind person for... actually glad i didn't tell many people the story about the blind guy... only 2 of you in fact :)

also quite tickled by the thought that i'm probably gonna do some shopping this weekend!! haha... my poor shoes are ruined, my loyal old giodano shirts are all cut or fading, my shaving cream ran out (last week), the little bottle of liquid soap at my sink ran out too (lol i think last month). hehe...

i have funny memories of shopping :) there was once when a friend (you know who you are!! :P) left her huge handbag with me while trying on clothing, and after a while i forgot i was holding the bag and started walking around the crowded shopping centre with it! hahahaha ok

another thing is i might finally be going to cut hair this weekend too LOL... if i do i'll go back to my short high slope haircut i used in army... tried and tested lah i think it's still the best of all my weird hairstyles LOL. i mean i figured that if i'm totally clueless about how to do my hair, just hack the whole thing off and make it too short to do anything with it HAHAHAHAHA :D

ok time to sleep... cya at chorale or at church on sunday or when you come back from overseas or when there's another reunion, whichever applies to you.

hehe oh dear it's so funny, i KNOW there's so much i can be worried about but i'm feeling so full of JOY. lol... okok really time to sleep. goodnight, sweet dreams, simply rest :)

with your heart and sole

well, at least the right and left shoes are now balanced *happy look*

Nuts

Friends who are hard to really get to know, because they hide their hearts from the outside world so well.

I realise I have alot of such friends :)

Or maybe most people in the world are like this...

turn your eyes upon...

You know, the world really looks beautiful when your eyes are on God.

I was feeling seriously full of worries and cares on the way home from fetching my dad to the airport. But then I started to sing songs in the car. Now I LOVE singing in the car! There no one to hear you so you can sing as loud and as extravagantly as you want :) And as I sang to God I realised something so simple...

It's so true... We can trust Him.

I've so many examples of God's goodness! There's one thing to highlight tho:

I only just learned from my mom that all along, her heart's desire was that she would have children staying with her in Singapore, and that there would be someone helping her manage Tecman.

To quote her in a recent email,

"On 2 May, 2006, I read: He will satisfy your desire with good things - Psalm 104:6. This verse caught my attention, I stopped and started to ponder. I wonder how is God going to satisfy my desire with good things. Does God know my deepest desire? How to satisfy? What are the good things? This Bible verse was always in my mind for the days after." On her part she had no idea how God was going to satisfy her desire, since I had already gotten into Chicago.

But out of the blue, she received my email on 6 May, that I wanted to stay in Singapore. I had no idea she was feeling this way. And you know what? It was exactly on 2 May that the U-turn in my life started. And 20 days later, on 22 May, I would accept SMU's offer of admission.

Isn't God good? He not only answers prayer, he also makes sure it is answered in a way that is best for everyone involved.

The Christian life is so exciting because our God is alive! And if you take a look at your walk with Him you will see how clearly and specifically He fulfills your desires and needs, and how He teaches, heals and restores, and how He loves you so much. I see it so clearly in my life :) I can be quite a skeptical person, but even I see that there's absolutely no way that the many examples of His goodness in my life had all happened by chance.

Even right now, I'm in the midst of having a specific heart's desire fulfilled.

It's just wonderful... We can simply rest, and trust :)

Flee

I am the darkness, alone
Surrounded by walls, I'm dark.
I'm shielding my soul from the rest of the world...
I'm running away from the rest of the world...

I'm hiding my heart from the rest of the world.

just the way you are

i've been realising something these few weeks... there really are alot of quiet or lonely or shy people around, we just don't notice each other because we're... well... quiet or lonely or shy.


boo!

it makes the quiet person even more lonely, because it's the noisy, ra-ra people who are the most noticeable and the most popular... i know from experience that it leads to lots of self-condemnation and hurt... you think there's something wrong with you, or you feel sad that there's no one else who shares your heart.

and it can get really bad when an introvert is with people he doesn't really know... cos there's alot of self-consciousness, uncertainty, worry about whether or not he or she dealing with people correctly, wondering what people thinks. it makes the introvert just want to run away... or hide from the rest of the world.



i would know... i've hid everywhere... toilets, rooftops... after all, we introverts are comfortable and content to live within our hearts.

i guess i just wanna say this to those of you who feel you are different from everyone else, who can't stand the loudness and craziness of others, who long for close close friendships, who feel lonely, or who just want to run away from the rest of the world:

you aren't alone.

and you really are loved more than you know.

and your friends love you just the way you are.

yeah

a crazy sound, a lonely sound...

