What a lovely term.

And so term one of my first year in school draws to a close. It's been wonderful :)

My funnny and crazy BGS classmates - it's nice to look back and see how worried I was on the first day of class, when I saw that I knew no one at all, and then seeing the situation now and how I've made a whole bunch of friends.



One bunch of friends: my BGS group! Funny bunch. Yes we had some spectacular debates but I love you all nonetheless lol. This was at my place working on our project!



And you know you're studying too hard when you start writing rubbish in your answers. I mean, I don't even like durians!



Talking about friends, here's a lovely pic. Looks drama :)



This term I also rediscovered my joy for cooking haha... Made this for my BGS group. Basically bell peppers and chicken in white cheesy goo. Oh also made a red goo version of it. Oh and tea eggs! :D



Also, the little joys in life that make me smile:





All in all, an amazing term. As always, it's not what I've done, or what's happened to me; it's the people: the friends I've made, the spending time, the mutual support, the I'll-be-there. That's what really matters.

What a lovely term.

Picture Story 1: The Hunt for the Yam Pau!

So it was that my stomach began crying out for yam paus. The delicious cute purple things just consumed thoughts as we were studying in a (rather empty) GSR.



The school is rather empty on Sunday evenings. We walked down empty (but beautiful) corridors,



stopped to enjoy the view,



and finally saw our destination! The treasured haunt of cute yam paus:



a Little Store filled with Little Treasures just past the kopi tiam :)



My heart skipped a beat as I spied the cute little purple things, just waiting to be enjoyed.



There was, of course, the obligatory Coke Light :)



Finally, our treasure is back where it belongs, in our GSR, sitting cutely.



*enjoyment*

Loveliness and Mundanity

Ever felt like you can't truly enjoy a lovely situation in your life because it is just too fragile? Like there are so many things that could happen that would tip the balance towards mundanity again?

It's a painful thought: that I have ever slipped from a meaningless life, to an amazing life, and back to a meaningless life, so, it just might happen again. I know how much losing a friend can hurt, and I know how much losing a dream can hurt, and the mere memory of the pain can bring back tears.

But still, would I rather have love and lost love, or not to have loved at all?

Unforgiving Light

Forget the pain of waking,
Forget the glaring light,
Forget the river that we’ll cross,
When it comes in sight.

Forget that I am dreaming,
Forget my daily fight,
Forget to wake me from my slumber,
To unforgiving light.

Unshowing

Behold            The lady
And not            Just her; see
The whirlwind            The lights
Come            They stir

Kingdoms            And princes
Events            Revolve; round the
Woman            All white
Dissolve            Resolve

In step            Each beat
A glance            A pose; like a
Dance            Around
A still            Still rose

She glides            They follow
Perhaps            She knows; yet a
Veil            Surrounds
Her eyes            Are closed

They follow            They flow
She glides            Unknowing; in the
Eye            Of the storm
She knows            Unshowing

Confused

So I started taking life at face value, and all it inevitably led me to talking more nonsense, and doing more nonsense. Normally this is fine, I mean, I was usually a very random person in the army and had a lot of fun being an enthusiastically crazy guy who gets things done nonetheless. But... Guess I have to remember that some people do not take nonsense at face value, especially when that nonsense is about sensitive stuff.

Sorry, I'm finding this seriously ironic. But as usual, I rather blame myself. heh.

(oh! must post the story I wrote about the war of the cows! :))

a love quiz!

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Physical Touch:		9
Words of Affirmation:		6
Receiving Gifts:		3
Acts of Service:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Hehe it's quite accurate

Chapter 10: The End of the Journey of the Jewel

And the minstrels sang in the vast Hall of the High King as the Exile strode, clad in a garment of gold and blue, the jewel resting by a light chain on his breast. Legions of knights saluted crisply and guests from all the known nations rose as the Man with the Jewel reached the foot of the silver throne.

The Exile drew his new sword - etched with flowing runes, Elvish on the left, Dwarven on the right - and swiftly raised the jeweled hilt to his Lord. Sunlight streaming from the high windows that flanked the throne caught on the hilt's faceted ruby and the light split as with the sword itself into rainbows that danced through the room like beautiful maidens called to proclaim joy on the day of the Exile's return.

Now the aged king rose. Flowing silk garment resting like a sigh on his aged frame and a coronet like a string of gems encircling his wizened brow, he was the embodiment of majesty, and as he stepped towards the exile and gazed into his eyes it was not a man gazing, but a kingdom.

"Well done, Bringer of the Jewel."

The voice of the High King, steeped in the wisdom of age and nobility, and clear as the water of the rivers in his land, echoed in the hall like a ringing bell, or the summons of a kindly master of his faithful servant. Few of those present were unaware that they may never hear that voice again, fewer still unaware that they may never see the exile again, but years later it would be said that not one man left the hall without tears in his eyes.

friendship-changing!

Which is worse, to believe that there are flying pink elephants outside your window, or to believe that your friend actually believes that there are flying pink elephants outside your window?

Had an friendship-changing (if not life-changing!) experience today that made me realise just how superbly gullible and stubborn I am, and how things can be so complex that it may be better not to think so much! :)

Talk about turning points in a friendship...

you're welcome

you're welcome, and this really warmed my heart :)

La Salsa!

hehe... no pictures of us dancing tho... should've taken out my camera earlier! :D

To Know Who's Real

To know who's real, who's insincere
To know who tells you without fear,
"Take comfort in the shadow of my dream, dear,
Come rest within the shadow of my dream."

Salsa addiction!

Oh my... Union Sq outing with Candice, Marie, Deb and Vincent was amazing!

Over 2.5 hours of dancing... For the first time we could actually dance there and feel like we could dance well! :)

Ms Chua - I think we make a great team! 8 months, 8 months :D

Retro-ness!

Ok so i finally figured out how to use this :)

ASOC DAY 2006! Retro! :)

btw this one only lets me create 'linear' slideshows... can anyone recommend me a better one with more options? thanks!

Enough

Ever looked at something in your life and told yourself, "enough... enough."?

romance is like dance...

romance is like dance...

and the dance for the moment is the salsa.

flashy, fast, sometimes sensual, always energetic. it blooms fast, and ends abruptly, and everyone in the dance knows that it is not for keeps. that over the hill is another partner, another flame. that at its core, it's for fun.

sounds like how people nowadays view relationships. that it's all for fun, that it doesn't matter if it ends, that it's perfectly fine to chase someone you don't know, that it's perfectly fine not to mean what you say.

i'm beginning to think i was born in the wrong era, or that i'm an old retro freak trapped in this body, or that i'm just weird, or that i'm just longing for more mature friends, or something.

and i'm beginning to think, once more, that in romance, a form of injustice reigns in that it is not the good men who get what they want, but that it is the shameless, shallow, and just desperate men who do so.

how has romance become a race instead of a journey? what happens to those who prefer a pleasant walk?

i'm tired, goodnight.

To Soar The Darkest Skies And Fly

I've seen you weeping, dear troubled one:
Your tears of dark and the tremors of night.
Dear, as we wait for the rising sun,
I will be with you and starry light.

Gentle words when your sobbing starts:
And a shoulder, a hand, and some warmth for a friend.
I'll speak of this, that in your precious heart,
Where all have failed, dear, I've seen a gem.

    And even though you fear and sigh
    I'll wipe away the tears you cry
    And then you'll know that deep inside,
    You soar the darkest skies and fly

For around you may gather a blinding storm
And you see up ahead only uncertain ways
But cherish these words, before your mourn:
It's who you are that will keep you safe.

