past stories

always love looking back at my old stories and poems. makes me feel happy. ideas have not been flowing readily recently... probably because i rely on very strong emotions as the impetus for works... well...

inexpressible

if only emotions could write down in words
the flutter of wings of the lifeless bird

an analysis of pirates 1

so i view certain movies very differently from most people. like iam one of those nerds who see the Matrix as the deepest movie in the world, who actually identifies with each of the characters in American Beauty, and etc.

and guess what? i actually see the pirates series as a huge chain of agreements and how these agreements are created, kept, or broken :) of course i really enjoyed the hilarious acting + fight scenes too! but this is just another way of seeing a movie.

so let's start with pirates 1 :)

scene
searching for a new crew

agreements
crew members: join jack sparrow
jack: gives them the crew members the ship

fulfilled?
yes! this is why the crew members decided to leave jack behind on the treasure islabnd - cos they own the ship now. it's only at the end of the movie that the crew gives the ship back to jack after he escapes the noose.


scene
barbossa and will

agreement
barbosa: let elizabeth and the crew go free
will: won't kill himself in return

fulfilled?
partially. elizabeth and jack are "freed" by being marooned on an island. the rest of the crew aren't freed tho.


scene
after jack and elizabeth are rescued by the english

agreement
commodore person: help save will
elizabeth: marry the commodore

fulfilled?
no. elizabeth doesn't marry the commodore in this movie.


scene
jack and the english

agreement
jack: to bring the undead pirates out for the english to kill
commodore: spares jack's life

fulfilled?
yes! jack brought them out, the english just had no idea that they would be attacked...


scene
before the final fight

agreement
barbossa: don't kill will now, attack the english first, and own 2 ships
jack: life is spared but have to pay barbossa 25% of his plunder

fulfilled?
no, because jack kills barbossa. even though he comes to life in pirates 3, the death arguably nullifies the agreement.


conclusion
all the agreements made are fulfilled except for elizabeth having to marry the commodore. if i remember correctly this problem is dealt with in pirates 3 :)

yo ho!

new thing a-learn!

just learned something about web programming that's quite simple but deceptively so especially with all the newfangled tools out there: that coding simply is better than coding "complexly"

:)

it really is

everywhere you look you see love. there's so much magic to remember... i'm suddenly remember the time i would sit alone in the corner of the flat concrete roof of my army camp at night gazing at stars, and pick up the phone to call a friend. and the times (twice i think) i would walk to the busstop from VJ with my heart a-flutter because so-and-so was walking in the same group. and the time it occurred very suddenly to me that i really did make some great friends in the army. and the fact that i've cried with friends before.

magic in the air. i remember a monkey once told me that our lives are like korean dramas, we just don't see it from the audience's viewpoint. how true...

love, actually, is all around us

two scenes in that movie rank among the most heart-wrenching i've ever seen. one is everyone's anti-favourite: the one where the best man had to reveal to the bride that he loved her all along...

and the other is the scene where the big boss' wife had found out that her husband was cheating on her. she's in the bedroom, sadness well-hidden, and she doesn't know what to do, like it's a huge shock to her. "both sides now" plays in the background, and she walks around as if still very rattled, dabs her eyes with the tissue and starts to arrange the bed... and then she stares silently at their bed and you can imagine all the thoughts running through her mind: has he slept with her? how did he get seduced? should i confront him? and then she bites down all the emotions and sadness because she has to face her happy family again... after all, it's Christmas.

Going Home

Dear friend, do you dream?
Take my hand,

It is a white glove. The kind worn
by faces on a dark stage: the kind
that holds canes and chairs and tall dark hats;
the kind you see with covered faces saying

Yes, why would I?
In this land of all places, why wear

A toothless, sightless grin. A mask
made by the end of life itself; a lifeless
face that speaks of unnatural times and dreadful
places like

Here?
We are nowhere,

then

Let us go somewhere.

A wind-battered, rain-soaked hilltop. A robe
in shreds and torn by spears of water; the uncontrollable
night that like screeching bats
sweep and stare and echoes in your

Soul... so you begin to guess?
move closer, and see

Shapes: one holding the robe to its place
in the rain; its stoicity is
like a pillar the shape of a man
draped in the wind

Itself, what can you tell?
Open your eyes and see

The wind sweeps back and forth and around
the figure, like the grasps of
a drowning man; through the piercing water
the wind flings the cloak open and

You see?
There is nothing, dear friend. It's just

Home.

another quote from her...

