Blue Eyes

see the old man with the deep blue eyes
wand'ring alone as the days go by
a heart of a fool and his painful sigh
a love that was true 'til the day you died

in your wake

slow down, slow down, won't you pause for a friend?
i so miss plain walking, and the stillness, the stars,
the plain quiet moments, and the sitting in the sand.
i guess.... i'll just wait, but i wonder how far.

Little Bluebird

I asked little bluebird
To teach me to fly
Away from it all
And into the sky

pictures and quotes!

New store opening ceremony! Hehe I'm so proud of Tecman :) I don't care if people still think we're low-class, a neighbourhood store, whatever... I know what we are, and how loyal our customers are, and we know how faithful God has been to the company, and that's enough :)

Cute quotes from my parents today:

"SMU girls all very pretty one hor. Especially now you got car, all sure want to be nice to you one. Must open eyes big big and get smart one." - My dad! :D

"Slash the prices! Now we don't care about profit. Make loss also nevermind. Most important is to bring in the cases." - My mom on reviving our wedding department :)

Mist

Oh, gaze into his bloodshot eyes:
Love, and the fear, and years gone by,
     Journeys so far and a tower tall,
     See kings and queens; and rise and fall
But bars of iron, and a cold, cold sigh.

3 things on my heart...

1. Realization that my self-esteem is either way too high or way too low... I always think I'm one of the worst singers in my section, but I keep trying to convince myself that I'm just being paranoid and am actually not bad, and then I have a horrible pract and I think I'm super super terrible all over again... lol... =/

2. Joy :) The way God teaches and guides me is so beautiful... I can look back and see 'seasons' in my life, periods that last several months where He was subtly teaching me something. The period when He walked me through the book of Romans was beautiful: things would just happen throughout the period that would remind me of teachings in that book: sermons, stuff in my daily life, picking up the bible to read at night... It was beautiful. And there was a period when He showed me over and over again how I can trust Him no matter how difficult situations are - it was so gentle and subtle and yet so obvious that trusting Him now comes so easily for me. Ok I'm a little sidetracked haha...

But yeah, joy. God's been showing me these days that I can find so much joy even though things around me are hectic, and uncertain. Joy is so deep! It is beyond happiness and hyperness... To me it is like a water that fills my heart. Sure, cares and burdens may be in me, but when I look at the emotions I can smile inwardly because they are all surrounded by the waters. Perhaps it comes from knowing that God is handling everything for me because He loves me, perhaps there doesn't have to be a reason for joy other than it being a lovely gift from God. It's wonderful. The leave-it-to-God life doesn't mean you forget what you care about, it means that you care about things, but with a beautiful, unchanging joy and peace.

3. A beautiful verse: "Then she said, 'Sit still, my daughter, until you know how the matter will turn out; for the man will not rest until he has concluded the matter this day.'" from Ruth 3:18, NIV :)

Joy and restfulness :)

a meme!

How old do you wish you were?
Exactly 21... I'm really curious about how I'll be spending my birthday. :)

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In the living room... my parents were frantically and incoherently trying to tell me what was going on on TV.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Turn the coin return a few times... It never works tho :)

Do you consider yourself kind?
Yeah, maybe a bit too much for my own good.

If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Somewhere no one's ever gonna see, like in between my toes.

If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Greek. It's just so cool.

Do you know your neighbors?
Yup, one of them is pretty close to my family.

What do you consider a vacation?
Spending time with a close friend.

Do you follow your horoscope.
Well I sometimes read the horoscope pages to laugh at how wrong it is for me :) But there is a link between astrology and Christianity, something I've been wanting to research more deeply but never got down to doing. :)

Would you move for the person you loved?
I was all ready to do so until

Are you touchy feely?
Yup. Hugs are nice things.

Do you believe that opposites attract?
Sometimes, yes.

Dream job?
One that lets me multitask with the option of going in-depth if I want to. And one that allows me to spend time with my family.

Favorite channel(s)?
Er... The closest thing to TV I watch are VCDs on my laptop.

Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere where I'm spending time with a close friend. The beach comes to mind... Beautiful memories there.

Showers or Baths?
Showers. If my legs get tired I can always sit down on the shower floor... hehehe

Do you paint your nails?
I know being a guy doesn't necessarily mean I DON'T paint my nails, but... yeah I'm a guy.