For who you are is your light, your day;
And who you are is your final say.
For Who you're in has died to pay,
And who you are will lead the way

    And even though you fear and sigh
    He'll wipe away the tears you cry
    And then you'll know that deep inside,
    You soar the darkest skies and fly

    So even though you fear and sigh
    I'll wipe away the tears you cry
    And then we'll know that deep inside,
    We soar the darkest skies and fly

    And then we'll know that deep inside,
    We soar the darkest skies and fly

Hey hope you're ok with me borrowing the line "To soar the darkest skies" from you to use as the theme in my poem... I think it's a really amazing phrase :)

if i hold you like that

it's been a while since i last felt this emotional - and all it took was a beautiful, beautiful song, and a short video clip that reminded me of a chapter of my life now closed.

you know what the poets mean when they talk about beautiful sadness? some feelings are so difficult to express; that's why we find so much joy when we find someone who truly understands.

On Love

I just realised something funny about myself: that i find it difficult hanging around pretty ladies, because i always get mad when i see men trying to hit on them. Not mad out of jealousy (as if i own every lady i happen to be hanging out with), but mad because i have very strong feelings against men who hit on girls just because they are pretty.

Ok, I know that ladies know that such a man is probably just playing, and I know that most ladies can tell whether or not a man is at least a good person or not, but it doesn't stop me from having a huge disrespect for men who, instead of respecting women as real human beings with real feelings and emotions, selfishly choose to follow their own desires and hit on women out of their own lust and pride.

Women are not toys; women's feelings are not meant to be played with. Sure, they know you're playing, and they might even play along. But you should know better. Love her, love her enough to be able to do things at the expense of your own desires, even if it means not chasing right now, even if it means letting go.

We men have hurt too many women already.

funny quote #2

"You're not really a guy so you're off the hook."

_________

p.s. tango, salsa, cha-cha and rumba are awesome, dancing them all at one bar is more awesome, and having someone teach you new salsa steps is even more awesome... it's been a full day. full of high highs and low lows. fullness...

Something About Her Eyes

Gaze: like pools of the night that shimmer with the radiance of the depths of the seas. See this - a lake, serene, undisturbed, and the glow of the stars that dance with that joyous beauty and a glance, for longer did I try to break the stillness, but it was peace.

Peace: Old age, it smiles and knows, it understands, that this is the play of the two young lovers who waltz across the creaking floorboards, see the old chandelier, see the rusted chains. Change - Old's heart feels, he was there before, he cannot return, the young are hasty and Old is silent, with a knowing smile.

Smile: Wave gold, bright yellow, glad orange, and a warmth that embraces like a mother comforting her weeping son, or a light, a mere lamp, that drives the dark back to its conspiratous corner, this flame. Same - for each glow I see, my heart glows in me, now come, a life in this life.

Life: too fast to love, she revolves like the wind, the pantomime ball we see for moment, fleeting mask. Masks - overwhelm, overfast, and strings or the brass or the beat of the drum and we step and each step and we walk and we change the moment we can hide behind these guises for it is only behind a mask that some find rest.

Rest: for all guises must come to their end and perhaps, again, we shall gaze.

funny quote #1

"You act like i don't have pet leopards."

___

p.s. oh my gosh tango is awesome!

what's the point of being caring if

sigh, to me there are few sights in the world more heartbreaking than a crying person.

i saw a girl crying in school from a distance today. my heart told me to go to her, ask her what's wrong, see how i can help, offer some tissue... but then i thought, won't she feel super paiseh? won't i look like i'm trying to take advantage of the situation?

so this is me, i guess: a caring person who's afraid to show it.

then what's the point of being caring, sam? what's the poin of being caring if you're too caring to show it?

edit: dammit i'm so pissed with myself. you know how it feels like to care but not know how to show it? feels chao horrible.

The Fair Boy

It's been a while since I've written a story. And since I'm kinda free at the moment - drinking some chicken soup I just boiled, let's create one now, shall we? :)

Let us weave a story about wisdom. Perhaps we can start with a protangonist? A boy - young, fair and golden-haired, with the most piercing eyes any person will ever see; add a dramatic catchline: "his glance alone has caused kingdoms to fall". A name? No, names come at the end when all is over, for names speak of creation, and making speaks of ending.

Look into her eyes:
What did I see?
The brightest star
And the furthest sea.

Give the Fair Boy character - shall we say fickle, uncaring? Add disrespectful and unwise. Make him a Boy that has broken too many hearts, yet make him someone many have sought and found. For he is the ultimate prize, and yet a villain.

Her eyes that are closed:
What can they see?
Nor knife nor life
Nor fear in me.

But obviously we can't leave it at that. Give the Boy depth. Make our protangonist misunderstood - give him a precious heart of gold and yet weave a story of hatred, jealousy, anger, betrayal - engulf him like a blazing sandstorm; clad him in thorns and spikes; banish him from the town and city. Make him someone only perceived to be evil; make him sought after - and thus make him difficult to find, because it will be those that seek him that do not understand.

I stand on the heights:
Can you not see?
A fall, an arrest,
And then I'll be free.

And there in the fabric of our story we see the thread of wisdom. We have our quest and its prize, the boy, and we have the obligatory pitfalls of the journey. Now have it dictated on her own thread that wisdom is what will guide the questers, that wisdom is what will help them see beyond their warped perceptions, into the golden heart of the Fair Boy. And have it dictated that wisdom is what will keep them on the journey when their quest have seemed to have failed, or when, once again, they are blinded and see the Fair Boy as a villain instead of the prize he truly is, for it is wisdom that opens hearts.

Free as a bird:
Yet I did not see
That besides the plunge,
There was hope for me.

Now at the end of all things give the boy a name. Call him Love.

been a while since i've felt that way

mmm, just back from a night with 2 of my dearest friends

you know those friends you've been with through so many ups and downs? friends you can totally be yourself with? friends who've seen so many sides of you?

the friends you've cried with and laughed with, friends who've helped you through life-changing times, friends you know will always be there for you, and friends for whom you've always been there...

after dinner z!ng told me that i looked like there was so much more i wanted to say... yeah, it's been a while since i've felt that way.

:)

p.s. on another note, i've decided to be evil and mysteriously tell all you people who are revelling in spreading the scandal, that you all have no clue at all :)

hehe

and introvert who enjoys company

when was the last time you felt lonely?

felt it just yesterday. i think i'm not used to studying at home anymore. when i'm in the library there's the hustle and bustle and background stuff going on, and there's the chance to find fellow school-studyers to talk to. but at home it's like. just me and my room. and anyway i keep getting distracted by the fridge.

strange huh? i'm someone who likes being alone, but i don't like to be alone :) an introvert who enjoys company. and did i mention i'm proud to be an introvert?

:D

looking up =)

got in to the semifinals of this singing competition in school :) sang a nice duet with d@wny =) i thought it wasn't that great 'cos i was nervous and zao xia-ed tho... *shrug*

and i've a little more motivation in the bowling department now that i know i can actually bowl decently using the spinner style :) too bad the bowling clinic is gonna end soon...

and first time at salsa clubs tonight! didn't dance much 'cos everyone else looked so pro and i didn't really feel like being an eyesore on the dance floor for everyone else considering that i've only had 2hrs worth of lessons. but looking at the gorgeous moves really made me wanna learn it well :) wednesday classes with the cousin (sorry i got so lost tonight!) and friday classes with the school :)

i wonder what other wonders tomorrow's archery class will bring :)

and all this is just in the CCAs department... we haven't started talking about studies, or the friends i've made...

life's been great... *restful joy*

forgetting...

ever felt that things would be easier if you could just forget everything?

going back...

