Despair

Despair is the heart of the man who painted his room the colour of the night, who nailed the door shut and barred the windows. It is the fist that grips the same man's heart as he sits on the dark marble tiles, trembling, as he stares into the darkness, neither crying nor remembering.

Despair is the cruel star that winked on the young man who was just passing by, who left his heart on this beach years ago. It is in the hot tears that creep down his cheek as he sits and remembers and knows that those friends and memories are fading; the starlight splits into a mocking kaleidoscope in his red eyes.

Despair is hands of the counsellor who goes home, every night, to a lonely flat. The same hands that cradles her tired head as she stares at the telephone, hands that now slowly dial a random number, because she just needs to hear a voice, any voice; her mind wanders to thick length of rope she bought years ago.

Despair is the lips of the man who lies whenever a friend asks how he is, saying that he is fine, diverting the topic from anything to do with the burdens that weigh down his every step, every word. It is the same lips that tastes the salt of his tears as he cries in the dark at night, the lips that does not know how to express itself.

Despair is the unspoken and unheard, it is the dark beyond the stars that ends all light, it is the gleaming end of the sharpest edge of a merciful knife. Despair is before hope, and after hope, it is constancy and uniformity, the unbroken run of a predator hunting its prey to its inevitable end.

Despair is the deepest depth, the most blinding blackness, the friend you once had, the hope you once cradled, the life you thought you remembered, the years that you wasted, the tears that went unseen, the hugs you will never give again, the kisses you will never have again, the flowers that wilted, the sea of a drowning man and the forgiving noose. Despair is itself, and it is strong.

is it just me?

deleted - i really need to remember never to post stuff when i'm down and sleepy...

top of the world

I wonder why so few people are joining victoria chorale after VJ Choir. Ask yourself something: do you really want to look back one day and wish that you were in stage singing instead of watching in the audience? I know there are some of you who are truly passionate about choral music but not in chorale because your friends aren't there. Ever realised that everyone else is probably thinking that way? It only takes a spark to start a huge fire.

Anyway, I'm back from the 4th World Choir Games :) VC's results:

Category 1: Musica Sacra A Capella - Category Winners (ie. top of the world)
Category 2: Contemporary Music - Gold Medal

As usual I'm a bit sad that there is so little knowledge about this, and so little coverage by the Singapore press. Do you know how big a deal it is to top the whole world for Sacred Music A Capella? It is equivalent to a Singaporean runner competing against running powerhouses like the USA and Africa, and beating them flat. And do you know how it feels to see your Singapore flag fly high, and to see people from all over the world in a grand hall stand up to pay respect to your flag while you stand on stage and sing your national anthemn? Or to see foreigners come up to you and say "Wow, you're the choir from Singapore! You are really very very good! Can I have your autograph?"




Singapore is trying so hard to put its mark in the sporting arena, but how many Olympic Gold Medals have we achieved? Singapore, look to your choirs - we are already very famous and highly regarded amongst other nations, and are winning very high-level competitions on a regular basis. How come we are unknown in our own country?

partings

oof. it's always like this... i feel super lonely at the start of a new camp or school or year 'cos i don't mix with new pple well, and by the end of it i've gotten so attached to the friendships i've made that i can't bear to leave. heh

felt so horrible leaving the comm service group early (missing the last day 'cos of WCG 06). camps are one of those magical times amidst long periods of normal life... sure, you'll have precious memories of the fun times and great friendships and all, but after the camp, there's no going back to experience those times again... i have this huge fear of memories fading...

(anyway i'll be overseas from 22-27 july! gonna get the gold :))

hide me!! (long post - part 2!)

so my group went to PS for lunch and i somehow ended up at the far side of the quieter side of the table. well, didn't talk much so spent alot of time observing people (:))

the new way i've been seeing people is quite interesting haha... when i observe my mind gets an impression of where a person does his thinking. some people seem to do their thinking in front of their eyes. you can see him taking in his surroundings and forming his conclusions and replies the moment it hits them, and he either puts them aside or immediately makes a comment or something. then the other kind that does their thinking inside, behind their eyes. you can see her internalizing and thinking alot more, before she make a comment. it's like there's a range of points starting at a person's eyes and going inside and away from his head, and there's a certain point where a person does his thinking. no it's not supposed to be scientific or mystical or even physcial, it's just the way i visualize the way a person thinks from what i observe heh

so today, i was observing my groupmates... the type of mind i find really interesting is the kind that does its thinking deep in, because there's the hint of so much more to discover about the person. and there is a lot of beauty when you see a part of the mind peek out from inside, with a smile or a few words; as if a hidden treasure reveals itself, or a hidden burden is released.

yeah... heh... anyway, forget about this, and live in the illusion that i'm not *really* this odd. :)

hide me!! (long post - part 1!)

