i feel like a stuffed toy. those stuffed toys that kids talk to when they have no one else to talk to, when they need to cry to or laugh to or de-burden to. those stuffed toys that willingly accept all those kids' burdens and seem to have no burdens of their own.
why huh. i have feelings too u know.
just made a good friend very unhappy with me... cos i accidentally revealed her very good grades to another friend whom i thought already knew her grades.
yes i feel bad... always feel bad about making friends unhappy :(
but... huh? how come grades is such a sensitive issue? it's just a number! how come people are willing to potentially sacrifice friendships, to keep their (very good) GPA a secret?
which is more important huh... GPA or friendships? GPA is just a stupid number :( don't see why such a big deal is being made out of it :(
GPA determines your life? my foot. look at all the successful people today and you'll see many people with lousy academic backgrounds.
GRADES ARE JUST A NUMBER!!! gosh. so many things are more important than that
such a nice thing to neglect work to spend time with friends. it's an assertion that even though work has been absolutely crazy, some things are still more important. :)
goodness, did i just finish almost half the chicken? must... stop... binging...
Look, young man
At your life, and know
That the world with its glories
Shine bright and cold
Stare at the ocean
Or gaze at the moon
Or look to the heavens
And ask for a boon
The people you knew
Neither see nor hear
The blind and the death
For lack fear
Ok giving up on this poem for lack of creative/emotional stamina/reserves ... Never posted an incomplete work on this blog before :) Maybe i'll finish it some day haha
a lot of thoughts running through my head tonight. maybe it's cos the worst week of the term is finally over (the papers and projects went well in general :) thanks to all the mugging khakis and those who gave emotional support heh).
just had a thought... that my teen years are long over and i haven't *done* much. i dunno... have i? sometimes i feel like a slob who sits around the whole day. well it was probably true for my secondary school life, but it's odd that i feel that way now since my brain is telling me that i have done alot. how many people can say they've learnt salsa and tango, backpacked in mountain villages in germany, got medals in international choir competitions, took part in half marathons, trekked up a waterfall...
but somehow, something in me says, that's not me. that's just stuff. that's not real life. maybe it's just my (bad) memory, like i know that those memories will fade so they don't feel like a part of me. could be that... could also be that to me it's the relationships that count; i measure life in love (remember that song?) when it feels like i'm getting detached from friends even if temporarily, it feels like life doesn't hold much meaning.
yes, it's the people. to me it's always about the people. decided i'd show these photos of those who came to my 21st party, cos these are all the friends i had at that point. well at least those who were in singapore and free that day haha... and i've made a whole bunch of great new friends this term too. yeah. love you all. wish it were easier to stay in touch with everyone...
it's funny what memories can do to you - how they can make pains kept inside for so long resurface. just when you thought you were over it, memories make you realise that actually you were just hiding...
i need to remember how perilous it is to go through old photos
i've been intrigued by this girl from one of my classes for some time. she doesn't seem to have friends except possibly this girl who sits 2 seats away from her in class... it's not even because she's unlikeable or unfriendly. she's just... there. someone who stands around and looks around at people, but doesn't talk to them and doesn't get talked to. i should go up and talk to her just to possibly brighten her day or something.
how did she get that way? just so shy that she didn't get started in the making friends scene? something she did that made other girls not like her? intriguing.
started the day not wanting to meet anyone, wanting to hide from the world, and getting ridiculed by a friend. bleah.
There is a man on the hill in the light of the moon
His name is The Memory of Things Past.
His eyes shine like dancing lights on the surface of the deepest pool
You know him, friend
See his silhouette form.
Love him, dearest
Gaze.
Now the billowing shadow of his pathwork cloak snuffs out the moonlight glow
For a moment all you know is the dark
Memory's is a silent knowing, an inward sigh
A cloud that surrounds, crushes, pulses, clenches; a living fist that grips your heart with the strength of steel and tugs
Silently, persistently, gently
It persuades me but I do not think
It guides me but I am not free
It leads me but I am not led
Rip the curtain aside like a gloating murderer unveils his victim
Shine again comforting, forgiving, bright light, a shadow of the golden
Peace, reprieve, rest, but
Move, friend, move,
He stands on the highest point.
You once knew him;
Memory does not forget
The Man on a hill in the light is moving
Closer, friend
There is a story before your time of a friendship forged
On trust, love, bonds of memory and hope
Of two who would give anything for their love
Which would last forever past, forever future
The face of Memory betrays no emotion; it is a resolute gaze into the depths of the night
His eyes draw from the darkness around, like a child who receives uncountable presents,
Like a black whirlpool that pulls, pulls, and finally destroys
Friend! He moves...
Like a burdened soul the man is still on his hill, seated
Look down, friend, look beyond what you see;
See how far those who flee will fall
It is a cliff.
Memory's silhouette grasps the rubber tires
And pushes.
I know... and yet, I don't...
Ever had the experience where there was something glaringly obvious staring at you, but you act as if you can't see it, or you tell youself it can't be true?
"It's time to face the truth." - those words played on my laptop speakers at the exact time I wrote the above paragraph.