"if you ask me what's 1 plus 2, i'll be like, 'what?'. i'll ask you to count yourself."

quote from her...

"do i look weird?"

Our Journals!!

so candice and i designed a range of journals :) they have been printed and are up for sale at tecman! 68 copies sold in 2 days, not bad at all :) they're copyrighted under dainty and burpy designs :)





random photo of candice while we were studying at tecman :D


more updates to come!

should be sleeping...

spend some time reading friends' blogs, and came across a pretty sad entry about a breakup. i guess i should be happy that a couple that i knew was doomed to fail breaks up earlier rather than later, but... well... i always feel sad when i hear about breakups. it's like, something they thought would last, didn't.

anyway, high time for me to sleep. goodnight.

random going-ons

ok random captionless photos cos i uploaded all these to candice and my website and i dunno how to preview them when i look for the URLs heh...



went for latin ballroom audition yesterday! was fun! and i love latin dance because there's so much attitude to it. it's as flashy as salsa but the mood is much more exotic.



of course i still prefer tango... but have had SO little time to go for practicas and milongas :(



in other news, been spending alot of time at american club (where candice goes gym-ing). it's my new fave place to study. and did i mention that i LOVE the toilets? i mean, gosh, i don't feel like coming out after i'm done in the cubicles...



had an interesting experience today. was doing some big business in a toilet and i heard a cleaner aunty curse and YELL something about "people pang sai and SO SMELLY!"



and i've decided something... that i WILL try to improve my memory... by always trying to recall stuff :)



*falls asleep*

who am i?

who am i? who am i if circumstances keep making me change? i've already come all the way here; how come the roads branch and fork and dance at the horizon? can't i be who the world wants me to be, and still be who i know myself to be?

who are we other than the person we know ourselves to be?
who stares back at you from within the mirror?
who is that person called by your name in the past?
will you be yourself in the future?
will you remember who you are now?

~

randoming

just re-watched the video i made for my dad's birthday... didn't like the first part on hindsight, but there were some flashes of brilliance that made me go "wow... i'm good at this".

isn't it nice? to think that you are good at something? too often we try so hard to be humble that we forget that we can do some things well, and that people appreciate that.

other stuff...

just had went for an archery mini-competition for beginners :) was really really close to getting 2nd place, but my hand somehow slipped at the last arrow and it went way too low. ah well.

oh and the journals are about to be sent for printing :) *high fives candice*

my little life

just re-read my previous post... "my little life"... i think that's a nice way to call my life. :)

today and stuff happening

today was interesting. went to tecman today to discuss candice and my designs for the journals (gonna get them printed soon, in huge huge batches!), and happened to arrive exactly when the staff had caught a thief and were waiting for the police.

i think all hope of escape must have died in his mind when he saw my dad and i (both pretty big guys) arrive to stand at the doorway of the shop where he was being detained by one of our rather fierce-looking male staff member. i mean, if he tries to run, all i have to do i push him hard to the floor and when my dad and i sit on him that's the end.

that, and had my second latin ballroom lesson for the term! which wasn't very interesting given that they're teaching moves i've learnt before...

other than that, a lot of stuff happening and coming up.
1. i've joined the school salsa team (VERY taxing training)
2. will likely try out, at least, for the latin ballroom team
3. am considering joining the archery club (cos i've been going for a beginners' course and the archers seem impressed with me heh)
4. will likely join a sub-committee for the upcoming latin fest, a latin dance festival, smu is organizing.

yeah, events are swirling around and people, both nice and not-so-nice, are coming into my little life.

i instinctively don't like uncertainty, which may be the reason why i've been feeling disoriented and even worried about the future, these days. but i guess... i'll hold on to the belief that things always do work out well.

*slightly-tired smile*

memories

memories are devious things... they pop out of nowhere and put your emotions in a spin.

random thoughts

you know how just talking to an old friend can bring back memories of a whole era of your life? just had that experience :) not just an era, but an era full of wonders and surprises, that is all the more precious because it passed by so quickly...

and secondly, i have this theory that smu students' grades are divergent. in that the good will do better and better, and the bad will do worse and worse. that's because a big chunk of our grade is in projects. and the good students tend to group together (obviously), leaving the not-so-good ones to group within themselves...