"i am strong when i am on your shoulders"

it's been a while...

to put a smile on a face

just a thought: isn't it nice to know you made someone happy? i always feel really glad when i know i put a smile on someone's face by helping or just doing something nice for the person. it's a nice feeling... and i think i'm addicted to it. :D

just a little lonely

it's a little lonely at home tonight: my mom's overseas and my dad's still at work... i guess after 2 weeks of studying in the school library till late 'cos of my spoilt modem, i'm a little unused to being at home.

i think i'm gonna miss my mom alot. she's such a nice person to talk to and share with, we can talk about anything - from my life in smu, to advice for finding a wife (lol :D), to the business, to what's going on in her church, to things happening in the family. these three weeks without my mom is gonna be a bit sadder...

hmmm ok i've been lazing too much (and eating way too much) this evening. let's see: schedule for the rest of the night... readings, homework, 11.5km run, miscellaneous stuff on my to-do list... hope i can sleep early tonight lol

:)

friendship

there's something beautiful about friendship...

it can last through problems and trials, it is the acid test and the basis... give me a scandal or two, an attachment or breakup, and parties willing, friendship will endure. :)

i think it's so sad how many guys today see a pretty girl and start chasing her immediately. sometimes wonder if i'm the only guy left in the world who believes in taking time to get to know a person... it's just instinctive for me to take a step back, to wander to the sidelines when things get too complicated, and wait patiently for the situation to right itself. i'd rather fade into the background than compete for someone's attention...

i used to wonder if it was something wrong with me. maybe i'm not courageous enough, maybe i'm not thick-skinned enough to play the game... but i've slowly been realising that it's ok :) a friend just told me that that's one thing that makes me stand out from the rest. well... i guess. anyway i'm glad to be who i am :)

another thing...

you know, i just got back from a 3-day trekking trip that was really emotional, full of ups and downs and new people and experiences. but the most touching thing i experienced this weekend was a simple chat message i just received from a wonderful friend, thanking me for being someone she can really trust. you know how much that means to me? it means more than what tangible wealth can buy, it means more than these little emotional mini roller-coasters i've been in, it means the world to me, maybe more... just like our friendship means so much to me too :) thank you for everything... :)

goodnight

100th :)

the unknown beach :)

few things are nicer than lying on the beach with a friend... and talking for hours...



thanks... :)

hmmm my 100th post is coming up soon. wonder what i'll write... another story? or an update on how my life has been? i realise i haven't been recording all these wonderful times i've been having these few weeks... hmmm time to start writing in my journal again maybe :)

what's my perfect major? :D

cute "what is your perfect major" quiz!

You scored as Mathematics. You should be a Math major! Like Pythagoras, you are analytical, rational, and when are always ready to tackle the problem head-on! Mathematics 92% Journalism 75% Linguistics 67% Dance 67% Art 67% Philosophy 67% Psychology 58% English 58% Engineering 42% Theater 25% Anthropology 17% Sociology 17% Chemistry 8% Biology 0% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

lol... chemistry and biology are my last 2....

agony and ecstacy

2005: 2hrs 33mins
2006: 2hrs 10mins

:)

hmmm i wonder what i should do next... look out for a (mini) triathlon? the full marathon in december? a shift to strength training?

on games and friends and contradictoriness

just writing some stuff on my mind while taking a break from studying :)hmmm i haven't written a poem or story for some time... well maybe another time :)

so I've uninstalled all the games from my laptop because I got sick of killing some random shapes on the screen instead of doing other important stuff - stuff like studying, chatting online with friends... *real life* stuff.

but it got me thinking... i think we guys play games because there is not enough in real life, because a world inside the computer can be more interesting and fun.

real life... what makes real life real to you?

for me, it's the friendships, people, relationships that are so dear. it's interesting... i'm an introvert that likes to live inside my own mind, but i often find myself crying out for a close friend or two. i'm an introvert that doesn't like being alone :) i'm a telephonophobic that loves talking to close friends, i'm afraid of crowds and noises but i want to spend time with people.

yes, it's difficult to balance...

talking about the telephone, yeah i have a slight phobia of it - ask me why another time heh... and it's difficult because i love talking to close friends, and my net connection has been so bad that chatting online can be difficult. i can want to talk to someone badly, but take very very long, or never, to get down to calling the person.

yup, i'm kinda contradictory :)

ever felt like there's so much more you want to write but didn't have the words for it? goodnight...

friendships and friend

sometimes friendships are like MSN convoes... you're forced to choose who to chat with because there's no way you can keep up meaningful conversations with ten people at the same time. and for the first time in a long time, you're feeling sad that you have to give up time for certain friends, to be with other friends.

you know what's nice? spending a whole day with a friend. even if it's spent running around school, nearly falling asleep listening to ipod music while waiting for your laptop to be upgraded, 'finding' the wrong room, tripping over my own foot and nearly crashing into the railing, what really makes a day magical is the friend you spend it with.

:)

stutterer starts school

i received a package from uchicago two days ago. one of the admin departments must have forgotten that i've turned their offer down, and sent me a big "welcome" package... i made me feel emotional - full of memories. this year has been a long, convulated, tear-stained route to where i am now...

i guess i should be afraid right now. tomorrow's the start of the the term of a school that emphasizes speaking, and working on projects with complete strangers... talking was never my forte. i know that my life would have been very, very different were i not a stutterer, but nevertheless here i am now, scarred by the embarrassments of the past, but still content with who i am.

but strangely i'm not that afraid; i'm looking forward to it, in fact... i don't really know why, yet :)

yesterday's convo was so full of LIFE. it was like a showcase of the talents of the senior students... if i took away anything from it, it would be that i want my life in uni to be full - i want to DO things, to experience things i've never done before, and to do stuff i've always wanted to do. i want to make great, lasting friendships that go beyond work and CCAs...

look at this life: studious prefect in primary school (i can't even remember what CCA i was in then), just plain weird in lower secondary (some of you may know the story), studious top-of-the-class chess club member in upper secondary... at least things got a lot better in JC - it was then that i found my closest friends and made the most of what talents if have :)

how will uni life be like? i don't know, and i'm leaving it to God. i'm really happy in fact. somehow i've been kind of simply drifting along when it comes to university stuff... things always work out for our good...

where will i be four years from now...? we'll see.

a people ruled by love

i want to be a loving person :)

so i was really, really sleepy during bible study tonight 'cos i only slept for 1 hour the night before. the sermon was really good and really deep, but it was some stuff pastor mentioned towards the end that got me moved:

that christians should be a people ruled by love.

if you take a step back and look into the heart of the matter you'll realise that all the petty quarrels and striving to be the best and trying to elevate oneself above another are so meaningless, and that there is so much more joy to be found in living in love. not that i've achieved it, but it's a truth i sometimes forget.

Dear God, mould me into a loving person :)

wishing you bluebirds...

my heart has been saying goodbye alot...

one of the biggest dreams i've had has passed on, and i find my heart shielding itself from the memory of the dream whenever it crosses my mind. it's as if my heart can't take the pain of losing it.

and that's just dreams - friendships are even more precious, and it's these weeks, months, years, when friends fly off or change school or move on, and new cliques are formed.

sure, change is inevitable. i'm experiencing that, too: a whole new dream, new experiences, wonderful new groups of friends. but something has been striking me a lot these weeks: that the old matters so much more.

what is the point of making a new friend if i have to do it at the expense of an old one?

and when was the last time you felt lonely while spending time with friends you thought were close?

come walk with me...

really, the world's moving fast enough already, we don't have to contribute more to its speed :)

yknow it's such a blessing to realise that it's perfectly ok to go through life at your own pace. it's too easy to look at the pace of the rest of the world and wonder why you're lagging behind, but really, there's no point trying to follow others when it's not 'you'...

went out with a dear friend today for the first time in months... it's so nice to meet an old friend and finding that you two can still click very well after all that time :) oh and the movie "Click" joined the list of movies that have made me cry... very touching movie.

someday i'll fly away...

ever sat down and told yourself that there is something deeply wrong with the world?

ever felt your mind brimming with too much, too compicated, too deep thoughts that you feel the only way to share what you feel is by literally connecting your mind with someone else?

and deeper than all this lies the paradox: there is so much depth inside that cannot be expressed, that causes so much turbulence and turmoil, and often worry and pain; but i would not give up a mind like this for the world.

while you have your exciting, crazy, adventurous life, i have the depths of my mind to plunge in and explore and mull.

recently i've had a strong, strong, feeling of inadequacy. but who cares? i know.

when you're so glad you stayed to chat...

so i took 4 hours to pack for tomorrow's camp because i was chatting with people online. no regrets at all.