Something's up, I think. :)
zing after u told me that on msn i felt so frustrated cos i still didn't know what to do... but right that moment pprince said on the sermon cd: "all things are working together for my good.".
thanks for giving me that advice zing. made me see things as they are. i won't try... i'll rest and watch things fall into place.
friends aren't just there to make you happy... sometimes they help you put things into perspective, and it isn't always a pleasant thing. thanks.
hmmm... keep getting the feeling that there has to be something more, something looming beyond what I have now. perhaps it's an anticipation, maybe a longing, or a forewarning, or... something. but there has to be something more - some new development about to arrive, something big. i'm not sure what it is.
i trust my instincts alot - i'm so used to seeing the big picture that i like to think that patterns and combinations of events i see around me sometimes give me a subconscious knowledge of where a situation is heading. i'm not sure if this instinct can be trusted fully now, but it doesn't matter.
i think i'm heading towards some big but possibly gradual changes. don't know what, but i'll just rest and float along.
Ever had the feeling of anticipation, where you can see hints of something big appraoching? Of seeing too many coincidences for it all to be chance, so while a part of you is saying that it's an idle hope, there's also a part of you that's anticipating the very nice thing coming into your life that is slowly being uncovered?
I'll just rest...
i'm so glad i joined the new crea cell group in smu! such a nice bunch of people... :)
steamboat dinner! and supper! i was so super full lah... and they were eating prawns like it was a personal mission to eradicate the restaurant's prawn supplies...
hmmm was going to say something about how one of my wishes for this year has been fulfilled, but i can't find the paper i wrote those wishes on so i shall leave it to another time heh
So much has happened recently, and many of them are not-too-happy things... But like so many situations, it's really the people that matter, not the situation itself :)
Thank you, to those few of you who've been sharing with me and who've listened to my sharing... Things don't seem all smooth sailing in our lives now, but when things slowly settle, I'll remember that you were there for me, and I'll smile knowing that I was there for you (or tried to be :D )
Reminds me of something I told a friend online:
"Everyone kicks people out of their lives from time to time, but those that stay in our lives, they are from God, treasure them."
Treasure them. Love that phrase. I treasure you people, I really do. :)
Wake me from this dream my friend
Starlit roses changing hands
But I don't think my heart would ever mend
She sings to me a lullaby
As in my heart I wave goodbye
I don't think that I could ever fly
Wasted days and wasted nights
Time to set the wrong things right
They tell me I can do it by my might
Secret councils in my ear
Secret whispers in my fears
Tell me Love that you will always hear
Life to life there is still time
Tell me walking is still fine
Waiting on this dream is no crime
Life to life there is still time
Tell me walking is still fine
Waiting on this dream is no crime
(First time I've composed a song with the tune in mind. :) )
finally, the end of a crazy week. it's such a nice thought, that this week is going to end with a caregroup meeting :)
yeah, alot has been happening. not all pleasant, not all stress-free, but it's nice because things are being resolved. it's like a small arc of the story of my life is in the process of being tied neatly up. like i'm finally going to where i'm supposed to be - at peace, at rest.
i'll right down the thought that was in my mind while driving just now:
things are falling into place :)
ok for those who don't know - we have a module called leadership and team building that's supposed to like teach team dynamics and leadership stuffs by throwing you into random groups and making u come up with a pretty big-scale community service project on your own - like find your own sponsorship for funds, find your own beneficiary etc etc... supposed to teach you conflict management too, which is why my group's TA was kinda unhappy to see that our group was completely conflict-free hahaha :D some pictures!
lots more stuff has been going on this week. really really packed week. shall update more soon :)
spent 11+ hours at a hospital today, cos my friend's cousin was in ICU for a cyst, a tumour, and complications due to the tumour. we went to visit her today... and it was so, so sad. a beautiful little girl lying unconscious with a ventilator in her mouth, a drip through her nose, huge bandages on her head, and needles poking everywhere :(
to cut a long story short, after an emergency operation, the doctors gave up and told us to wait for a miracle. an ICU counsellor later told us that she would not make it through tonight. that was around 3pm. later on we were told that the brain pressure was an indicator of improvement; a pressure of 20 units was safe. the girl's brain pressure was 50ish, and it was at 50ish the whole day, moving up and down by only 1 unit at a time.
through it all, the family was really distraught, and it didn't help that certain family members were praying very persistently and very loudly and very fearfully... a huge contrast to the restful, trusting-God attitude jac KT and i adopted... or tried to adopt. it was difficult for me because i thought gosh, i have no idea how to be confident of a miracle because it seemed like there was no hope! but as has happened many times in my life, God showed me that no matter how impossible the situation, i can trust Him.
at 6+pm a leader from new crea came to the ward. she led us to take the holy communion and started talking to the girl. telling her gently how much she is loved by God, how God has paid for her wholeness. and the moment she finished, BAM!!
the brain pressure suddenly dropped by no less than 6 units.
the leader kept on talking to the girl about God and His love, and the pressure just kept dropping! clearly it was God's hand because there had been no significant change in the pressure the whole day.
by the time we left (which was at midnight), the brain pressure had dropped from a high 40s / low 50s, to a very stable 26-28. if that's not a miracle, i don't know what is.
the little girl is still unconscious and in ICU, but we are trusting God for a full recovery, where none seemed possible. if He can make miracles, like this pressure issue, to happen, He can make her completely whole.
Thanks, God :)
looks like a normal fridge?
look again!
Sophia looking cool!
Sophia getting her feet wet at the beach!
she looks thirsty...
the cousin, the sister, and the respective babies
Xenbar! Sigh... sad that i have to cut down on training for studies :(