Winds of Change

this will be the last of my little "winds of change" series of posts... it's been a journey for me; i don't think anyone really understood all that was happening between the lines, but it's ok :) we write for our own edification too

ok i've been accepted into smu accountancy, and i'll be officially turning down my U of Chicago offer of admission very soon.

i won't go into all the details, but suffice to say that these few weeks have been full of difficult changes: a huge U-turn in my life accompanied by worries and many, many tears. I'm really grateful to those of you who walked down the long U-turn with me, and were there to listen... it really meant a lot.

I'm someone who loves constancy in life, and change is difficult for me. But i see it as... I had to make this change to avoid a bigger one. And God really cleared the way for me. I had this image in my head early on, inspired from Jer 6:16 – that I would not have to search for the path I had to take, that it would be obvious. And the path has been very very clear; I often found myself walking in it without even trying.

anyway... those of you in smu... see you in school! *grin*

If the Lord delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
from Psalm 37

on my mind...

ever noticed how rare real life seems to be? we have wonderful, magical, emotional moments, but when the moment is over, you're back to driving away from a nice time down a dark solitary road, or walking down a pavement with only starlight and streetlamps to warm you.

i like to think that real life is in the magical moments - everything else is just filling, moments to reflect, introspect, cry, regret... thought i'd share snippets of what was on my mind the last time i was in the time between real life moments:

huge, huge, huge changes in my life - and uncertainties about the future

the things we leave unspoken and the nuances

friends and the fear that i'll lose them

a little song... 'sammie, sammie, on a tree...'

a song i've loved for a long time and heard again tonight: "i am music, and i write the songs"

only 5 things! but big enough to occupy my thoughts during a quiet drive home. goodnight :)

Winds of Change, or The Shadow of One's Heart.

i don't know why i'm writing this, cos i think i should let more people read my previous (more important) post, but anyway,

There is a girl in the forest before the awakening of the morning:
Her name is The Shadow of One's Heart.
She is wearing a cloak that shimmers of the colours of the night:
The deep black beyond the stars,
Now the brown of old leaves and branches,
Now the green of leaves in the dark,
Sometimes as she walks slowly, slowly, slowly
You see stars gleam, then fade in the fabric of her dark cloak

Her head is covered by a hood of the night, but oh what you see of her:
Shadow is pale, and her face marks no passing emotion;
Almost stoic, with a porcelain frailty, almost sad.
You see beneath the surface, observer.

There is a pool in the forest in the light of the full moon:
Its waters are called The Bitter of Sorrow.
You tremble as trees rustle, murmur, argue, in the wake of a cold wind
fiery furnace, sweet daughter of night,
you have a tale to tell the waters, Beloved One,
Shadow come
Her pale feet touch the waters, and a single ripple is sent gliding across the surface
tell us your story, Wizened One.

Shadow's cloak shimmers in the darkest colours as her fragile hands lift her hood.
Hands that now enter the Water, feeling, remembering,
Her eyes are closed
She bows imperceptibly slowly, slowly to the Bitter of Sorrow,
You see her lips: they are pale, carved out of marble and diamonds,
Touched by the warmth of the heat of the moonlight,
She kisses the waters.
You can no longer see her porcelain face,

But deep down, you know, the shadow is sobbing.

it's not just you

oh dear... it seems to be my desktop's turn to crash =/ i hope it's just overheated from being overused today and that it'll be fine when i try again later. the thought of losing all the memories in that comp... anyway,

my self-esteem has been getting really really low these days. i see the people around me changing, but i've just been stuck as myself. is it just me? maybe it applies to everyone my age, but the friends around me are changing... suddenly everyone is so... what's a good word... trendy? fashionable? suddenly everyone has amazing social lives and a million friends.

and here i am:

looking awful... i love my giodano. i love the plain look. i'm so happy looking plain and not being worried about what pattern is in fashion. if it were just me i'd stay in my old giodano and jeans my whole life. i don't care if it's old and fading. but who am i kidding? people are superficial, society is superficial, the world is looking at my appearance and shaking its head - this is a social misfit. not to mention that my attempt at looking better by keeping my hair longer seems to be falling flat. i dunno... i've always felt that it's the people who look beyond outward appearance that are worth being friends with... but i keep hearing from my own friends that people look at the outside. and then i look down at MY outside and i see a pile of trash. =/

non-existent social life... i see my friends changing. i'm not just referring to one person. is it cos of the transition from JC to uni? suddenly my friends have a million and one other friends, suddenly they've become 'in' and 'cool', suddenly everyone is a clubbing expert, suddenly everyone is a fashion expert. and here i am, the guy who doesn't know how to change, the one who's still at the start line wondering how everyone progressed so fast. i see my friends moving on, and i'm still clinging on to them and to the past.