"sam, no sorrys btw friends." thanks... this meant so much. when you know you have a friend that accepts you, and is willing to listen even when all you're doing is faxie-ing. and after a pretty emotional evening on msn, chatting with lots of people about alot of complicated / exciting / emotional stuff, this one line just reminded me that in the end, real friendship is so steadfast and strong and accepting. real friendship is one of the things in the world that doesn't die easily...

the other things is something a friend helped me remember - something i've always known but have forgotten: "i'd rather take my time to get to know someone than rush into something just because everyone's rushing." it's so true. why rush just because everyone's rushing too? the Christian life is all about relaxing in His peace. :)

you know what? i'm missing so many people. it's a bittersweet feeling... and strange too, that i can be in the same country as a friend but feel like i'm on the other side of the world... things are changing, my heart.

*off to camp for the next 3 days... goodnight*

dreamy islands...

fun times...










so tell me:

what happens in the real life between magical moments? the times you don't see in movies - when the hero is brushing his teeth, or sitting in front of his laptop checking his e-mail. in a life that has almost forgotten the magic of beautiful memories, wonderful moments can seem so much more real. they are like treasure islands scattered throughout a huge ocean, and it is all you can do to keep yourself from doing nothing but swimming, swimming, and looking, doing nothing but seeking the next shore.

it's scary.

don't know much

ever experienced this? you're listening to an album and then a song starts playing... and the moment you hear the intro you start crying because you remember the song - it's a song you used to love so much, long ago, maybe too long ago, because you've forgotten how beautiful it is until now.

maybe it's true - some dear things can be forgotten, given time. but somewhere, deep down, the feelings remain, waiting. it only takes a spark to kindle the largest fire.

and more changes...

hey... sorry i changed my blog address so suddenly... i had certain good reasons for doing it, and also could you guys not link my blog? given the nature of some of my entries, i think i should make it a bit more private :)

so life has been really interesting these days... back-to-back overseas trip and 2 camps, and spent the last 3 days going out with acct camp groupmates. it's nice how in just 2 weeks i've already found a bunch of great friends. :)

so I've decided to join this dance club in school wtih some friends haha... salsa here we come! also just had an audition for a musical in september.

suddenly life feels... full. know what i mean? not just more things to do, but more things to think about, more emotions to feel, more problems to weather, more things to learn about myself and others, more loved ones to care about. hm. only the first day since monday that i'm not meeting those coursemates, and i'm already missing them.

not that i'll forget all my old friends (ie you!). you probably know that i have a bad memory, but it's really not bad - it's very selective. there are some people i know i may never forgot, and you're probably one of them.
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a quiz from someone's blog :)

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		8
Words of Affirmation:		5
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz
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Despair

Despair is the heart of the man who painted his room the colour of the night, who nailed the door shut and barred the windows. It is the fist that grips the same man's heart as he sits on the dark marble tiles, trembling, as he stares into the darkness, neither crying nor remembering.

Despair is the cruel star that winked on the young man who was just passing by, who left his heart on this beach years ago. It is in the hot tears that creep down his cheek as he sits and remembers and knows that those friends and memories are fading; the starlight splits into a mocking kaleidoscope in his red eyes.

Despair is hands of the counsellor who goes home, every night, to a lonely flat. The same hands that cradles her tired head as she stares at the telephone, hands that now slowly dial a random number, because she just needs to hear a voice, any voice; her mind wanders to thick length of rope she bought years ago.

Despair is the lips of the man who lies whenever a friend asks how he is, saying that he is fine, diverting the topic from anything to do with the burdens that weigh down his every step, every word. It is the same lips that tastes the salt of his tears as he cries in the dark at night, the lips that does not know how to express itself.

Despair is the unspoken and unheard, it is the dark beyond the stars that ends all light, it is the gleaming end of the sharpest edge of a merciful knife. Despair is before hope, and after hope, it is constancy and uniformity, the unbroken run of a predator hunting its prey to its inevitable end.

Despair is the deepest depth, the most blinding blackness, the friend you once had, the hope you once cradled, the life you thought you remembered, the years that you wasted, the tears that went unseen, the hugs you will never give again, the kisses you will never have again, the flowers that wilted, the sea of a drowning man and the forgiving noose. Despair is itself, and it is strong.

is it just me?

deleted - i really need to remember never to post stuff when i'm down and sleepy...

top of the world

I wonder why so few people are joining victoria chorale after VJ Choir. Ask yourself something: do you really want to look back one day and wish that you were in stage singing instead of watching in the audience? I know there are some of you who are truly passionate about choral music but not in chorale because your friends aren't there. Ever realised that everyone else is probably thinking that way? It only takes a spark to start a huge fire.

Anyway, I'm back from the 4th World Choir Games :) VC's results:

Category 1: Musica Sacra A Capella - Category Winners (ie. top of the world)
Category 2: Contemporary Music - Gold Medal

As usual I'm a bit sad that there is so little knowledge about this, and so little coverage by the Singapore press. Do you know how big a deal it is to top the whole world for Sacred Music A Capella? It is equivalent to a Singaporean runner competing against running powerhouses like the USA and Africa, and beating them flat. And do you know how it feels to see your Singapore flag fly high, and to see people from all over the world in a grand hall stand up to pay respect to your flag while you stand on stage and sing your national anthemn? Or to see foreigners come up to you and say "Wow, you're the choir from Singapore! You are really very very good! Can I have your autograph?"




Singapore is trying so hard to put its mark in the sporting arena, but how many Olympic Gold Medals have we achieved? Singapore, look to your choirs - we are already very famous and highly regarded amongst other nations, and are winning very high-level competitions on a regular basis. How come we are unknown in our own country?

partings

oof. it's always like this... i feel super lonely at the start of a new camp or school or year 'cos i don't mix with new pple well, and by the end of it i've gotten so attached to the friendships i've made that i can't bear to leave. heh

felt so horrible leaving the comm service group early (missing the last day 'cos of WCG 06). camps are one of those magical times amidst long periods of normal life... sure, you'll have precious memories of the fun times and great friendships and all, but after the camp, there's no going back to experience those times again... i have this huge fear of memories fading...

(anyway i'll be overseas from 22-27 july! gonna get the gold :))

hide me!! (long post - part 2!)

so my group went to PS for lunch and i somehow ended up at the far side of the quieter side of the table. well, didn't talk much so spent alot of time observing people (:))

the new way i've been seeing people is quite interesting haha... when i observe my mind gets an impression of where a person does his thinking. some people seem to do their thinking in front of their eyes. you can see him taking in his surroundings and forming his conclusions and replies the moment it hits them, and he either puts them aside or immediately makes a comment or something. then the other kind that does their thinking inside, behind their eyes. you can see her internalizing and thinking alot more, before she make a comment. it's like there's a range of points starting at a person's eyes and going inside and away from his head, and there's a certain point where a person does his thinking. no it's not supposed to be scientific or mystical or even physcial, it's just the way i visualize the way a person thinks from what i observe heh

so today, i was observing my groupmates... the type of mind i find really interesting is the kind that does its thinking deep in, because there's the hint of so much more to discover about the person. and there is a lot of beauty when you see a part of the mind peek out from inside, with a smile or a few words; as if a hidden treasure reveals itself, or a hidden burden is released.

yeah... heh... anyway, forget about this, and live in the illusion that i'm not *really* this odd. :)

hide me!! (long post - part 1!)