Do you trust people easily?
No

What are your phobias?
Crowds and loud noises... it's getting better tho.

Do you want kids?
Yup, after spending a few years with my wife... *just the two of us*

Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yeah... since... Pri 6 I think.

Where would you rather be right now?
With a dear friend.

Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
See above.

Heavy or light sleeper?
Usually heavy, recently having problems with a new pillow tho. lol

Are you paranoid?
*suspicious look* why are you asking that?

Are you impatient?
Yup.

Who can you relate to?
You.

How do you feel about interracial couples?
? It's normal really :)

Have you been burned by love?
Depends on what you mean by burned :)

What's your favorite pick-up line?
I wish I had a pickup line. LOL

What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
One of those that came with the mobile.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Hmmm... I think I was online, lamenting how few friends were on... Am I the only one who stays at home at night??

What did the last text on your cellphone say?
LOL it was an update on the coming weekend's practises from my SL.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine :)

What color shirt are you wearing?
White :)

Most recent movie you watched?
Moulin Rouge, only halfway through tho :)

Name three things you have on you at all times?
Er... Er... I dunno...

What color are your bed sheets?
A deep blue that's fading a little :)

How much cash do you have on you right now?
$75.10

What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The lard that gives the chicken rice its flavour :)

What's your favorite town/city?
Prague. It was magical.

I can't wait till:
Nothing... Life comes in big patchy chunks nowadays, and really I'm looking forward to every single patchy chunk because there is so much joy and peace to be found in each chunk, even if bad things happen. Somehow I'm feeling a deep, deep joy in the midst of all the crazy stuff that has been happening these days. It's wonderful :) Something I've grown to learn - leaving it all to God doesn't mean you cease to care about anything. :)

Who got you to join LJ?
Dawny!

What did you have for dinner last night?
Last night? Indian rojak at the Bras Basah food court :)

How tall are you barefoot?
1.73 i think

Do you own a gun?
I USED to have a toy gun...

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
eh... anything, really...

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
i don't have one... any suggestions? lol

Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Smiling... smiling cos I'll still be full of joy.

Last thing you ate?
A chunk of fried chicken :)

What songs do you sing in the shower?
Christian songs, and certain lines of some love songs :)

Last thing that made you laugh?
I think I laughed with my mom's small group when i went to visit them at my neighbour's house :)

Worst injury you've ever had?
Fracture-dislocation of my wrist from blading. (see the scar?)

Does someone have a crush on you?
I would certainly like to think so, but disillusionism and cynicism has gotten hold of me so my answer is HAR? ME? Pls lah. NO.

What's your favorite candy?
Kinder Bueno! Haven't had it in ages.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Beauty for Ashes.

a... a... a... nevermind.

Ever had a thought like this? That your life would be very, very different if not for something?


hehe this pic is just here for fun... that's me with Uncle John (a close family friend) and my dad

For me it's stuttering. I actually thought of explaining here what causes stuttering, but nah, too technical =) Stutterers go through a lot of turmoil in something as simple as speaking... I don't think many normal people know this cos fluent speech comes so naturally to you guys.

It's a difficult, difficult condition to have... I don't know how to describe the anxiety and fears I've gone through as a stutterer. Looking at a person, knowing well that you are going to 'block' on the next word but just trying to say it because you have no choice, and seeing the person look quizzical, or lose interest, or turn away, or ask if you're ok, because your head is shaking in an effort to get the stupid word out... (btw - don't try to give a stutter stuttering advice unless you really know about the condition. i've really heard too much nonsense advice from laymen.)

But back to the point - I think my life would be very different without the stutter. I would've been alot more... up-in-front, go-getting, dynamic. instinctively I always want to break barriers of formality between me and superiors, or business relations. I think... I would've become one of those super-confident super-networking people. So often I've wanted to say or do something exciting but I force the desire down because I know I'll just disgrace myself by stuttering.

But well, looking back, no regrets, really. I'm glad I'm like this. It's still an instinct in me to want to be at the forefront, to be in the action (which explains why I always try to stand in the front row in choirs! haha), but sometimes there really is more depth behind the scenes... I think there's so much more beauty in a quiet, soft word than a loud, cheerful shout.