is it just the people i mix with? i dunno... maybe people like me are just rare or something. what's your idea of a fun friday night out? you know what's mine? sitting somewhere with a close friend. that's all... the beach while the waves crash, a cafe while the rain falls outside, a bench where children play in a park... people who tell me, you want more friends ar? go out more lah! are just ignorant... i don't want more friends, i want more friendship. understand what i mean? if you don't... whatever. lol. whatever.

it's hard being like this.

you get close to someone, then he or she changes, moves on, and you can't cos you don't know how to change. or you have friends who are so energetic and want to go out and do stuff, and you just want to go to a nice quite place with him or her and chat... so of course your friends move on, find other people to hang out with. who wants to do boring stuff with a boring person?

seriously, who wants to hang out with a boring person? i'm not streetsmart, i don't enjoy partying, i like being in quiet places, my fashion sense is from the 1800s. tell me if you mind being caught dead with someone like me.

thanks for reading this far. at least you care enough about this boring person to read all the way here... i suspect there'll be peope who just read the first paragraph, and think that this post is about my computer. then again, who am i kidding? not many people read my blog anyway. gosh i'm seldom so honest about my sad feelings on this blog.

=(

Eccl 4:10

I used to love being down. I used to feel that it was like a release - I can be comforted by talking to someone or just crying my heart out.

How stupid. There are some pains that are too big for tears.

stare at the list for long
wait in vain for an hear
go hide, go hide, go hide in the dark
brine unhearalded, unheard

i'm tired

Friends are friends...

You know... This period, friendship has been striking me real hard. Friends can really make all the difference. Seriously, a career, prestige, fame is pee sai compared to wonderful friends...


I feel so blessed leh... I mean I don't have MANY friends, but what friends I have are so filled with God's love and favour :) People whom I can do crazy things with (car-hunting in suntec's basement >.< really sorry about that!!), talk out my burdens with... I used to think that people didn't care. That actually they were just chao irritated with me and when they said nice things they were just acting to make me feel better. Had such bad inferiority complex... And sometimes I still do.


But anyway, here's a big thank-you and a huge *hug* to all the friends with whom I have laughed with, cried with... People who have kept me alive when I was down, and people who have helped me develop my listening/counselling skills! People whom I've been to the beach with, to chat, or just to watch the waves and the stars... People who have loved me. Really, you all mean so much to me :)

If you're going on a hard journey and could choose something to take with you, what would it be?

A friend, a dear, dear friend.

:)

Winds of Change, or The Flight of Abiathar.

The massacre was happening again; the sword of Doeg was spilling blood, crushing ephods.

He saw infants crumpled in the dust from falling off their dead mother's arms as the sword stabbed then ripped out in a gush of blood. He saw old men, priests, eyes wild as they ran helplessly from pursuing soldiers, and his own father writhing on the ground by the foot of Doeg. And then he was running, running...

He woke up with a start, brushing off the tears that stained his face, and the animal that was chewing on his bruised feet. He opened his eyes: stars above him, grass below him, trees around him... and memories inside him.

They were dead, they were all dead.

His whole life, everything he knew, his family, his possessions, his beloved... Everything gone forever. There are some hurts that cannot be expressed, some pains that are too big for tears and too heavy for sorrow. He could only stare numbly into the night, praying he would dream again: another vision to pretend that he was with his family once more, if only to watch them die.

The creature had begun to chew on his feet again; this time he didn't care. He just didn't care anymore.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall search for The Man Whose Life Is Wanted By The Murderer of My Father. I have gone on enough for the day. Tonight... tonight, I shall rest.

Jer 6:16

Lord, show me the ancient paths, show me the good way.
I won't look for it, I won't search, but I'll rest in You.
All you had us do at the crossbroads was to stand, look, and ask.
Lord, I'm standing here, I'm looking, and now I'm asking,

Lord, show me the way to go from here,
You didn't say we had to search for a hidden, winding path,
You just said to ask for it, and then walk in it.
So, I'll carry on in rest, knowing that the path will be made clear.

Such peace... =)

Ever felt these ways?

"This is what the Lord says:
   'Stand at the crossroads and look;
       ask for the ancient paths,
   ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
       and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Jeremiah 6:16

Ever felt this way? You're faxie-ing your burdens on someone because you might go crazy if you don't faxie to ANYONE. And you know that that someone probably doesn't mind.