Urgh. First day in a uni comm service project thing, and am having "nice" reminders of how lousy i am at mixing with new people.

i mean, it was fun and most of the people were nice... but I really am not that good at popping my head into an ongoing conversation and joining it, or at striking a conversation with someone i hardly know. and when i DO do that, i always leave feeling horrible cos i think i made a bungling fool of myself. i know, i know, people don't think about other people as much as we usually think, but still...

funny eh? i like to think i understand people well, but i'm frightened (yes, frightened!) of meeting new people >_<

i might be imagining things but i sense alot of sensitivity abt BGR - it's as if the guys know that the girls know that most of the guys are just-out-of-army and super despo, so all conversation between opposite genders are a bit awkward. yeah yeah i think way too much...

the dark

the dark is a beast
hear the deep growl a baritone low
and his eyes a feral green

fight the dark
alone and scars of the past hurt so
face the urge to flee

away from it all
into your mind where safety flow
but stall the tears and see

it is in dark
and away from light's unchanging glow
that you remember how to weep

packing and being early

packing my room tonight... i'm armed with a handheld vacuum cleaner and boxes to keep stuff for storage or for throwing away heh. it's always hard for me to throw stuff away 'cos i wanna keep everything for memory... i get frightened at the thought of losing a beautiful memory - because it happens to me.

i know why people get married. it's because at some point we all realise we want to settle down, to be with someone we can trust completely, who trusts us completely. it's because we want a steadiness and certainty, because we realise we need something more than a friend we see occasionally.

i think i must be an early developer or something... i see so many of my friends flitting around life and friendships like butterflies. but for me... i don't remember a time i didn't long for stability. maybe all introverts are like this - finding more fulfillment in even just one wonderful soulmate than in 20 friends.

but what happens to a stability-seeker if he starts losing touch with his old wonderful friends?

*checks msn list again*

these are the last 2 lines of something i partially wrote in my head while in the loo... maybe i'll finish it someday:

wail for the night is against you
and time happens to us all

goodnight, world

It's raining my Sunday morning.

Good morning, little swallow, isn't roost-time over?
You're late for the flock.
Why the ruffled feathers and distant look?
Look at the day:

Oh, it's raining our Sunday morning.

Then, little swallow, won't you sing me a song?
As we shelter from the day.
A whistle of dismay and a chirrup of forgetting?
Remember we once loved the rain.

Look, it's raining my Sunday morning.

messy stuff

urgh. was reminded today of one reason i like being alone - i really don't really know how to handle other people. >.< what a mess...

so afraid to show i care...

that's a line from a Barbara Streisand song btw... "Tell Him". it's such an awesome song... probably the best non-Christian song i've ever heard. it's about an older woman telling a young woman in love to tell her man that she loves him.

reminds me of a book i'm reading now. the book is quite scary... it tries to tell women that if a guy doesn't call you, doesn't ask you out and doesn't sleep with you, you can be sure he doesn't like you and you should forget about him. like... huh?? i mean that would be true if all guys in the world are really confident and really extroverted... but there ARE guys in the world who don't immediately try to jump into a girl's life the moment they get a little interested in her... well. maybe it's just me... *shrug*

anyway, time to sleep, goodnight. :)

p.s. i know i know... i feel odd too... 2 days after i write a horribly sad entry i suddenly sound normal again. >_< dunno what's going on.

work, work

okie decided to post a bunch of pictures from Tecman tonight. after the meeting with the big shot yesterday, i originally wanted to blog about how much God has blessed the company because we always place Him first. i mean, i'm seeing how He makes things happen to move the company in a certain direction, without us even trying. and how we don't have to beg big companies to give us good deals... but instead they fly halfway across the world and offer us good deals. but anyway, here are the pictures...


my dad's birthday celebration! the staff bought him food and some little cakes

the store

thanks tua for the cake... it was amazing =)

working on wedding advertisements

i want this card for my wedding :)

another nice card

you know, i just re-watched the History of Tecman video i made for the opening ceremony. and one of the scenes i put in struck me. it was photograph of a verse. at the time i put it in as an pre-ending because the theme song came from that verse... but i had no idea God would use it to speak to me weeks later, right now.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his companssions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore i will wait for him."

I'm still feeling very sad, and yes, a single verse like this doesn not solve any problems on its own. But this simple thing shows me that through it all, i can rest, because someone up there knows what i'm going through. how things will work out, i don't know. but i know that i can simply rest... goodnight...

...

you know, right now, i'm actually happy that no one's reading my blog anymore. it means i have the freedom to write whatever's on my mind. by the time anyone reads this it'll probably be buried somewhere in my blog history. who am i writing to then? God, my laptop, my table, thin air... i dunno.

i've been so so sad these days. and i never told anyone... guess i've never liked to impose my problems on other people. why sad? it's funny because my daytimes are always cheery... today i had a very succesful business meeting with a big shot from a U.S. company... and i went to buy a little present for someone. that present was the high point of my day... there's something about giving gifts that i love. i love knowing that i've made someone happy, that i put a smile on someone's face, that i made someone's day, that i reminded someone that someone's thinking abt her or him.

but i always, always look forward to coming home and logging on to msn... because i'm so damn lonely.

haha i actually said that. but i guess it doesn't matter 'cos i'm the only one reading this blog nowadays. and no i'm not just saying that for sympathy. i really am the only one reading my blog nowadays. LOL i'm trying to convince a reader on a blog entry that i'm sure isn't going to be read.. anyway.

i've been so sad these days... and no one in the world knew, except for one person... i dunno if you're ever going to read this, but if you chance upon this entry one day... thank you, really thank you for your concern. and i'm sorry i never told you why i was sad. anyhow, here's the reason - i'm just so damn lonely.

i've had such dear friends in the past few years... but they're all... fading. one gets attached and the friendship fades from then on (i don't blame her). another one... God, i helped her through months and months of sadness!!!! and then when she's standing on her feet again, she moves on... and i'm left feeling used, and so tired, and painful - it's like an arm suddenly decided to rip itself off from my body (yes, J, this friend is the main reason why i'm sad... i'm sorry i didn't tell u when u asked...). and another dear dear friend, decided she wanted to move on, to explore... and others have gone overseas...

it feels like last new year's eve. you know how i spent it? i spent it huddled on the sofa in my room, listening to the little fountain outside my door, crying. because i knew that everyone else had their own friends to be with and here i was, at home, with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

i know why people cut themselves. it's to distract them from the pain in their hearts. because emotional pain cuts deeper than any flesh wound.

friends moving on... it's so painful. i know this is the age when people rediscover their need for excitement... partly cos they're back in school surrounded by other pple. and they move from exciting experience to exciting experience... but what happens to the people who just love simple constancy? who just want to spend a whole afternoon sitting on a bench by the beach, or the corner of a rooftop, or in a park, or on a balcona, just spending time with someone. who would much much rather have one friend who he trusts completely, who knows him like a sibling, than 100 so-called exciting friendships. it's painful... it's why i feel like i've been left trailing in the dust. my dearest friends have moved on to other experiences. and i'm left hanging on to the fading memories of the friendship...

right now... this is what life is like. i don't even cry anymore. at nights... i potter around the room... occassionally check my msn list... try to pack my room... get pissed at myself for numbly playing a game because i have nothing better to do... microwave a snack from the fridge... that's all. life's like that. it's been like this for some time. i don't know what's keeping me going.

forced laughter

so my parents are flying off to the USA for business stuff tomorrow morning...

so again it's just me, my furniture, the laptop, the memories corners i don't touch anymore, the stacks and stacks of books i don't read anymore, the half-packed boxes i stopped packing, the wardrobe of half-filled with clothing i don't wear, and the shadow beside me that has to leave when the lights go out.

ever thought about where you are now in life, and gotten angry at what got you to that place?

sigh wanted to rant more, but kept getting indecisive about how much i can type out here. and anyway my blog is becoming to sad a place already.... *forced laughter*

goodnight...

huddled and crying

Hey, friend, tear your eyes from the dazzling fireworks for a second. Ever noticed that old man sitting alone, huddled up by the tree? I see him there every New Year... Hey, are you listening to me? Ah, nevermind, nice fireworks.

how did YOU spend new year's eve?

into his eyes.