Urgh. First day in a uni comm service project thing, and am having "nice" reminders of how lousy i am at mixing with new people.

i mean, it was fun and most of the people were nice... but I really am not that good at popping my head into an ongoing conversation and joining it, or at striking a conversation with someone i hardly know. and when i DO do that, i always leave feeling horrible cos i think i made a bungling fool of myself. i know, i know, people don't think about other people as much as we usually think, but still...

funny eh? i like to think i understand people well, but i'm frightened (yes, frightened!) of meeting new people >_<

i might be imagining things but i sense alot of sensitivity abt BGR - it's as if the guys know that the girls know that most of the guys are just-out-of-army and super despo, so all conversation between opposite genders are a bit awkward. yeah yeah i think way too much...

the dark

the dark is a beast
hear the deep growl a baritone low
and his eyes a feral green

fight the dark
alone and scars of the past hurt so
face the urge to flee

away from it all
into your mind where safety flow
but stall the tears and see

it is in dark
and away from light's unchanging glow
that you remember how to weep

packing and being early

packing my room tonight... i'm armed with a handheld vacuum cleaner and boxes to keep stuff for storage or for throwing away heh. it's always hard for me to throw stuff away 'cos i wanna keep everything for memory... i get frightened at the thought of losing a beautiful memory - because it happens to me.

i know why people get married. it's because at some point we all realise we want to settle down, to be with someone we can trust completely, who trusts us completely. it's because we want a steadiness and certainty, because we realise we need something more than a friend we see occasionally.

i think i must be an early developer or something... i see so many of my friends flitting around life and friendships like butterflies. but for me... i don't remember a time i didn't long for stability. maybe all introverts are like this - finding more fulfillment in even just one wonderful soulmate than in 20 friends.

but what happens to a stability-seeker if he starts losing touch with his old wonderful friends?

*checks msn list again*

these are the last 2 lines of something i partially wrote in my head while in the loo... maybe i'll finish it someday:

wail for the night is against you
and time happens to us all

goodnight, world

It's raining my Sunday morning.

Good morning, little swallow, isn't roost-time over?
You're late for the flock.
Why the ruffled feathers and distant look?
Look at the day:

Oh, it's raining our Sunday morning.

Then, little swallow, won't you sing me a song?
As we shelter from the day.
A whistle of dismay and a chirrup of forgetting?
Remember we once loved the rain.

Look, it's raining my Sunday morning.

messy stuff

urgh. was reminded today of one reason i like being alone - i really don't really know how to handle other people. >.< what a mess...

so afraid to show i care...

that's a line from a Barbara Streisand song btw... "Tell Him". it's such an awesome song... probably the best non-Christian song i've ever heard. it's about an older woman telling a young woman in love to tell her man that she loves him.

reminds me of a book i'm reading now. the book is quite scary... it tries to tell women that if a guy doesn't call you, doesn't ask you out and doesn't sleep with you, you can be sure he doesn't like you and you should forget about him. like... huh?? i mean that would be true if all guys in the world are really confident and really extroverted... but there ARE guys in the world who don't immediately try to jump into a girl's life the moment they get a little interested in her... well. maybe it's just me... *shrug*

anyway, time to sleep, goodnight. :)

p.s. i know i know... i feel odd too... 2 days after i write a horribly sad entry i suddenly sound normal again. >_< dunno what's going on.

work, work

okie decided to post a bunch of pictures from Tecman tonight. after the meeting with the big shot yesterday, i originally wanted to blog about how much God has blessed the company because we always place Him first. i mean, i'm seeing how He makes things happen to move the company in a certain direction, without us even trying. and how we don't have to beg big companies to give us good deals... but instead they fly halfway across the world and offer us good deals. but anyway, here are the pictures...


my dad's birthday celebration! the staff bought him food and some little cakes

the store

thanks tua for the cake... it was amazing =)

working on wedding advertisements

i want this card for my wedding :)

another nice card

you know, i just re-watched the History of Tecman video i made for the opening ceremony. and one of the scenes i put in struck me. it was photograph of a verse. at the time i put it in as an pre-ending because the theme song came from that verse... but i had no idea God would use it to speak to me weeks later, right now.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his companssions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore i will wait for him."

I'm still feeling very sad, and yes, a single verse like this doesn not solve any problems on its own. But this simple thing shows me that through it all, i can rest, because someone up there knows what i'm going through. how things will work out, i don't know. but i know that i can simply rest... goodnight...