:)

random pic!

ok i planned to put up a lot of photos, but it's late so i'll put just one up for now :D



:)

Mazzlewaz Declares War

Mazzlewaz the king on his lofty throne
As a beam of the sun from his window shone
On the gold of the ground of the highest hall
Where the people cry as the heroes fall,

Said, "Hand me the sceptre of jewelled silver
We plucked from the dark, unending shiver
Where our enemies died while in vain they called,
And our people cried, "Their heroes fall!"

So the Guards of the Sceptre march up the stairs
Past watching lords and their ladies fair,
Whose eyes, like stars, affixed, enthralled,
That saw people cry and heroes fall.

Now king with sceptre and sceptre with king
And a song of war, this song they sing:
Minstrel and soldier and blacksmith and thrall,
All our people cry, "Their heroes shall fall!"

The king, on his feet - his steely gaze
Catches each eye, each radiant face -
And raising his voice in resounding call,
"Make their people cry as their heroes fall!"

there's something about tango...

there's something glorious about tango. it's such a subtle, beautiful dance that has so many combinations of moves and so many styles. i'd say it's the opposite of salsa. salsa is about flashiness and sexiness in a pretty fixed structure while tango is about subtlety and elegance in a smooth, flowing structure.

anything is possible in tango. the crux is the leader knowing how to shift the follower's weight and knowing where her feet are at any time. once that is mastered, virtually anything is possible :)

oh yeah and tonight's milonga realy was particularly nice :)

how's my life?

i was very touched this morning when candice asked me how my life is right now, aside from time with her. i don't usually get people asking me how i am :)

well, how *is* my life at the moment?

it's looking up! lots of things i'm looking forward to. i'm planning to take up archery, squash, social latin and salsa classes in school, working on tecman's new publishing arm, spending time dancing tango, and my classes this term look interesting at least :)

yup life's been nice :)

even even more pictures!

pink penguins and pink flowers:


the cute pink thing's name's Cordellia!


this was at the pet shop at suntec! LOVE hamsters. really really want a guinea pig *sigh*


i've been walking around town in singlet and short alot these days hehe


okie that's all for now :D

inertia

this choir gathering i've been trying to organize is a good real-life example of inertia

1. people say hey let's have a gathering - ok so at least some people want a gathering
2. people say hey get sam to organize - and i don't mind cos it's true that most of them are working and all
3. sends out chain emails - ok doesn't work cos it's just a mess of random ideas
4. ask people to tell me when they're free - something like 3 or 4 people replied... out of nearly... 20?
5. sends out excel file for poeple to input names - no one replies

like what the toot?

anyway. trying. too many people i haven't met!

:)

image of a thing in a cage

a mental image of an exhausted and muscular but wasted-away man in a cage of rusty iron, pulling at the bars with all his might, his eyes in a frenzy and most of his hair in clumps on the ground. now he's pacing back and forth, back and forth, like a stalker staring at his prey, his eyes feral yellow with a hungry focus. steely gaze. back and forth. back and forth. and suddenly in a frenzy his hands whip to the nearest bars and he screams, head facing the sky, as he pulls with all his might. he will eventually give up, and he will die, alone, like a beast in a cage.

to make millions or to be famous or to be some big leader

recently i've been having this heavy suspicion that i won't amount to anything.

i see people around me all gearing up for or actually entering high-profile jobs. people who got into huge firms after graduation, people who are very "into" market analysis and other financial thingies, people who take on leadership roles and service roles like it's second nature to them...

and i see myself. this simple guy who was all along content to be a theoretical physicist, sitting at his desk musing over his equations and once in a while giving an interesting lecture to his students. even when this dream changed to something more leadership/finance related, the new dream involved working with and building up what was dear to me (Tecman). somehow i always go for familiarity and constancy... i look into my heart and can no longer find any of that drive to make millions or to be famous or to be some big leader.

maybe it isn't such a bad thing. maybe i just feel this way because of the pressure i get from parents, peers, the world. maybe... maybe it's just because i'm in SMU, a place full of people who have that drive, after all it IS a business school. it's just difficult sometimes. especially when i look at myself and wonder if the problem is ME - like maybe i'm lacking any drive at all, maybe i'm just a lazy bum, maybe... i dunno.

it's scary because i used to be 100% happy to be myself, to a point that i would refuse to change no matter what. and now that i have become mutable inside i'm starting to look around and see that i am different, that i just don't want or am not interested in many of the things my friends and family are after.

so right now... here i am. this blur big soft guy that at least one person finds sweet, who finds doing nice things for people a million times more meaningful than making a million dollars, who is content to hold on to and develop what he is familiar with, and whose heart is perhaps bigger than his deeds.

and perhaps, for good or for worse, that is all i have.