Glance, for once, beyond the shell, and onto the surface of his soul: do you see it? Weep, love, weep. For he is a man of sorrows and fears.

What did you see when you looked into his eyes?

He was the man in the rain, and the child as he cried; he was the woman who wept because she forgot. He was the youth in the room and the mother bruised; he was the father who kept it all inside.

What do you see?

Do you see the fist enclosing his heart, crushing him, tugging? Or the weights pulling him to the ground? Name them, name his adversaries, if you can. The man just calls them beautiful.

It's your turn now.

Ask him what he sees as the heart in his eyes looks into yours. Ask if you dare, my friend.

random thought!

This thought just popped into my head while i was showering. It's intriguing eh? Had me thinking for a bit.

Which is better? To be loved by someone you know, or to be known by someone you love?

perfectly fine...

you know what true hurt is? it's not when you cry because you feel the pain, it's not when you're sobbing and your friends can't console you, it's not when you do crazy things to get the painful something out of your system.

true hurt is when you seem perfectly fine to the people around you.

i'm actually laughing to myself now... it's so simple and so true... to me.

true hurt is when every single person you know thinks you're perfectly fine.

Blue Eyes

see the old man with the deep blue eyes
wand'ring alone as the days go by
a heart of a fool and his painful sigh
a love that was true 'til the day you died

in your wake

slow down, slow down, won't you pause for a friend?
i so miss plain walking, and the stillness, the stars,
the plain quiet moments, and the sitting in the sand.
i guess.... i'll just wait, but i wonder how far.

Little Bluebird

I asked little bluebird
To teach me to fly
Away from it all
And into the sky

pictures and quotes!

New store opening ceremony! Hehe I'm so proud of Tecman :) I don't care if people still think we're low-class, a neighbourhood store, whatever... I know what we are, and how loyal our customers are, and we know how faithful God has been to the company, and that's enough :)

Cute quotes from my parents today:

"SMU girls all very pretty one hor. Especially now you got car, all sure want to be nice to you one. Must open eyes big big and get smart one." - My dad! :D

"Slash the prices! Now we don't care about profit. Make loss also nevermind. Most important is to bring in the cases." - My mom on reviving our wedding department :)

Mist

Oh, gaze into his bloodshot eyes:
Love, and the fear, and years gone by,
     Journeys so far and a tower tall,
     See kings and queens; and rise and fall
But bars of iron, and a cold, cold sigh.

3 things on my heart...

1. Realization that my self-esteem is either way too high or way too low... I always think I'm one of the worst singers in my section, but I keep trying to convince myself that I'm just being paranoid and am actually not bad, and then I have a horrible pract and I think I'm super super terrible all over again... lol... =/

2. Joy :) The way God teaches and guides me is so beautiful... I can look back and see 'seasons' in my life, periods that last several months where He was subtly teaching me something. The period when He walked me through the book of Romans was beautiful: things would just happen throughout the period that would remind me of teachings in that book: sermons, stuff in my daily life, picking up the bible to read at night... It was beautiful. And there was a period when He showed me over and over again how I can trust Him no matter how difficult situations are - it was so gentle and subtle and yet so obvious that trusting Him now comes so easily for me. Ok I'm a little sidetracked haha...

But yeah, joy. God's been showing me these days that I can find so much joy even though things around me are hectic, and uncertain. Joy is so deep! It is beyond happiness and hyperness... To me it is like a water that fills my heart. Sure, cares and burdens may be in me, but when I look at the emotions I can smile inwardly because they are all surrounded by the waters. Perhaps it comes from knowing that God is handling everything for me because He loves me, perhaps there doesn't have to be a reason for joy other than it being a lovely gift from God. It's wonderful. The leave-it-to-God life doesn't mean you forget what you care about, it means that you care about things, but with a beautiful, unchanging joy and peace.

3. A beautiful verse: "Then she said, 'Sit still, my daughter, until you know how the matter will turn out; for the man will not rest until he has concluded the matter this day.'" from Ruth 3:18, NIV :)

Joy and restfulness :)

a meme!

How old do you wish you were?
Exactly 21... I'm really curious about how I'll be spending my birthday. :)

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In the living room... my parents were frantically and incoherently trying to tell me what was going on on TV.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Turn the coin return a few times... It never works tho :)

Do you consider yourself kind?
Yeah, maybe a bit too much for my own good.

If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Somewhere no one's ever gonna see, like in between my toes.

If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Greek. It's just so cool.

Do you know your neighbors?
Yup, one of them is pretty close to my family.

What do you consider a vacation?
Spending time with a close friend.

Do you follow your horoscope.
Well I sometimes read the horoscope pages to laugh at how wrong it is for me :) But there is a link between astrology and Christianity, something I've been wanting to research more deeply but never got down to doing. :)

Would you move for the person you loved?
I was all ready to do so until

Are you touchy feely?
Yup. Hugs are nice things.

Do you believe that opposites attract?
Sometimes, yes.

Dream job?
One that lets me multitask with the option of going in-depth if I want to. And one that allows me to spend time with my family.

Favorite channel(s)?
Er... The closest thing to TV I watch are VCDs on my laptop.

Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere where I'm spending time with a close friend. The beach comes to mind... Beautiful memories there.

Showers or Baths?
Showers. If my legs get tired I can always sit down on the shower floor... hehehe

Do you paint your nails?
I know being a guy doesn't necessarily mean I DON'T paint my nails, but... yeah I'm a guy.

Do you trust people easily?
No

What are your phobias?
Crowds and loud noises... it's getting better tho.

Do you want kids?
Yup, after spending a few years with my wife... *just the two of us*

Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Yeah... since... Pri 6 I think.

Where would you rather be right now?
With a dear friend.

Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
See above.

Heavy or light sleeper?
Usually heavy, recently having problems with a new pillow tho. lol

Are you paranoid?
*suspicious look* why are you asking that?

Are you impatient?
Yup.

Who can you relate to?
You.

How do you feel about interracial couples?
? It's normal really :)

Have you been burned by love?
Depends on what you mean by burned :)

What's your favorite pick-up line?
I wish I had a pickup line. LOL

What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
One of those that came with the mobile.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Hmmm... I think I was online, lamenting how few friends were on... Am I the only one who stays at home at night??

What did the last text on your cellphone say?
LOL it was an update on the coming weekend's practises from my SL.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine :)

What color shirt are you wearing?
White :)

Most recent movie you watched?
Moulin Rouge, only halfway through tho :)

Name three things you have on you at all times?
Er... Er... I dunno...

What color are your bed sheets?
A deep blue that's fading a little :)

How much cash do you have on you right now?
$75.10

What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The lard that gives the chicken rice its flavour :)

What's your favorite town/city?
Prague. It was magical.