And there is something about silence. Sometimes silence carries more meaning than the most fluent of words. And sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to be quiet and simply listen.

Even in something as painful as stuttering, there's a beauty. :)

Like a... well?

You know, I think it's really interesting to be someone who likes to observe, and who tends to internalize everything. So often my heart feels like a well that slowly fills. And the thing is... It is a beautiful thing to me, to have this well filled, be the emotions happy or sad.

When it's just plain emotional things that fill the well, it's beautiful because the heart feels fulfilled, enriched. It's as if I've somehow become a better, deeper, wiser person from mulling over the emotions.

And when it's sadness and hurt that fills the well... There can be a beauty too. It's in crying my heart out to a friend, or just to my pillow. I've ever cried till I got so tired of it all that I could do little more than lie curled on my bed. It is that moment where nothing else matters. You're just way too tired to care, and you just want to forget everything and let cleansing sleep come over you.

But there's another kind of hurt... the most painful kind: the kind that hurts so much that you are forced to cover it up, seal it, and store it in a dark corner of your mind... It's a hurt that doesn't hurt because it is buried so deep. I suspect the only way for this to heal is to share it all out to a friend. But if I have trouble facing it myself, who's going to know to help dig up the hurts?

Anyway... yeah. Life is so... deep... as an emotional person. SNAG, so what? I wouldn't give a life like this up, for the world :)

The Storm

He was the storm.

It was in the way his hair flew like the banners of old in winds of war. It was the fire in his eyes and the steely gait; and his robes, oblivious to a frame carved from marble, that flowed like the waters of the waves that buffeted your boat.

And he was approaching.

Can you see it now? The storm surrounds him like a coat of shimmering chain. As your skin tingles you almost see crackling lights and flames encircling him like a majestic hurricane; he was the centre, the eye, the focal point, the Glory. For a moment you understood it all:

He was the storm.

He strode between the waters like a pillar, like Atlas beneath the skies; you imagine him reaching to the heavens with an arm of stone and bearing the storm with his might. The world. He was bearing the world with his might. Take courage!

And all this while, he was staring at you.

Dimly a word appears in your mind: charisma. The eyes of the man of stone wearing a garment of the storm were like deep, deep wells. You see love, justice, care and beauty in his dark eyes, you see an assuredness that has spilled over into his followers' lives. You would give it all up for this man. You did. Come.

A mere man would have drowned, but this person was so much more.

As the waves buffet your craft, you climb slowly out of your boat, and begin to walk.

memories...

simply starting to look through some old photos made me realise how much i've been shielding my mind from the memories subconsciously, even now...

i never knew i was someone to block off painful memories like this.

i needed to look thru those photos on my comp, but i just couldn't carry on, i could feel the memories coming back and i could feel the hurting start...

i'm used to looking at my hurts, handling them, experiencing them, and crying them out. but this time it's so different. looks like some hurts hurt too much for my heart to handle.

and looks like i was wrong when i thought my heart had healed.

a mother's words

mmmm I've been so blessed. 2 nights in row I've had wonderful conversations with people dear to me... tonight was with my mom :) We talked on family, relationships... What's there to explain? Again I wish I had taken everything down...

A few things stayed with me tho.

Something she said underscored a change that has been happening in me... Being able to... change. I used to take pride in being an unchanging ever-the-same Sam. And it's taken so much, over the past months, for me to realize that... when you least expect it, people can change, and perhaps even I can change.

Well the context was relationships... I dunno... I always feel so content the way I am. Just never saw the need to change. But y'know, I think rather be able to adapt for someone, than to stay as a stubborn person, not willing to change just because I don't think I'm someone who changes.

That said, I think I don't have to worry about changing too much, because if God directs a change, it's for the better, and it'll come so naturally. :D

"Change comes from within..."

on dear friends and disillusionment

i realised something... you know someone is dear to you when after spending time with the person, you wish you could remember every single thing you talked about. "change comes from within!" ~ what you said is so true.

also felt disillusionment today. y'know... when you were kinda happy and hopeful about something, but the feeling deflated after a realisation? it's a sad feeling, but a good one because i think disillusionment usually lets you see things the way they really are =)

we'll see

People-watching over lunch =)

another long post! some pre-scripts: 1) Monkey and Monkey, if you tell ANYone what i told you today i will do horrible things to both of you. lol. 2) Welcome home Adela!