But everytime you talk about what you're burdened about, you're worried that that someone is getting bored or put off or growing tired of your faxie-ing...

It's a lousy feeling alright. As a friend said on MSN last night... you don't know if you're being impolite or insensitive.



Or ever felt that suddenly, suddenly, things are changing in your life? Your nicely-laid out plans are suddenly being swept away by winds of change. (ok i must seriously stop being poetic lol) But yeah.

Ever felt like you've hit a sharp turning point, a crossroads? That suddenly the journey down your life as you know it comes to a screeching halt as you are forced down another path?

It's scary, I tell you. Especially for one like me who doesn't like change.



"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

Winds of Change, or Where Does Joy Lie?

Tell me where you found joy.
Pluck me a rose from the great, vast desert;
Show me the cuts and scars on your limbs
From your strange journey to the crag beneath the vultures,
And show me the crust of blood on your finger:
Your red tears from the thorn's wound

Tell me where you found joy.
Guide me to a king’s treasure in an long-forgotten maze.
Pick our way through ancient bones with your trembling feet,
And brush away cobwebs with arms sallow and thin.
Now I see in your eyes the glint of hunger and gold:
Your eyes… They never saw the sun

Tell me where you found joy.
Travel with me to Thebes and Creon
And let me tarry with you as you face the Winged Riddler,
As you now speak proudly the word Man:
The fruit of wisdom or knowledge.
Your parents, where do they lie?

Tell me where you found joy.
Did you wrest Aetites from the neck of the eagle?
Tell me you were there on the cliff
And you beheld the Neglected Egg,
And witnessed the stone’s keeper expel her young;
Your fear as she turned to face you.

I’ll tell you where I found joy...
I find it in resting snugly between the sheets in the morning.
In waking up, logging in, and starting the day with a nice long MSN chat.
In going to Mac’s and giving the staff at the shop a treat of nuggets!
And in simply resting in the moment, and forgetting all else.
Because He sees all, really.

The Year of the Lord's Favor

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes

Winds of Change, or The Colour of Dawn.

What is the colour of your tears? Tell me you see the light splinter and sparkle too. Tell me you, too, see the rainbow colours. Or try stopping time to notice the gleam on the edge of a teardrop as it falls onto your cold, sobbing skin.

What is in a moment? Bring me to the time you rested in a second, when you found solace in that nothing else matters. When it was you, the walls, and the stillness of your room, or bed, or cubicle, or rooftop, when you could pretend that it didn't exist, that you didn't care, that you had nothing to cry about. Or you could try.

What is an emotion, what is too much? Show me your heart in the very second the sobs start, when emotion overcomes it. Show me the battle between your muscles, or pride, or face, and the feelings within. Show me your heart as it shivers and grinds and tenses and finally, finally, exhales.

What is a mask? Take it off, take it off, my darling heart... if you can. Take the mask, kneel, and present it, and watch it shatter as my great red tears merely brush it. Then watch yourself pick the fragments up slowly, slowly, watch yourself slowly fasten each piece on the organ, watch yourself burden your shattered heart. If you can even find the mask.

How do you colour sunshine? With a brush of yellow, red, or merely gold? Tell me you colour it with the dreams and fears of last night, or spot it with the dyes of yesterday and the inks of the future; tell me you left out the morning, and that you forgot to wake up. I'll be there, I'll be there... For I colour sunshine with the dawn.

i learned a

few things last night:

1) Ritz Carlton toilets are amazing. The cubicles make you feel all warm and homely - great place to hide if you wanna get away from the party crowd hahaha...

2) Toilet- and lobby-lurkers aren't that rare. Was nice to see that I wasn't the only one who had to get away from the celebration :) LOVE the carpet and the sofas in the lobby area!!

3) People who talk alot somehow love to talk to others who talk alot. Quite interesting huh? Maybe they love fighting for the spotlight or something. And most of these 'successful and popular' people look the same... The distinguished, rich, i-built-my-career-from-rags-to-riches look :D

4) If someone asks you to say something via video to a friend who just got married, think twice before saying anything really obscene cos the video might just be shown in front of like 500 distinguished guests including the president...

5) Propriety assumes a lot and condemns easily. (c'mon i really didn't see that not everyone on the table had been served yet!!! *grrrr*)

that said, it WAS quite fun to squeeze myself into my suit, gel my hair and in general act distinguished :D Just let me hide in the toilet or lobby once in a while to recharge *laugh*