I can't wait till:
Nothing... Life comes in big patchy chunks nowadays, and really I'm looking forward to every single patchy chunk because there is so much joy and peace to be found in each chunk, even if bad things happen. Somehow I'm feeling a deep, deep joy in the midst of all the crazy stuff that has been happening these days. It's wonderful :) Something I've grown to learn - leaving it all to God doesn't mean you cease to care about anything. :)

Who got you to join LJ?
Dawny!

What did you have for dinner last night?
Last night? Indian rojak at the Bras Basah food court :)

How tall are you barefoot?
1.73 i think

Do you own a gun?
I USED to have a toy gun...

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
eh... anything, really...

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
i don't have one... any suggestions? lol

Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Smiling... smiling cos I'll still be full of joy.

Last thing you ate?
A chunk of fried chicken :)

What songs do you sing in the shower?
Christian songs, and certain lines of some love songs :)

Last thing that made you laugh?
I think I laughed with my mom's small group when i went to visit them at my neighbour's house :)

Worst injury you've ever had?
Fracture-dislocation of my wrist from blading. (see the scar?)

Does someone have a crush on you?
I would certainly like to think so, but disillusionism and cynicism has gotten hold of me so my answer is HAR? ME? Pls lah. NO.

What's your favorite candy?
Kinder Bueno! Haven't had it in ages.

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Beauty for Ashes.

a... a... a... nevermind.

Ever had a thought like this? That your life would be very, very different if not for something?


hehe this pic is just here for fun... that's me with Uncle John (a close family friend) and my dad

For me it's stuttering. I actually thought of explaining here what causes stuttering, but nah, too technical =) Stutterers go through a lot of turmoil in something as simple as speaking... I don't think many normal people know this cos fluent speech comes so naturally to you guys.

It's a difficult, difficult condition to have... I don't know how to describe the anxiety and fears I've gone through as a stutterer. Looking at a person, knowing well that you are going to 'block' on the next word but just trying to say it because you have no choice, and seeing the person look quizzical, or lose interest, or turn away, or ask if you're ok, because your head is shaking in an effort to get the stupid word out... (btw - don't try to give a stutter stuttering advice unless you really know about the condition. i've really heard too much nonsense advice from laymen.)

But back to the point - I think my life would be very different without the stutter. I would've been alot more... up-in-front, go-getting, dynamic. instinctively I always want to break barriers of formality between me and superiors, or business relations. I think... I would've become one of those super-confident super-networking people. So often I've wanted to say or do something exciting but I force the desire down because I know I'll just disgrace myself by stuttering.

But well, looking back, no regrets, really. I'm glad I'm like this. It's still an instinct in me to want to be at the forefront, to be in the action (which explains why I always try to stand in the front row in choirs! haha), but sometimes there really is more depth behind the scenes... I think there's so much more beauty in a quiet, soft word than a loud, cheerful shout.

And there is something about silence. Sometimes silence carries more meaning than the most fluent of words. And sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to be quiet and simply listen.

Even in something as painful as stuttering, there's a beauty. :)

Like a... well?

You know, I think it's really interesting to be someone who likes to observe, and who tends to internalize everything. So often my heart feels like a well that slowly fills. And the thing is... It is a beautiful thing to me, to have this well filled, be the emotions happy or sad.

When it's just plain emotional things that fill the well, it's beautiful because the heart feels fulfilled, enriched. It's as if I've somehow become a better, deeper, wiser person from mulling over the emotions.

And when it's sadness and hurt that fills the well... There can be a beauty too. It's in crying my heart out to a friend, or just to my pillow. I've ever cried till I got so tired of it all that I could do little more than lie curled on my bed. It is that moment where nothing else matters. You're just way too tired to care, and you just want to forget everything and let cleansing sleep come over you.

But there's another kind of hurt... the most painful kind: the kind that hurts so much that you are forced to cover it up, seal it, and store it in a dark corner of your mind... It's a hurt that doesn't hurt because it is buried so deep. I suspect the only way for this to heal is to share it all out to a friend. But if I have trouble facing it myself, who's going to know to help dig up the hurts?

Anyway... yeah. Life is so... deep... as an emotional person. SNAG, so what? I wouldn't give a life like this up, for the world :)

The Storm

He was the storm.

It was in the way his hair flew like the banners of old in winds of war. It was the fire in his eyes and the steely gait; and his robes, oblivious to a frame carved from marble, that flowed like the waters of the waves that buffeted your boat.

And he was approaching.

Can you see it now? The storm surrounds him like a coat of shimmering chain. As your skin tingles you almost see crackling lights and flames encircling him like a majestic hurricane; he was the centre, the eye, the focal point, the Glory. For a moment you understood it all:

He was the storm.

He strode between the waters like a pillar, like Atlas beneath the skies; you imagine him reaching to the heavens with an arm of stone and bearing the storm with his might. The world. He was bearing the world with his might. Take courage!

And all this while, he was staring at you.

Dimly a word appears in your mind: charisma. The eyes of the man of stone wearing a garment of the storm were like deep, deep wells. You see love, justice, care and beauty in his dark eyes, you see an assuredness that has spilled over into his followers' lives. You would give it all up for this man. You did. Come.

A mere man would have drowned, but this person was so much more.

As the waves buffet your craft, you climb slowly out of your boat, and begin to walk.

memories...

simply starting to look through some old photos made me realise how much i've been shielding my mind from the memories subconsciously, even now...

i never knew i was someone to block off painful memories like this.

i needed to look thru those photos on my comp, but i just couldn't carry on, i could feel the memories coming back and i could feel the hurting start...

i'm used to looking at my hurts, handling them, experiencing them, and crying them out. but this time it's so different. looks like some hurts hurt too much for my heart to handle.

and looks like i was wrong when i thought my heart had healed.

a mother's words

mmmm I've been so blessed. 2 nights in row I've had wonderful conversations with people dear to me... tonight was with my mom :) We talked on family, relationships... What's there to explain? Again I wish I had taken everything down...

A few things stayed with me tho.

Something she said underscored a change that has been happening in me... Being able to... change. I used to take pride in being an unchanging ever-the-same Sam. And it's taken so much, over the past months, for me to realize that... when you least expect it, people can change, and perhaps even I can change.

Well the context was relationships... I dunno... I always feel so content the way I am. Just never saw the need to change. But y'know, I think rather be able to adapt for someone, than to stay as a stubborn person, not willing to change just because I don't think I'm someone who changes.

That said, I think I don't have to worry about changing too much, because if God directs a change, it's for the better, and it'll come so naturally. :D

"Change comes from within..."

on dear friends and disillusionment

i realised something... you know someone is dear to you when after spending time with the person, you wish you could remember every single thing you talked about. "change comes from within!" ~ what you said is so true.

also felt disillusionment today. y'know... when you were kinda happy and hopeful about something, but the feeling deflated after a realisation? it's a sad feeling, but a good one because i think disillusionment usually lets you see things the way they really are =)

we'll see

People-watching over lunch =)

another long post! some pre-scripts: 1) Monkey and Monkey, if you tell ANYone what i told you today i will do horrible things to both of you. lol. 2) Welcome home Adela!

Spent some time observing people over my shredded chicken porridge (with egg :)) today.

A quiet man eating with 2 women at the table in front of me - they looked working class. The man had a stoic, couldn't-care-less look; he wasn't speaking.

A silent married couple beside me, I think they were having noodles - I wondered when they would start speaking to each other.

Two workers fixing the aircon on my right - they had the nonchalance of people who have learnt a very specific skill, and are using it day in, day out to earn a living. I wondered about their families - were they the sole breadwinners?