Spent some time observing people over my shredded chicken porridge (with egg :)) today.

A quiet man eating with 2 women at the table in front of me - they looked working class. The man had a stoic, couldn't-care-less look; he wasn't speaking.

A silent married couple beside me, I think they were having noodles - I wondered when they would start speaking to each other.

Two workers fixing the aircon on my right - they had the nonchalance of people who have learnt a very specific skill, and are using it day in, day out to earn a living. I wondered about their families - were they the sole breadwinners?

The quiet man hadn't spoken yet. I now noticed that the two women with him spoke to each other occassionally. Perhaps the man's stoicism was just a front to mask an awkwardness? Perhaps he didn't know those 2 women but just followed them to the food court because he did not have anyone at the workplace to have lunch with.

I noticed the yong tau foo seller at the far end of the food court. He was replacing washed bowls, he looked like he had been doing it for years. I’ve noticed that he was someone who had alot going on in his heart behind the casual just-doing-my-job front. Something in his eyes, in his mannerisms, hinted of a discontentment.

Then there were the cleaners. I noticed one who seemed like a type of cleaner I haven't observed before. I've always known 2 broad types: firstly there was the tightly focussed I'm-doing-this-for-a-living type. He walks slowly... I can see his eyes scanning, searching for empty plates like vultures searching for carrion. He focuses so strongly I can't read anything else in his eyes. Is this his whole life? Does he think about anything else? Does he even have anything else, anyone else to think about? Then there is the other type of cleaner, the smiling one. Occasionally when he cleans your table and you help him pile the plates, he'll smile at you, and chat back when you ask them something. It's sad - I noticed he seems to have a fearful respect of the patrons - I wonder what they taught him in training, or what kind of horrible patrons he has encountered. But I digress. Today I noticed a third type - an observer.

Now a man dressed as a hawker with an air of importance about him was talking to one of the cooks, explaining something about the food. I think he was the big boss of the seafood stall. A little man in the big scheme of things, but for the moment, in his stall, with his staff, he is king.

And the supervisor of the air-con workers had arrived - another little man who is ruler for the moment. This little ruler stood there staring while the workers worked. They still looked nonchalant, used to their job.

Neither the silent couple not the quiet man had spoken yet.

A young woman strode in determinedly. She was too busy to stop to let me observe her more and read into her character. Perhaps one of those who take pride in busyness and want to impress others with her fast-paced life.

Two young boys sat down in the middle of the food court, both sec 3 or so. When I saw them I thought of wisdom. They had the faces of kids who have not seen enough - it was something about the eyes. How do I describe it? It looked like all their thinking was going on an inch in front of their faces: their thoughts were wholly on what they were discussing excitedly for the moment. They were neither yet bad enough to have seen the dark side of life, nor yet introspective enough to see beyond appearances. Perhaps the innocence will be lost over time.

The observant cleaner had stopped observing.

The quiet man had not spoken yet.

And the married couple stood up and left, still silent.

Ever wondered what people think about you when they observe you?

:)

state of the heart report!

haven't posted in a few days :) was actually going to continue the story i wrote, but since i have other stuff to post... :)

Lotsa stuff on my mind...

You know what life feels like to me right now? It feels new... so full of new dreams, new hopes, a new future ahead even, and new friends. I haven't even been writing much in my old journal. It feels like a part of my life has been closed off and sealed.

I... I dunno if it's a good or bad thing. I don't like change, and I certainly didn't foresee these changes. I'm scared of things being sealed off, but I dunno... If God directs changes in my life I'm sure it's all for a wonderful purpose :)

oh by the way here's a photo of my niece! 1.5 months now


anyway back to the point,

On the road of life you see a door
Large, inviting, fulfilling
Slowly you walk to it, your hand grasps the warm knob
But you stop:
What is this door, Lord?
Just a detour?
Or the start of a beautiful journey?

oh wow, God answered my question after I typed that :)

so 'till next time,
Goodnight, reader

Think my next story will be about an old music box... *wink*

Perfect gallows...