FTB 2007 (When Things Don't Go According to Plan...)

So I was a faci for this year's SMU Freshman Team-Building camp. I'd gone through hours upon hours of training, and probably twice as many hours of my own planning and dreaming up of how I would craft the experience for my freshies and what I would say to them.

The facis from mock camp group FABS just before we were to receive our freshmen!


Well, it didn't go according to plan :) I did expect that the freshies would be unreceptive to the idea of teambuilding (as opposed to stupid fun like in any other orientation camp), but I didn't expect them to be THAT unreceptive, nor did I expect the team to be so unmotivated on the first day. I tried my best to inject some energy into the team by minimizing debrief sessions to just a few words and playing silly games, but nothing worked... It was even difficult getting the team hyped up during the fun night games.

Fruit-eating: one of the silly night games hehe


But all that changed at the first activity (horizontal spiderweb) on day 2. I managed to psyche the team to wanting to complete the very difficult activity, and was much stricter with constraints than before. I kept giving them benchmarks ("Half the teams can complete the whole challenge", then, "best teams can do it under 3 minutes"), and told them that one touch of the web meant failure. And with that they simply kept trying, even to the point of restarting the whole attempt when the very last person touched the rope on the way out of the web.

It was a certain team pride, a pride that said, "I've come so far, no way I'm not gonna try one more time to succeed. If other teams can complete this, so can my team.", and this carried the team through to success. It was amazing.

The team at the horizontal spider web.


At that point I threw everything I learnt away. I realised that given the team dynamics, there was not going to be time to bring the team through all the stages of team-builing and what not, so I simply scrapped any negative learning points from my debrief, and focussed on their success, to give them a high experience they would remember forever.

The team at sea.


And it worked because the "high" from the integriy, success, and teamwork of the horizontal spiderweb carried on to the next activity, where they had to build a raft from scratch and race with it. And it was with this feeling of success as a team that they came in first in the group - when they had reached the end, ALL the other teams had at most just pushed their rafts to sea.

At the final challenge on day 3!


However at the end of day 2 was the lowest point for me, emotionally. It was the lowest I've felt in a very very long time. Even through the team's successes, I felt there was no bondedness and the team was very fractured into small cliques, and I felt very pressurized to follow the "traditional" style of team-building (sit in a circle and write down your feelings) because the other facis in my section were doing so. The second night was very difficult for me, even though the item the facis put up for the freshis was really hilarious (I was the most funny dancing sleeping bag! and we bit the skin off a watermelon! and the snail race! and the pantyhose fight!).

More of the final challenge!


However when I spoke with the team that night, asked them to share individually how they felt about the camp so far, and shared some of my own feelings, I was very encouraged. Because they themselves felt that the team was very bonded, and they thanked me for not going the "traditional" style of team-building...

Group photo after the final challenge!


Day 3's final challenge (a la amazing race) was simply an acknowledgement that I had a great team under my care. The during and after the challenge, I could see a the unity and the bond that had formed between them. It was the way they held hands and sang songs together as they had to brave freezing hands for a minute, they way they sat together filling up the survey forms at the canteen benches... At the final debrief of the camp, I asked individual freshmen to share what they felt was the one thing they learned from the camp, and most mentioned teamwork. :) I'm pretty proud of my speech to them too, telling them about the importance of setting personal goals, just as the team did at the horizontal spiderweb. :)

4 generations of VJC choir!


Oh and I did manage to do ONE thing I planned: to tell them, at the final debriefing of the camp, to rate the camp while they closed their eyes and I go through with them everything they experienced throughout the 3 days...

