the "just let me be myself" feeling

started the day not wanting to meet anyone, wanting to hide from the world, and getting ridiculed by a friend. bleah.

The Memory of Things Past

There is a man on the hill in the light of the moon
His name is The Memory of Things Past.
His eyes shine like dancing lights on the surface of the deepest pool
You know him, friend
See his silhouette form.
Love him, dearest
Gaze.
Now the billowing shadow of his pathwork cloak snuffs out the moonlight glow
For a moment all you know is the dark

Memory's is a silent knowing, an inward sigh
A cloud that surrounds, crushes, pulses, clenches; a living fist that grips your heart with the strength of steel and tugs
Silently, persistently, gently
It persuades me but I do not think
It guides me but I am not free
It leads me but I am not led
Rip the curtain aside like a gloating murderer unveils his victim
Shine again comforting, forgiving, bright light, a shadow of the golden

Peace, reprieve, rest, but
Move, friend, move,
He stands on the highest point.
You once knew him;
Memory does not forget
The Man on a hill in the light is moving
Closer, friend

There is a story before your time of a friendship forged
On trust, love, bonds of memory and hope
Of two who would give anything for their love
Which would last forever past, forever future

The face of Memory betrays no emotion; it is a resolute gaze into the depths of the night
His eyes draw from the darkness around, like a child who receives uncountable presents,
Like a black whirlpool that pulls, pulls, and finally destroys
Friend! He moves...
Like a burdened soul the man is still on his hill, seated

Look down, friend, look beyond what you see;
See how far those who flee will fall
It is a cliff.
Memory's silhouette grasps the rubber tires
And pushes.

staring

I know... and yet, I don't...

Ever had the experience where there was something glaringly obvious staring at you, but you act as if you can't see it, or you tell youself it can't be true?

"It's time to face the truth." - those words played on my laptop speakers at the exact time I wrote the above paragraph.

Something's up, I think. :)

i'll rest and watch

zing after u told me that on msn i felt so frustrated cos i still didn't know what to do... but right that moment pprince said on the sermon cd: "all things are working together for my good.".

thanks for giving me that advice zing. made me see things as they are. i won't try... i'll rest and watch things fall into place.

friends aren't just there to make you happy... sometimes they help you put things into perspective, and it isn't always a pleasant thing. thanks.

floating along...

hmmm... keep getting the feeling that there has to be something more, something looming beyond what I have now. perhaps it's an anticipation, maybe a longing, or a forewarning, or... something. but there has to be something more - some new development about to arrive, something big. i'm not sure what it is.

i trust my instincts alot - i'm so used to seeing the big picture that i like to think that patterns and combinations of events i see around me sometimes give me a subconscious knowledge of where a situation is heading. i'm not sure if this instinct can be trusted fully now, but it doesn't matter.

i think i'm heading towards some big but possibly gradual changes. don't know what, but i'll just rest and float along.

just resting...

Ever had the feeling of anticipation, where you can see hints of something big appraoching? Of seeing too many coincidences for it all to be chance, so while a part of you is saying that it's an idle hope, there's also a part of you that's anticipating the very nice thing coming into your life that is slowly being uncovered?

I'll just rest...

CG outing! super full!

i'm so glad i joined the new crea cell group in smu! such a nice bunch of people... :)

steamboat dinner! and supper! i was so super full lah... and they were eating prawns like it was a personal mission to eradicate the restaurant's prawn supplies...





hmmm was going to say something about how one of my wishes for this year has been fulfilled, but i can't find the paper i wrote those wishes on so i shall leave it to another time heh

to treasure those that stay

So much has happened recently, and many of them are not-too-happy things... But like so many situations, it's really the people that matter, not the situation itself :)

Thank you, to those few of you who've been sharing with me and who've listened to my sharing... Things don't seem all smooth sailing in our lives now, but when things slowly settle, I'll remember that you were there for me, and I'll smile knowing that I was there for you (or tried to be :D )

Reminds me of something I told a friend online:

"Everyone kicks people out of their lives from time to time, but those that stay in our lives, they are from God, treasure them."

Treasure them. Love that phrase. I treasure you people, I really do. :)

Waiting On This Dream

Wake me from this dream my friend
Starlit roses changing hands
But I don't think my heart would ever mend

She sings to me a lullaby
As in my heart I wave goodbye
I don't think that I could ever fly

Wasted days and wasted nights
Time to set the wrong things right
They tell me I can do it by my might

Secret councils in my ear
Secret whispers in my fears
Tell me Love that you will always hear

Life to life there is still time
Tell me walking is still fine
Waiting on this dream is no crime

Life to life there is still time
Tell me walking is still fine
Waiting on this dream is no crime

(First time I've composed a song with the tune in mind. :) )

when things fall into place...

finally, the end of a crazy week. it's such a nice thought, that this week is going to end with a caregroup meeting :)

yeah, alot has been happening. not all pleasant, not all stress-free, but it's nice because things are being resolved. it's like a small arc of the story of my life is in the process of being tied neatly up. like i'm finally going to where i'm supposed to be - at peace, at rest.

i'll right down the thought that was in my mind while driving just now:

things are falling into place :)

Pics from LTB community service thingie!

ok for those who don't know - we have a module called leadership and team building that's supposed to like teach team dynamics and leadership stuffs by throwing you into random groups and making u come up with a pretty big-scale community service project on your own - like find your own sponsorship for funds, find your own beneficiary etc etc... supposed to teach you conflict management too, which is why my group's TA was kinda unhappy to see that our group was completely conflict-free hahaha :D some pictures!





lots more stuff has been going on this week. really really packed week. shall update more soon :)

when miracles are in your face - how can you not believe?