"Stand fast, good fate, to his hanging; make the rope of his destiny our cable, for our own doth little advantage. If he be not born to be hanged, our case is miserable." ~ The Tempest

Found this gem of a line in The Tempest... need I say more? No matter what happens, the rope of His destiny shall be my cable. :)

memories and beauty

"I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just gonna cave in." ~ the weird kid from American Beauty



Here are the "memory corners" (and CDs area!) of my room... Do you have one in yours? :)

Memories are a huge thing for me - I don't have a good memory; when friends tell me, 'Sam, remember the time...", I always feel sad when I realise I've forgotten that beautiful moment.

Beautiful moments in my life are always touched by a little sadness. Because they are transient things to me - I know that in time I'll probably forget the magic of the moment, to have it recorded only in maybe my journal or in photographs.

But you know what? I'm content to be like this. There is a certain beauty in transcience - it makes you appreciate the magic of the moment more...

And really, there is too much beauty in the world. Can you see it? When you're at the beach at night, it's in the stars in the sky and the lights shimmering on the horizon and the waves and the soft wind... When you're with a loved one it's the way he or she smiles, it's the understanding and love... When you're on a hilltop, it's the way the clouds cast giant shadows on the valley, the way the setting sun makes the mountain range in the distance shine like diamonds...

I think if I were to remember clearly every single beautiful moment of my life I wouldn't be able to take it. Beauty can be overwhelming sometimes. :)

last night i...

1. had a shock! i learned that someone i don't really know thought i was interested in her. like huh??? I didn't even think about it lor! hahahaha... chao funny.

2. watched half of American Beauty on VCD: it's an amazing movie if you like looking into people's emotions. It's quite interesting 'cos the character I best identify with is the weird kid who kept videoing things - u learn that along he was so stiff because his heart couldn't handle how much beauty there is in the world...

3. listened to my new favourite song over and over again :) Tell him.... that the sun and moon rise...

4. Woke in the middle of the night shivering with a fever... It's a scary feeling. You're trembling and trembling under the blanket because the room becomes so cold, but at the same time you're perspiring because your high body heat makes the bed so hot. One of the few times I awoke in the morning wet with perspiration...

Epilogue: The Dream of the Captain of the Guard

ok finally finished editing this - it's less of a teen action flick kinda story now haha!

The man stood in the middle of the rain-soaked road, facing the gates of the city.

He knew the names of the statues that have stood vigil over the friends and foes who have passed through the gates. Neither the names given them by the Builders of the city, nor even names given by any earthly king, but their true names.

The man waits in the cleansing rain. He knows how to wait. A man who has stood waiting for dreams and kingdoms to fall does not become impatient easily.

The door by the side of the gate creaked open, and The Captain of the Guard now stood framed by the old door and silhouetted by the firelights of the city. He was trembling.

"What... What news, Exile?"

The man remembers the Captain. They fought side-by-side in the final moments of the war. He was once a good man, but his time had come, and news must be told and deeds performed, no matter how terrible.

"I have returned from my exile. As a wandering alchemist walks abroad seeking herbs and magicks, I have travelled far to heal the hurts of our city.

The man's eyes burned with rememberance, with revelation, and with a wisdom painfully earned.

"And I have this to report: uncertainties, unrest and strife, for I have gone by foot or horseback from the easternmost end of the Beautiful Sands, to the western tongue of the Bay of Deaths, and have found everything in order. It is all good... my captain.

The man did not expect a reply. He walked slowly to the figure sillhouetted in the door.

"I have learned a secret on my journeys, and it is a True Thing: some hurts come from within.

The man unfastened the rank insignia on the Captain's breast.

"I was ordered to take back what was stolen from the heart of the city, or to die trying. Fare thee well in Hades."

The man in the doorway did not make a sound.

The city now stands in the cleansing rain, facing the dead body.

She knows the true name of the man she exiled. Not the names given him by the kingdoms he was sent to observe, nor even the name given by the people of the Bay of Deaths. This is his true name - and a name is the person:

The people of the city once called him The Captain of the Guard.

the small kid's name is samuel :)

love, actually, is all around us.

just finished watching one of my favourite movies for the third time...

some movies can really summon emotions that are beyond words... moulin rouge is one of them, love, actually is another.

i think there's gonna be a lot on my mind as i lie under my blanket tonight.

goodnight :)