to make millions or to be famous or to be some big leader
recently i've been having this heavy suspicion that i won't amount to anything.
i see people around me all gearing up for or actually entering high-profile jobs. people who got into huge firms after graduation, people who are very "into" market analysis and other financial thingies, people who take on leadership roles and service roles like it's second nature to them...
and i see myself. this simple guy who was all along content to be a theoretical physicist, sitting at his desk musing over his equations and once in a while giving an interesting lecture to his students. even when this dream changed to something more leadership/finance related, the new dream involved working with and building up what was dear to me (Tecman). somehow i always go for familiarity and constancy... i look into my heart and can no longer find any of that drive to make millions or to be famous or to be some big leader.
maybe it isn't such a bad thing. maybe i just feel this way because of the pressure i get from parents, peers, the world. maybe... maybe it's just because i'm in SMU, a place full of people who have that drive, after all it IS a business school. it's just difficult sometimes. especially when i look at myself and wonder if the problem is ME - like maybe i'm lacking any drive at all, maybe i'm just a lazy bum, maybe... i dunno.
it's scary because i used to be 100% happy to be myself, to a point that i would refuse to change no matter what. and now that i have become mutable inside i'm starting to look around and see that i am different, that i just don't want or am not interested in many of the things my friends and family are after.
so right now... here i am. this blur big soft guy that at least one person finds sweet, who finds doing nice things for people a million times more meaningful than making a million dollars, who is content to hold on to and develop what he is familiar with, and whose heart is perhaps bigger than his deeds.
and perhaps, for good or for worse, that is all i have.
3 comments:
I have this dilemma too. Part of me wishes I was the kind of person that was driven and had a job where I earned lots of money. But I know I get stressed out very easily, so I have to stick to a 9-5 kind of job. People are motivated by different things. If you become an accountant you will always earn a (more than) decent salary. Even the government and charities need accountants! So I believe you will be able to find a work environment that you are happy in. Love you!
what you have is a precious precious thing; something that people in this world ought to have more of. The simplicity of heart and contentment with things as they are. I'm disgusted by the way people set their sights entirely on material achievement and internships and good resumes. People will look at you at the end of the day and realise that they're all missing something! God is perhaps giving you that extra oomph in a business school like SMU, but I'm sure He loves that pure heart of simplicity in you. It's such a precious thing, so don't let it be swamped! :)
Stay a Man After God's Heart. -wink-
hello zzk and enqi baby :) thanks for the encouraging words! *big hug*
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