a... a... a... nevermind.

Ever had a thought like this? That your life would be very, very different if not for something?


hehe this pic is just here for fun... that's me with Uncle John (a close family friend) and my dad

For me it's stuttering. I actually thought of explaining here what causes stuttering, but nah, too technical =) Stutterers go through a lot of turmoil in something as simple as speaking... I don't think many normal people know this cos fluent speech comes so naturally to you guys.

It's a difficult, difficult condition to have... I don't know how to describe the anxiety and fears I've gone through as a stutterer. Looking at a person, knowing well that you are going to 'block' on the next word but just trying to say it because you have no choice, and seeing the person look quizzical, or lose interest, or turn away, or ask if you're ok, because your head is shaking in an effort to get the stupid word out... (btw - don't try to give a stutter stuttering advice unless you really know about the condition. i've really heard too much nonsense advice from laymen.)

But back to the point - I think my life would be very different without the stutter. I would've been alot more... up-in-front, go-getting, dynamic. instinctively I always want to break barriers of formality between me and superiors, or business relations. I think... I would've become one of those super-confident super-networking people. So often I've wanted to say or do something exciting but I force the desire down because I know I'll just disgrace myself by stuttering.

But well, looking back, no regrets, really. I'm glad I'm like this. It's still an instinct in me to want to be at the forefront, to be in the action (which explains why I always try to stand in the front row in choirs! haha), but sometimes there really is more depth behind the scenes... I think there's so much more beauty in a quiet, soft word than a loud, cheerful shout.

And there is something about silence. Sometimes silence carries more meaning than the most fluent of words. And sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to be quiet and simply listen.

Even in something as painful as stuttering, there's a beauty. :)