...

you know, right now, i'm actually happy that no one's reading my blog anymore. it means i have the freedom to write whatever's on my mind. by the time anyone reads this it'll probably be buried somewhere in my blog history. who am i writing to then? God, my laptop, my table, thin air... i dunno.

i've been so so sad these days. and i never told anyone... guess i've never liked to impose my problems on other people. why sad? it's funny because my daytimes are always cheery... today i had a very succesful business meeting with a big shot from a U.S. company... and i went to buy a little present for someone. that present was the high point of my day... there's something about giving gifts that i love. i love knowing that i've made someone happy, that i put a smile on someone's face, that i made someone's day, that i reminded someone that someone's thinking abt her or him.

but i always, always look forward to coming home and logging on to msn... because i'm so damn lonely.

haha i actually said that. but i guess it doesn't matter 'cos i'm the only one reading this blog nowadays. and no i'm not just saying that for sympathy. i really am the only one reading my blog nowadays. LOL i'm trying to convince a reader on a blog entry that i'm sure isn't going to be read.. anyway.

i've been so sad these days... and no one in the world knew, except for one person... i dunno if you're ever going to read this, but if you chance upon this entry one day... thank you, really thank you for your concern. and i'm sorry i never told you why i was sad. anyhow, here's the reason - i'm just so damn lonely.

i've had such dear friends in the past few years... but they're all... fading. one gets attached and the friendship fades from then on (i don't blame her). another one... God, i helped her through months and months of sadness!!!! and then when she's standing on her feet again, she moves on... and i'm left feeling used, and so tired, and painful - it's like an arm suddenly decided to rip itself off from my body (yes, J, this friend is the main reason why i'm sad... i'm sorry i didn't tell u when u asked...). and another dear dear friend, decided she wanted to move on, to explore... and others have gone overseas...

it feels like last new year's eve. you know how i spent it? i spent it huddled on the sofa in my room, listening to the little fountain outside my door, crying. because i knew that everyone else had their own friends to be with and here i was, at home, with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

i know why people cut themselves. it's to distract them from the pain in their hearts. because emotional pain cuts deeper than any flesh wound.

friends moving on... it's so painful. i know this is the age when people rediscover their need for excitement... partly cos they're back in school surrounded by other pple. and they move from exciting experience to exciting experience... but what happens to the people who just love simple constancy? who just want to spend a whole afternoon sitting on a bench by the beach, or the corner of a rooftop, or in a park, or on a balcona, just spending time with someone. who would much much rather have one friend who he trusts completely, who knows him like a sibling, than 100 so-called exciting friendships. it's painful... it's why i feel like i've been left trailing in the dust. my dearest friends have moved on to other experiences. and i'm left hanging on to the fading memories of the friendship...

right now... this is what life is like. i don't even cry anymore. at nights... i potter around the room... occassionally check my msn list... try to pack my room... get pissed at myself for numbly playing a game because i have nothing better to do... microwave a snack from the fridge... that's all. life's like that. it's been like this for some time. i don't know what's keeping me going.

forced laughter

so my parents are flying off to the USA for business stuff tomorrow morning...

so again it's just me, my furniture, the laptop, the memories corners i don't touch anymore, the stacks and stacks of books i don't read anymore, the half-packed boxes i stopped packing, the wardrobe of half-filled with clothing i don't wear, and the shadow beside me that has to leave when the lights go out.

ever thought about where you are now in life, and gotten angry at what got you to that place?

sigh wanted to rant more, but kept getting indecisive about how much i can type out here. and anyway my blog is becoming to sad a place already.... *forced laughter*

goodnight...

huddled and crying

Hey, friend, tear your eyes from the dazzling fireworks for a second. Ever noticed that old man sitting alone, huddled up by the tree? I see him there every New Year... Hey, are you listening to me? Ah, nevermind, nice fireworks.

how did YOU spend new year's eve?

into his eyes.

Glance, for once, beyond the shell, and onto the surface of his soul: do you see it? Weep, love, weep. For he is a man of sorrows and fears.

What did you see when you looked into his eyes?

He was the man in the rain, and the child as he cried; he was the woman who wept because she forgot. He was the youth in the room and the mother bruised; he was the father who kept it all inside.

What do you see?

Do you see the fist enclosing his heart, crushing him, tugging? Or the weights pulling him to the ground? Name them, name his adversaries, if you can. The man just calls them beautiful.

It's your turn now.

Ask him what he sees as the heart in his eyes looks into yours. Ask if you dare, my friend.

random thought!

This thought just popped into my head while i was showering. It's intriguing eh? Had me thinking for a bit.

Which is better? To be loved by someone you know, or to be known by someone you love?

perfectly fine...

you know what true hurt is? it's not when you cry because you feel the pain, it's not when you're sobbing and your friends can't console you, it's not when you do crazy things to get the painful something out of your system.

true hurt is when you seem perfectly fine to the people around you.

i'm actually laughing to myself now... it's so simple and so true... to me.

true hurt is when every single person you know thinks you're perfectly fine.