The quiet man hadn't spoken yet. I now noticed that the two women with him spoke to each other occassionally. Perhaps the man's stoicism was just a front to mask an awkwardness? Perhaps he didn't know those 2 women but just followed them to the food court because he did not have anyone at the workplace to have lunch with.

I noticed the yong tau foo seller at the far end of the food court. He was replacing washed bowls, he looked like he had been doing it for years. I’ve noticed that he was someone who had alot going on in his heart behind the casual just-doing-my-job front. Something in his eyes, in his mannerisms, hinted of a discontentment.

Then there were the cleaners. I noticed one who seemed like a type of cleaner I haven't observed before. I've always known 2 broad types: firstly there was the tightly focussed I'm-doing-this-for-a-living type. He walks slowly... I can see his eyes scanning, searching for empty plates like vultures searching for carrion. He focuses so strongly I can't read anything else in his eyes. Is this his whole life? Does he think about anything else? Does he even have anything else, anyone else to think about? Then there is the other type of cleaner, the smiling one. Occasionally when he cleans your table and you help him pile the plates, he'll smile at you, and chat back when you ask them something. It's sad - I noticed he seems to have a fearful respect of the patrons - I wonder what they taught him in training, or what kind of horrible patrons he has encountered. But I digress. Today I noticed a third type - an observer.

Now a man dressed as a hawker with an air of importance about him was talking to one of the cooks, explaining something about the food. I think he was the big boss of the seafood stall. A little man in the big scheme of things, but for the moment, in his stall, with his staff, he is king.

And the supervisor of the air-con workers had arrived - another little man who is ruler for the moment. This little ruler stood there staring while the workers worked. They still looked nonchalant, used to their job.

Neither the silent couple not the quiet man had spoken yet.

A young woman strode in determinedly. She was too busy to stop to let me observe her more and read into her character. Perhaps one of those who take pride in busyness and want to impress others with her fast-paced life.

Two young boys sat down in the middle of the food court, both sec 3 or so. When I saw them I thought of wisdom. They had the faces of kids who have not seen enough - it was something about the eyes. How do I describe it? It looked like all their thinking was going on an inch in front of their faces: their thoughts were wholly on what they were discussing excitedly for the moment. They were neither yet bad enough to have seen the dark side of life, nor yet introspective enough to see beyond appearances. Perhaps the innocence will be lost over time.

The observant cleaner had stopped observing.

The quiet man had not spoken yet.

And the married couple stood up and left, still silent.

Ever wondered what people think about you when they observe you?

:)

state of the heart report!

haven't posted in a few days :) was actually going to continue the story i wrote, but since i have other stuff to post... :)

Lotsa stuff on my mind...

You know what life feels like to me right now? It feels new... so full of new dreams, new hopes, a new future ahead even, and new friends. I haven't even been writing much in my old journal. It feels like a part of my life has been closed off and sealed.

I... I dunno if it's a good or bad thing. I don't like change, and I certainly didn't foresee these changes. I'm scared of things being sealed off, but I dunno... If God directs changes in my life I'm sure it's all for a wonderful purpose :)

oh by the way here's a photo of my niece! 1.5 months now


anyway back to the point,

On the road of life you see a door
Large, inviting, fulfilling
Slowly you walk to it, your hand grasps the warm knob
But you stop:
What is this door, Lord?
Just a detour?
Or the start of a beautiful journey?

oh wow, God answered my question after I typed that :)

so 'till next time,
Goodnight, reader

Think my next story will be about an old music box... *wink*

Perfect gallows...

"Stand fast, good fate, to his hanging; make the rope of his destiny our cable, for our own doth little advantage. If he be not born to be hanged, our case is miserable." ~ The Tempest

Found this gem of a line in The Tempest... need I say more? No matter what happens, the rope of His destiny shall be my cable. :)

memories and beauty

"I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just gonna cave in." ~ the weird kid from American Beauty



Here are the "memory corners" (and CDs area!) of my room... Do you have one in yours? :)

Memories are a huge thing for me - I don't have a good memory; when friends tell me, 'Sam, remember the time...", I always feel sad when I realise I've forgotten that beautiful moment.

Beautiful moments in my life are always touched by a little sadness. Because they are transient things to me - I know that in time I'll probably forget the magic of the moment, to have it recorded only in maybe my journal or in photographs.

But you know what? I'm content to be like this. There is a certain beauty in transcience - it makes you appreciate the magic of the moment more...

And really, there is too much beauty in the world. Can you see it? When you're at the beach at night, it's in the stars in the sky and the lights shimmering on the horizon and the waves and the soft wind... When you're with a loved one it's the way he or she smiles, it's the understanding and love... When you're on a hilltop, it's the way the clouds cast giant shadows on the valley, the way the setting sun makes the mountain range in the distance shine like diamonds...

I think if I were to remember clearly every single beautiful moment of my life I wouldn't be able to take it. Beauty can be overwhelming sometimes. :)

last night i...

1. had a shock! i learned that someone i don't really know thought i was interested in her. like huh??? I didn't even think about it lor! hahahaha... chao funny.

2. watched half of American Beauty on VCD: it's an amazing movie if you like looking into people's emotions. It's quite interesting 'cos the character I best identify with is the weird kid who kept videoing things - u learn that along he was so stiff because his heart couldn't handle how much beauty there is in the world...

3. listened to my new favourite song over and over again :) Tell him.... that the sun and moon rise...

4. Woke in the middle of the night shivering with a fever... It's a scary feeling. You're trembling and trembling under the blanket because the room becomes so cold, but at the same time you're perspiring because your high body heat makes the bed so hot. One of the few times I awoke in the morning wet with perspiration...

Epilogue: The Dream of the Captain of the Guard

ok finally finished editing this - it's less of a teen action flick kinda story now haha!

The man stood in the middle of the rain-soaked road, facing the gates of the city.

He knew the names of the statues that have stood vigil over the friends and foes who have passed through the gates. Neither the names given them by the Builders of the city, nor even names given by any earthly king, but their true names.

The man waits in the cleansing rain. He knows how to wait. A man who has stood waiting for dreams and kingdoms to fall does not become impatient easily.

The door by the side of the gate creaked open, and The Captain of the Guard now stood framed by the old door and silhouetted by the firelights of the city. He was trembling.

"What... What news, Exile?"

The man remembers the Captain. They fought side-by-side in the final moments of the war. He was once a good man, but his time had come, and news must be told and deeds performed, no matter how terrible.

"I have returned from my exile. As a wandering alchemist walks abroad seeking herbs and magicks, I have travelled far to heal the hurts of our city.

The man's eyes burned with rememberance, with revelation, and with a wisdom painfully earned.

"And I have this to report: uncertainties, unrest and strife, for I have gone by foot or horseback from the easternmost end of the Beautiful Sands, to the western tongue of the Bay of Deaths, and have found everything in order. It is all good... my captain.

The man did not expect a reply. He walked slowly to the figure sillhouetted in the door.

"I have learned a secret on my journeys, and it is a True Thing: some hurts come from within.

The man unfastened the rank insignia on the Captain's breast.

"I was ordered to take back what was stolen from the heart of the city, or to die trying. Fare thee well in Hades."

The man in the doorway did not make a sound.

The city now stands in the cleansing rain, facing the dead body.

She knows the true name of the man she exiled. Not the names given him by the kingdoms he was sent to observe, nor even the name given by the people of the Bay of Deaths. This is his true name - and a name is the person:

The people of the city once called him The Captain of the Guard.

the small kid's name is samuel :)

love, actually, is all around us.

just finished watching one of my favourite movies for the third time...

some movies can really summon emotions that are beyond words... moulin rouge is one of them, love, actually is another.

i think there's gonna be a lot on my mind as i lie under my blanket tonight.

goodnight :)