spent 11+ hours at a hospital today, cos my friend's cousin was in ICU for a cyst, a tumour, and complications due to the tumour. we went to visit her today... and it was so, so sad. a beautiful little girl lying unconscious with a ventilator in her mouth, a drip through her nose, huge bandages on her head, and needles poking everywhere :(

to cut a long story short, after an emergency operation, the doctors gave up and told us to wait for a miracle. an ICU counsellor later told us that she would not make it through tonight. that was around 3pm. later on we were told that the brain pressure was an indicator of improvement; a pressure of 20 units was safe. the girl's brain pressure was 50ish, and it was at 50ish the whole day, moving up and down by only 1 unit at a time.

through it all, the family was really distraught, and it didn't help that certain family members were praying very persistently and very loudly and very fearfully... a huge contrast to the restful, trusting-God attitude jac KT and i adopted... or tried to adopt. it was difficult for me because i thought gosh, i have no idea how to be confident of a miracle because it seemed like there was no hope! but as has happened many times in my life, God showed me that no matter how impossible the situation, i can trust Him.

at 6+pm a leader from new crea came to the ward. she led us to take the holy communion and started talking to the girl. telling her gently how much she is loved by God, how God has paid for her wholeness. and the moment she finished, BAM!!

the brain pressure suddenly dropped by no less than 6 units.

the leader kept on talking to the girl about God and His love, and the pressure just kept dropping! clearly it was God's hand because there had been no significant change in the pressure the whole day.

by the time we left (which was at midnight), the brain pressure had dropped from a high 40s / low 50s, to a very stable 26-28. if that's not a miracle, i don't know what is.

the little girl is still unconscious and in ICU, but we are trusting God for a full recovery, where none seemed possible. if He can make miracles, like this pressure issue, to happen, He can make her completely whole.

Thanks, God :)

More Pictures!

looks like a normal fridge?

look again!


Sophia looking cool!


Sophia getting her feet wet at the beach!







she looks thirsty...


the cousin, the sister, and the respective babies


Xenbar! Sigh... sad that i have to cut down on training for studies :(

about the people

just had a thought, that what makes things hard for me sometimes is that for me, it's always about the people; not the thing itself, but the people

well i wouldn't have it any other way *shrug*

cavies and i

hm. was thinking. i think i've been wanting cavies (guinea pigs duh) so much because i like to take care of things. like being responsible for that cute little animal.

hm. shall try to convince my mom that cavies are not THAT smelly... >.<

that old feeling...

just had that old feeling again...

the feeling that i want some stability once more, the feeling that i've had enough of change.

time to forget it all and rest in something unchanging.

Help Me Let Go

Help me let go, even though I'm still the same.
Help me forget, even when I see your flame.
Help me release, even though my heart's in pain.
Help me let go, even though I'm still the same.

What would you do for someone you love?

Would you do something you don't like, for the person?
Would you not do something you want to?
Would you sacrifice your personal time to be with the person?
Would you burn yourself out for him or her?

Would you die for the person you love?
Would you?

Some Things are Hard to Forget

A mournful song lingers in the wind as memories gone and things lost come slowly back to the stone chambers of the old man's heart.

Shiver, night, in his cold embrace.

That glimmer in the lake, like the sparkle of a lover's eyes that melt to thickly welling pools of deepest regret, dances like the tragedy of his past:

Child's arrow, poisoned tongue, mingle pain, haunting stare.

A dare, for once the world was his stage; the day was a comedy of laughing fools and the night a deep romance. He clutches his breast as the tears wrench free from his weary heart.

Some things are hard to forget.

Who needs countdowns?

Who needs countdowns? I don't know a better way to pass the year than to spend the last moments of 2006 talking to one of the best friends I've ever had, and resolving one of the most biggest issues I've had to face this year... Thank you. :)

Well it's been a full year. Full of major changes and feelings and events. It's so amazing to see the big picture of things because I see so clearly how God works in my life. A long period around 2004 and 2005 was spent teaching me how to trust Him: problem after seemingly unsolvable problem would come, and every single time each problem would resolve itself entirely on its own. Gradually I saw how true it was the God makes everything work out for my good :) It made me start 2006 with an attitude that I had no reason to worry, that I could have complete confidence in my maker.

It was this confidence that tided me through the huge changes that happened last year. I mean, my future was completely turned upside down and up and around :) And this confidence has made me a better person I think: someone more secure, secure not in myself but in the One who's looking after me; someone more restful and at peace, because problems will come, but none of them are too big for my Daddy to handle.

It was so appropriate that the last service I attended in 2006 was on restfulness. It's so instinctive for us to want to see results from what we do. But really, the life of a Christian is about trusting and resting. You think David killed Goliath with his own strenth? Or that we are saved, equitted of wrongs, because of some paltry good deeds we do? It has never been about us or what we do.

So, 2006 has been amazing. So full of beautiful things! Beautiful times with friends, beautiful images in my mind. It was so full of hopefulness and anticipation and emotions... amazing :)

So 2006 ended resolving something with a dear old friend, and 2007 started with me spending a lot of time with my new baby niece :) She's so adorable! The way she stares at you and smiles and the way she makes those baby noises that make you wanna hug her and look after her for the rest of your life :)

Isn't parenting an amazing thing? Suddenly you have this *life* that you are to take care of. There's a whole future in your arms, and, at least when the future is a baby, she's just very happy to be taken care of entirely. Seeing my new niece and all the new babies in the extended family has got me thinking about what kind of family life I want to have, but that's another story for another time lol

So! 2007 is here! What kind of year will it be? I don't know, but I know this: that I want to be like that baby - resting in my Father's arms, knowing that everything works out for my good...

And that those 3 wishes will be answered! hee!