It was really a pretty magical 3 days :)

in other news...

family reunion thing at my house a few days ago!
tua gou & i! my favourite aunt!

marie & i! my favourite cousin!

my mom & i! my darling mom!


the bear had been pining for his lily for so long...

and she finally came back to give him a hug!


candice's dad's birthday, post-chinesedinner!



:)

the "nice stuff" cabinet

okie so i bought and built a new cabinet just for old memories and awards! (and the calculus book is just there to add weight so the cabinet won't topple heh) a lot of nice memories just from looking at the cabinet.

there's alot of stuff from birthdays! the little deer and houses is my collection of xmas trinkets from a few log cakes. the toilet paper has birthday wishes printed all over it (!) and the pink musical box was a 21st birthday gift from army friends lol.

a lot of nice non-birthday gifts from friends too. the big star is from my very nice junior while playing angel mortal game in J2 :) and the chicago bear is one of the most meaningful presents i've ever received.

also thos plaques are the awards i received in ACS(I). and i'm particularly proud of my 2 army half marathon medals and 2 xiamen choir olympics medals :)

much as i complain that i have a bad memory, there's tons of stuff to reminiscence on. it feels now as if i've stepped into a new phase of my life with new friends and new experiences along with the old ones, and i think i've been making very assured and comfortable strides :)

yup :)

Anothe quote from...

Candice:
"I hardly wear clothes; depends on what I already have."

stuff we love doing...

(OK because a friend complained that i my blog is too chim, and said photos are easier to digest, here goes!)

stuff we love doing!

(1) Squash

ok i've only ever beaten candice once... and was a measly 18-16 scoreline. she just has this instinct for where the ball's gonna be. and i have this problem with getting beaten psychologically. ok enough rambling i know you want photos. oh did i mention that i think the squash ball's really cute?




^ us giving weird looks!


(2) Food - we LOVE to eat

this tummy is what you get after a hotcakes breakfast

for a while we were having hotcakes like everyday hehe


another favourite: vil'lage crepes!


and the ultimate is japanese food. man. we once finished 3 big plates FULL of unagi kabayaki in ONE sitting. felt sick after that. this was at sakae sushi. "candlelight dinner" haha


(3) Our stuffed toys

this is a shot of the sofa in my room :) yes mostly MY stuffed toys haha. baby's there perched on top!

we have happy stuffed toys.


(4) Doing all kinds of stuff!

surprise gift for me! i look like tiger!


at the esplanade just before watching dim sum dollies :) great play btw.


okie that's all for now! happy? hahahaha

random stuff :)

saw dim sum dollies last night! it was amazing! hossan leong is an AMAZING stand-up comedian... "why do they keep making indians walk back and forth, back and forth?" :)

and a long-overdue quotable quote from candice:

"why would blood go to your hands? they don't need warmth what."

lol

okie back to cleaning my room. more pictures another time :)

difficult

have a very tough decision ahead of me. between, on one hand, carrying out a high-commitment-level task because my friends are there and because i have prepared very long for it, and, on the other hand, pulling out of the task because unhappiness with the apparent behaviour of the task's organizers mean i cannot carry out the task with 100% effectiveness, happiness and satisfaction.

a choice between honouring friends and prepation, and honouring my personal conscience and work satisfaction.

very, very difficult choice to make.

many mini updates!

shopping outing with these 2 bizarre ladies (candice&sophia) *grins to show dimples*


and i FINALLY beat candice in squash for the first time 2 days ago! 18-16! AND before that in scrabble, by no less than 80 points! ok she WAS feeling sick during the squash game... and she DID get terible scrabble pieces... well... *another grin*


this is what happens when 2 pple who love to cook, love to eat as well...



lily has a lovely new couch :) as this odd-looking giant looks on...


*HUGE smile*

i LOVE musicals

two AMAZING videos

multi-language Do You Hear The People Sing


original cast performing At The End Of The Day and One Day More:

pics part 3: we made a baby!

we made a baby, and it's a boy!

(ok a stuffed dog named baby, to be exact :P)

so after a huge buffet lunch at suntec we were like (1) ooh customized stuffed toy shop let's go (2) ooh cute stuffed toys, maybe another time (3) oh let's just make a stuff toy now...


Candice, Baby's birth certificate, Baby and his baby, the little carrier Baby stayed in for a while...




additions to the usual car party :)